Her first love, Adrian, had swept her off her feet. He was an intense man with intense passions and always wanted to make her feel loved. That’s why she was so shocked and taken aback when he turned out to be a flight risk and unexpectedly decided to move when their relationship had become, perhaps, too close for comfort. 

Claudius, in comparison, had been a quieter sort of man when she met him. She knew he wasn’t a flight risk, and knew he would stick around no matter what, which was why she felt so comfortable marrying him, but now, she found herself desiring the passion of Adrian. 

She wondered what he was up to. He had been such a troubled man. His family had been neglectful, and he had suffered a lot in his life. He had been in abusive relationships with narcissists, and upon meeting Eldora, he was smitten quickly, because he told her she was unlike any other woman he had dated. 

In hindsight, she questioned so many things about that relationship. She wondered if he was only telling her that to get her clothes off faster. She wondered if she truly was unlike any other woman he had dated. The only thing she didn’t question was that he had been abused. Somehow his behaviors, his lust, his unrelenting desire to be loved by her, told her that he had been abused and neglected. The only other thing that she never questioned, was that he loved her, even if it was in his own, flawed, human way. 

He had spent too much money on her, and expected her never to pay. It was harrowingly romantic, especially considering he had no money to begin with, and neither did she. 

She only hoped he was OK, wherever he was. He thought moving was the solution to his problems, and had moved three times before she had even met him. For all she knew, he could be in Japan, or Hawaii. She cocked a smile. She wouldn’t be surprised if such an adventurous man had been to both at this point, still trying to find the purpose and happiness he craved. 

She just wished he had been able to find it with her, but she knew that was foolish to think. 

They had both wanted a family. The difference was that she wanted to put down roots to have that family, and he never wanted roots. It was so contradictory in her eyes, to want a family and yet always want to be moving. Perhaps it was possible, but it didn’t sound like a good life to her. When he had left the state, he offered her to come with him, and she had wept fiercely, wanting to go, but being unable to leave her mother, father, friends, and life behind like he was. 

She would never wish anything ill on him, as it wasn’t in her nature to do so. She just wished he hadn’t wasted her time, making her believe she was the only one for him. The months after he had left, her mind had gone crazy, wondering if he ever truly loved her—wondering if he had moved away because he wanted to pursue some other woman on a strange dating app, or if it was because he was as badly in debt as he claimed to be. 

If only I weren’t such a damned romantic. She found herself thinking often. Money had never mattered to her, and she had told Adrian as much. They could have lived under a bridge for all she cared, and so long as she had had him in her life, she would have been satisfied. He had told her money didn’t matter to him, either, and yet, when his funds had fallen through, he was dead-set on leaving without even consulting her first. 

She was so shocked and confused that she was worried he had gambling debts or was being pursued by the mob. But no. She realized the true reason he had left was because he thought he couldn’t take care of her. In some ways, this laid her fears about not being good enough for him to rest. In other ways, it just made it more painful to her, thinking that he was worried about this the entire time, and that she might have been able to help him, if he had spoken up. 

How sad it was, to think he was the one who had left the girl of his dreams, because he thought he didn’t deserve her. 

She wiped a tear from her eye as she continued grading, wondering why, even now, when she was married, that thinking about this man brought a tear to her eye. She had loved Claudius because being around him was so easy. They both wanted to please each other, and both had the same goals. Eldora wanted a house when they met, and Claudius did, too. Eldora wanted someone to eat healthy and exercise with, and Claudius did, too. Eldora was  desperate for children when they had met, as was Claudius. Eldora tried not to let her tears drown her. She was thirty-two, and still had no children. And being an educated woman, she knew that the older she got, the less likely it was that she could have a healthy birth. 

She finished grading, and then set aside her papers. She checked on her pot of boiling water, and poured in the spaghetti bowties, stirring them frequently because it took her mind off things, and because standing over the hot pot was welcome respite from the cold weather. She heard her husband’s footsteps as he ran down the stairs. She took a deep breath. Eventually, he scuffled into the  kitchen. She glanced over her shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby.” 

Claudius said nothing for a time. Eventually he said, “I’m sorry, too. If you want, I can relieve you.” 

Eldora chuckled a little. “It’s okay. I’m nice and warm, standing over this hot pot!” 

Claudius smiled at that and stood by her while she stirred her pot. For a moment, everything felt normal again. It felt like when they were first dating, and they would keep each other company while cooking. 

“How were the kids today?” Claudius asked amicably.

“Oh, they spat at me, threw paper airplanes at me, insulted me… the usual. I like these brats, but they do get tiring.” Eldora snickered. 

“I’m sorry, baby.” Claudius inclined his head apologetically.  “You’re a superhero, trying to help the kids keep high grades, trying to inspire them. Anyone else would have given up by now.” 

“Well, you know. I don’t have many other options… plus, I feel like I am slowly giving up.” Eldora sighed, biting her lip.