It hurts.

Stings, even.

I close my eyes, trying to remain calm and try to focus on my breathing. Try so hard not to think, not to breathe. My chest inflates like a baloon, but the oxygen doesn't actually get to my lungs. It's not the first time this happens, and one would think I should be used to it. But I am not. I probably never will be.

Every single blink gets slower, my eyelashes feel heavy. My body is asking for mercy, desperately trying to get me to give up.

Now you see, the problem is that my fucking brain is jumping around so hard I can almost hear it banging against the walls of my skull like a stupid pinball ball.

I feel like a child that had way too much sugar before bed, and now is having to deal with the consequences.

Maybe having dinner so late wasn't the best idea, nor having that much to eat. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

Something tells me the pill I took is not really doing anything right now, even though mixing it with the rest was a terrible idea all in itself.

I just wanted to sleep, like actually get some rest. That was all.

But, what if the world ends tomorrow?

Not the whole world but just mine?

I get it, I know that literally it won't. The earth will continue spinning, it'll still rain like the weather app in my phone said so, and no one else will realize. But I will. The chances of everything just going full on 180 degrees for me are so high I could probably get a better phone reception if I got on top of them. What scares me is that I have no clue if I'm ready for it. If it'll be good or bad.

Well, everything has to be better than a boring 9 to 5 in a mediocre part of town that people keep calling The Dumpster for some godforsaken reason. Right?

Right??

Right?!

I hate when I get like this. I just wanted to sleep.

It's been way too long since I've been in this hotel room, even though I know it couldn't have been more than 72 hours. The second they took my phone away from me was like they stripped me of my whole identity. I know it'll be worth it, it has to be worth it. I put everything on the line for this.

I was right, the world ended the second I opened my eyes a few days ago, well, maybe not then. But definitely when the guy from the show arrived at my door. A driver, escorting me back to the car. Like a rich person in a movie.

It was kind of cool I guess.

My following isn't massive, but I still felt the need to let them know I was gonna be MIA for a while. Maybe it's my own attempt to make me feel more important than I already am. Hopefully that carousel post with all those pictures and the text about how I am going on a new journey of self discovery and all that bullshit isn't as corny as it sounds when I try to remember it.

Hopefully they'll wait for me.

But whatever happens inside, I know at least more are going to come, they have to. My world ended, yes, but now it's going to start spinning again. At least whenever they decide to open my door again.

I signed the NDA already, but still they said we had to wait until everyone was in the same spot, to move us all together, I suppose. I don't know who any of the rest are, judging for the ad I responded they were looking for at least a couple of famous people. Would I recognize them?

It makes sense, it's the show business after all. They need their clickbait and mine wasn't good enough most likely. I'm very aware I'm here like a token, the mandatory minority while still being passing enough to not make people too uncomfortable. I don't care, at this point I would take anything if it meant not having to go back to real boring life.

Is that selfish on my part?

The knock on the door doesn't let me answer that.

I walk towards it without too much thought, it's most likely breakfast, or lunch. I would have never had imagined I would lose track of time in just a couple of days. Probably the absence of windows doesn't help it either.

"Hey! Maya, right?" He says, with a deep voice that sounds almost unreal.

Damn, he is breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert altogether. The most pure definition of DILF I have seen in my life.

"Ajá, sí. Right." I suddenly forget my name, how to speak English, how to stand still without my legs shaking.

"Can I... come in?" His tone is melodic, hypnotizing. It makes perfect sense he's in this position.

But, wasn't I supposed to meet him alongside the rest? Why is he knocking at my door instead of anyone else's?

I lead him towards the tiny table in the corner of the room and he takes one last look at me before breaking eye contact. It's intense. I finally understand what it feels to have someone famous and powerful breathe the same air as you.

"So... are you excited?" He asks when we're both sitting down. He carries those half-a-second pauses on his tongue, extending the syllables. My mouth waters.

What the fuck dude, am I really that touch-starved?

"Oh my God of course!" I respond, way too quickly. My accent sounds 5 times thicker than it ever has. "I mean. Yes, I really am. I'm so grateful for the opportunity."

He smiles and lets my words simmer in the air, dissipating.

"I wanted to come and apologize personally for keeping you here longer than we expected." His teeth look perfectly crafted, insanely white. "At first it was supposed to be only for a day, but some of the flights got delayed and we wanted to have everyone here."

"Of course, no. It's fine. It was almost like a detox!" I say, lying my ass off. I have hated every single second of being here without my phone, with nothing to do besides reading the couple of light novels I found in one of the drawers.

"Oh well, actually I came here to give you this." He takes his sweet time to grab whatever he has from his pocket. I pretend to not look too much, but it's inevitable. "You don't really have to use it if you don't want to, but I figured it's the least I can do. You know, for keeping you here and all."

IT'S-A-FUCKING-PHONE!

I have to keep myself from jumping forward like a starving animal and decide to casually grab it from his hand. I also make sure to linger just a tiny bit, feel his warm skin glide through me fingertips. He never breaks eye contact and I can swear his smile widens when he feels my touch.

