There was a moment of silence that settled on August and Jo. Light at first and more heavy, making it hard to breathe. August shook her head a moment. “No.. no I can’t be genderfluid. I never feel like a man and.. And everyone just feels like they have times they aren’t their gender right? Like… not man enough or woman enough.”
Jo sat there looking at August, the librarian who had fought to keep the spot for them whenever they went to college. They both knew that Jo couldn’t be open around the old biddies in this place. That most of the people who worked here would happily get rid of anyone that was queer. But this page was also the one that could tell when August was going to have a panic attack. Jo quietly walked behind the desk and got a small weighted plushie that stayed in the drawers and put it in August’s lap. “Hey, it’s break time right? Wanna go to the parking lot for a second?”
“I uh sure.”
Thankfully it wasn’t time to open yet. No one cared if the two took their break together really. All anyone else cared about was if everything was shelved right and if August opened up the building on time. Once they got out to the concrete bench, donated in the name of some lady named Mrs. Warton. Even in the Texas heat, the white concrete still felt cool. August realized she was still holding the weighted plushie and squeezed it a bit. “I… I can’t be genderfluid, right?”
Jo gave a comforting smile. “Hey, Mrs. Watt… it’s ok if I said something weird ok? But like… you grew up in the 90’s. You keep telling me they didn’t talk much about the queer back then.”
August shook her head a little, the chance for random fact sharing was bringing her mind to the present place. “No, there was gay, straight… and bi or confused. And cross dressers.”
“Right. And no one really talked much about trans people.”
“Well.. no. Not really. Some movies made some awful jokes. I didn't see why they were funny at the time.” August gently rubbed the plushies' soft fur. It was a newer one so children hadn’t worn the fur away yet.
Jo started petting the plush as well. “Yeah. But it all still existed. Ace, Aro, demi like you… you told me how your family didn’t believe you about being attracted to personality and not looks.”
There was a small chuckle. “Yeah I think they still don’t believe me.”
“But you didn’t know the term back then. You can still be something even if you don’t know what it is. Because you don’t know the words. And you can be gender fluid without feeling all gender states. You can even be one gender for days or months before a switch happens. The big question is… what do you think is true for you?”
“But I don’t hate myself for how I look. I mean, sometimes I hate bras but who doesn’t?”
Jo chuckled. “You got me there but, you don’t have to feel gender dysphoria either. You may just feel the euphoria. Of the right gender or right look. Or the right pronouns.” They watched August for a moment, as if to see if there was anything else that needed to be said.
August, however, just sat there trying to let all of this sink in. Was she… they… something else than what they were assigned? Were they unaware of what they were? Being almost 40 you’d think you’d know yourself pretty well. Aside from new aches and pains that cropped up and dealing with kids as they got older. But now they weren’t sure of this. In their mind they kept turning over the word woman again and again. They kept feeling like it was wrong right now. But it wasn’t wrong other times. Other times it felt fine. Other times the more feminine blouses and skirts felt just right. How many times had August been annoyed when someone called them the wrong gender?
How many times had August been a bit happy someone couldn’t tell what gender they were that day? How many times had Beau…
Beau…
Their wonderful sweet loving… and very straight Beau.
Beau was a great ally to the LBGTQA+ community. But sometimes… sometimes it was different when it was in your own home. Sometimes… it broke an already strained marriage.
How strained was theirs?
“...I… I don’t know… I need to think about this.”
Jo put a gentle hand on August’s back. “Hey… it’s ok. You can take all the time you need to think about this. It’s not like there’s a time limit or anything. And there’s a lot to learn. Just maybe not on the work computers.” Jo stood up, brushing their hair a bit as it waved in the light breeze coming in. “Come on, time to make the grumpy people happy and the sad kids smile. Right?”
“Right. Thanks.” August got up as Jo took the plushie. “Got a lot to think about and do.”
For August there wasn’t much time for thinking. People came in wanting to get new picture books, new chapter books. Ask about the current teen bestsellers. A few came in complaining they didn’t like a book and it should be removed. There were also the kinder moments, of helping the little kids get books and showing them how to use the computer. Letting parents know there were puzzles to check out. All of the little things that made the job worthwhile.
When it was time for a lunch break, they checked their phone. Beau had sent a message saying he had a possible new local client, so he wouldn’t be available for a lunch phone call.
Honestly, that was fine right now. August had no idea what to say. They should mention the concern but if they did and they were wrong, was it a problem later? No. August was going to wait until they were certain and bring it up at just the right time. There was no need to poke the dragon.
Just as they finished that thought one of the local teens came up. “Hey Miss? Can I get a computer pass till the activity night?”
“Sure thing, no library card today?”
“Not today, Miss. Mom says I owe too many fines.”
“That sucks. Here you go.” The slip was placed in the young man’s hand and off he went.
“Ugh… I don’t see how you can stand it. Children are so disrespectful calling you Miss like that. You have a name.” Oh great. Sloan wandered over.
“It’s fine. He is trying to be polite in his own way.”
“Yeah well… your teens are in the adult section can you get them out?” Sloan waved her hand a bit as if it was magic.”They are making a mess.”
August tried not to sigh or roll her eyes. “They aren’t really mine but what is the problem exactly?”
“They are going through the magazines and they are looking at the shelves for a bunch of books they probably shouldn’t have anyway.”
Ok August let out a slow breath. “Well, if you remember last month a bunch of the LBGTQA+ books were moved to the adult section because all of you agreed they shouldn’t be in the teen section over here, even though they are written for teens. So they are going to go where the system says the books are.”
“Can you do something about it then? Move them back over here. There shouldn’t be teens in the adult section.”
August was really not in the mood for this right now. They were dealing with several things and a revelation, maybe, about themselves and had a program in an hour but… “Ok fine. Give me a few minutes. I’ll see what I can do.”
“You do that, I’ll be on my break.”
Sloan walked off looking smug as August quickly printed out some slips and walked around the library, handing them off to various teens. Within ten minutes all the teens that were there or already coming in were helping with big grins on their faces. A nice spite display being made from the books the kids were putting on the cart. By the time Sloan came back from her break, August was already in the meeting room doing the teen activity night. Jo was putting the finishing touches on the display in the center walkway. A big sign reading ‘Books recommended by our teens!’ with all of the LBGTQA+ books on full display.
August would have imagined the look on Sloans face, but instead was busy between the video game setups and a few ‘gross food’ contests they had going on in the room. August was sure they’d get a write up later but at least for now they felt like they had done something right and could focus on the teen night, and maybe getting something as a nice surprise for Beau on the way home. There was that robot toy he was looking at. They could ask the teens about it before the activity night ended. Several of them here were big fans too.
Comments (10)
See all