After a second, he looks at the phone and raises his eyebrows.

"It won't have service. It'll be connected to an internal network once you arrive but it's good for emergencies." He explains, scratching his perfectly groomed 5 o'clock shadow. He smells so good. "You can use it to write notes, take pictures and videos and document everything around you. Everything gets uploaded to our cloud automatically so be careful with it tho." After this he winks, I feel I'm dying inside.

"Wait so you guys are going to use them on-screen?" The feeling of power invades me. I know most of the issues with Reality Shows is having the crew tell the story but with this I could take control of it. Show what really happens and their cameras don't catch. Make myself look even better!

"That's the plan! Not all of it, of course just... Don't use it to only take selfies. Not that I wouldn't like that." I cough, he just winks at me like he hasn't almost given me a heart attack. "Production's phone number is on it, in case you need anything." He pauses for a second and starts to get up. "Mine is too, in case you need me."

After saying goodbye he extends his arms at the door and I hug him without hesitation. I can smell his cologne with my nose close to his neck. My legs tremble again.

Call me crazy, but I feel this deep insane connection with him. I'm not sure what it is, maybe the way he looked at me when we were talking. Did he have a part in choosing who would participate? I would make sense, he's the show host after all.

Which means he chose me, out of hundreds, probably thousands of people.

He thinks I'm special.

The next few hours fly by now that I actually have a phone again. The camera resolution is amazing and I do my best influencer impersonation saying hi to strangers and introducing myself in short videos. I take pictures, talk about my expectations for the show and anything else that I feel will be good for an on-screen intro.

I have watched so many reality shows and many more commentary Youtube channels about them. What will they even say about me? Who would watch me?

Would Swell Entertainment care about it? Amanda really likes dating shows after all...

I will literally die if Sixteenleo even cares enough to mention my name. The sole thought about it makes me shiver!

But it's late, and I need to calm down and turn the lights off. Maybe sleeping will help me take the edge off. At least it'll bring tomorrow closer.

But I can't.

At first I feel I fall asleep but wake up time and time again. It's a mix of excitement and nervousness.

I can't stop thinking about everything that'll happen. About all those eyes on me and the pressure of having cameras watching every single one of my moves 24/7. About him. Will he be watching?

Yes, of course I had a crush on him before I even applied for the show. Like any other person my age with good taste. A niche actor in just a couple of the right movies, with a smaller fanbase, more personable, more reachable.

And I fucking met him today.

I can't help it, my mind keeps wandering back to him. The way his eyes bore into mine, the sound of his voice, the smell of his cologne. It's like every other thought I have is just a placeholder until I can think about him again. I don't know what it is about him that's so captivating, but I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper. It's probably the stress, just me feeling anxious about what's going to happen next.

And it will be best to fall asleep but it seems impossible.

Unless.

My hand starts traveling down my body before I even realize. It feels warm, inviting. I smile. It's as if my senses have taken control, and I can feel the warmth and softness of my skin as my hand travels further down. The sensation is inviting, and I find myself smiling at the unexpected pleasure.

I try to stop, to brush it off, to focus on the upcoming challenges of the show, but my mind keeps circling back to him. I wonder what he's doing right now, if he's thinking about me at all. I know it's ridiculous, he's just the host of the show after all, but I can't help how I feel.

I pause for a moment, my hand still between my legs. The thought crosses my mind again, the one I've been trying to push away since I got here. Are there cameras in this room? Is anyone watching me right now? But it's probably impossible, after all, the show hasn't started just yet.

The rational part of my brain knows that this isn't okay, that there's no reason for me to feel excited about it. But another part of me, a darker part that I'm not proud of, likes the idea of being watched. It's like a thrill, a secret little taboo that I can't help but enjoy. I signed up for it after all, right?

I shake my head, trying to push the thought away once again. I know I should stop, that I shouldn't let myself be consumed by this. But it's hard to resist, especially when everything else in my life feels so out of control. So I let myself give in, just for a little while longer.

Yes, it's stupid. But I'm half asleep and nervous, and it's probably the only thing that will take the edge off. I try not to make a sound, but some whimpers escape from my throat as my fingers continue to explore my body. The sensation is electric, and I can feel my heart racing faster and faster.

I close my eyes and imagine him watching me, his eyes boring into mine, his voice whispering in my ear. It's like a secret little thrill that I can't help but enjoy. My body convulses with pleasure, and I can feel the warmth spreading throughout me.

As much as I try to keep my breathing steady, my whimpers still betray me.

My fingers move faster and faster, and I can feel my body tensing up. The pleasure builds and builds until I can't hold back any longer. I cry out, my body shaking with ecstasy, and I collapse onto the bed.

For a few moments, I lay there, panting and trying to catch my breath. The guilt and shame start to creep in, but I push them away. This is my moment, my own little secret. And for now, it's enough.

I take a deep breath and try to push away the guilt. It's just a one-time thing, I won't let myself get consumed by it. But as I'm drifting to sleep I can't help but wonder what else I'm capable of.

What other boundaries am I willing to cross?