One day, at the end of the year party of their first year at university, what Jong In had expected would be a constant in his life changed.
There had been subtle developments throughout their first year as expected of any fresh-faced university student. Unfortunately, adulthood, unbeknownst to Jong In, had a tendency to sneak up on them, driven by curiosities and most importantly, opportunities. And Ye Jun was no exception to this. In fact, more than anyone, opportunities seemed to seek him in droves. And those opportunities came in the form of beautiful but somewhat carnivorous women and resulted in a particular carnal manifestation of adulthood and subsequently, an unexpected change in behavior in his life long friend.
Han Ye Jun had always had a girlfriend but because he lived at home and had spent most of his free time with Jong In and their intimate group of friends, Jong In had always assumed that his relationships had been more on the emotional side rather than a physical one. And while that in itself was disconcerting, Jong In had preferred it that way. That was why it had come to a bit of a shock for him when he first realized that Ye Jun had lost his virginity at some point in high school and had begun to actively engage in those activities once they started university.
He had found out entirely by accident when he overheard Ye Jun turn down an invitation to have dinner by Chae Ji Soo, a close friend of theirs, claiming that he had a date that would likely go on until morning. Ji Soo had given him a disgusted look and shook her head and at first, Jong In had not understood why, after all, he and Ye Jun had often slept over at each other’s houses. But then the realization that he would be sleeping next to this woman hit him. Jong In had always assumed that Ye Jun had only ever slept beside him, it had given him a source of comfort. And with that blow came the understanding that there were likely activities that preceded that innocuous slumber.
Despite this, Ye Jun had however, somehow snuck into his room that night and had slept beside him just as he had done many times in the past.
But yet, even as he gazed at his friend’s face in the early morning light, Jong In was jealous. He was a freshman in university, an adult and yet he felt like a petulant child, wanting to demand that Ye Jun tell him where he had been, who he had been with, wanting to plead with him to stop doing it. But when Jong In had felt himself inexplicably move toward him to do just that, he froze, horrified.
He didn’t have the right to demand such a thing from him. He was, after all, only his childhood friend.
Events eventually culminated the night after finals when they gathered at a restaurant with a bunch of sunbaes and other freshmen in the computer science department. Though their immediate group of friends were all of different majors, they were all under the computer science branch. Lee Jong In in media design, Chae Ji Soo in programming, Yoo Hwan in Information technology, and Han Ye Jun in Data Science, which allowed him to be part of both the computer science department and the business school.
It was a common belief that nerds could drink and that night, the computer science department had made it a point to prove that statement. That ultimately led to the single biggest regret of Lee Jong In’s life.
“Ye Jun! Let this sunbae pour you a drink,” said a pretty female student, pulling a seat from a nearby table and forcing her way between the two childhood friends, Jong In and Ye Jun.
Ye Jun smiled and accepted the glass. “Thank you.”
“If you’re taking a shot from Su Jin, I expect you to take one from me as well,” said the cheerful voice of another female student, grinning prettily. It was the sunbae Jong In had met the other day, Song Jiwon.
Jong In looked up and caught Ji Soo’s eyes, who then promptly rolled them in disgust.
He smiled but it immediately disappeared as he watched Ye Jun engage in a love shot with yet another female sunbae. How in the world did the computer science department have so many pretty girls, he wondered dispiritedly as he took another gulp of his beer.
“Hey, take it easy with that, kiddo,” said Ji Soo, “You know you’re a lightweight. If I have to carry you back one more time, I swear you’re sleeping on the street.”
Jong In laughed, “You’re talking about Hwan. You carried him back, not me.”
“That’s right,” came Ye Jun’s amused voice suddenly. “I always carry this one back myself.”
Jong In shot him a look. “I’ve carried you back just as many times as you’ve carried me.”
Ye Jun laughed and Jiwon, who still sat between the two, suddenly reached forward and placed her hand on Ye Jun’s arm.
“Ye Jun-ah, I’m feeling a little lightheaded. Can you take me outside so that I can get some fresh air?”
Jong In watched as Ye Jun smiled and pulled her up out of her seat. He knew immediately where this would lead and the fact that Ye Jun agreed to it without any hesitation meant that Jong In expected to see Jiwon as Ye Jun’s girlfriend in the coming weeks.
With barely a glance at his friends, Ye Jun left the restaurant with the sunbae hanging onto his arm.
For long minutes, Jong In waited for them to return. Then just as that time reached three minutes past the half hour mark, he stood from his seat.
“Where are you going?” Ji Soo asked him, peering at him with a suspicious gaze. They were the only two remaining members at their table. The women who had joined them earlier had left when it was clear that Ye Jun was not returning any time soon and Hwan had gone to talk to the assistant professor in his department.
“I just wanted to get some air.”
“You’re drunk,” she replied pointedly.
“Seriously, I’m just going to get some air.”
She tried once more. “You’re not going to like what you see.”
He shook his head and made his way toward the restaurant door. He knew, deep down, that she was right. She had known, as he did, what exactly was going on outside and perhaps it was the alcohol or perhaps it was his patience growing thin after years of this aimless state but Jong In could no longer take it.
He opened the door and made his way out of the restaurant.
Breathing in the cold night air, he looked around. He did not immediately see Ye Jun nor the sunbae. His vision blurred slightly as his body moved to the side. Perhaps, he really was drunk, as Ji Soo had said. He turned again and spotted a dark space between the restaurant and its neighboring building.
He paused. He knew that he shouldn’t.
The chances of Ye Jun being there were high. Really, he shouldn’t.
But he couldn’t seem to stop his feet from moving forward.
Torn between unwillingness and need, Jong In peered into the darkness before him and froze. It wasn’t the first time, he reminded himself.
It wasn’t even the second or third time, in fact. He had witnessed this many, many times before. In remote areas of the school, in karaoke bars, behind restaurants, empty stairways, dark alleyways. Somehow, he had almost always stumbled upon his best friend in the arms of his lover.
He had never before purposely sought these scenes out. At least, not consciously but now, as he watched Ye Jun pull Jiwon in for a deep kiss, Jong In wondered if perhaps his body had searched for him out of some perverse desire to witness the scene before him. Perhaps to make himself give up on this terrible love.
But this time, it was different. He was drunk for one, maybe, and he had purposefully sought them out for another. So before he knew it, before he fully thought it through, Jong In found himself taking a step forward. His mouth opened of its own volition and, slicing through the heavy fog of his dread, he heard it.
“Ye Jun.”
Was there a plea in there somewhere? Did he remember to mask how he was feeling? Was he of sound enough mind to do so?
He watched as Ye Jun raised his head, his lips swollen and pink. Jiwon turned, her face likely full of embarrassment but Jong In wasn’t sure as he did not spare her a single glance.
“What are you doing?” he heard himself ask. An inane question.
He watched, almost in amusement, as Ye Jun’s mouth fell open and stayed there. Even handsome men can look at least a little stupid. And for some reason, he felt pleased with himself that he could bring about such a face to the self-assured Ye Jun.
“Ah, were we taking too long?” Ye Jun asked, his eyes shooting down toward Jiwon, who was hiding her face against his shoulder. “Go in first,” he heard Ye Jun whisper to her.
Still continuing to hide her face from him, she quickly walked past Jong In and headed back in toward the restaurant.
“Sorry,” said Ye Jun, pulling out a cigarette, “I didn’t realize so much time had passed.” He fished a lighter out of his pocket and tried to light the cigarette he held in his mouth. Jong In moved forward and took the lighter from his hand and lit it for him.
For a second their eyes met. Ye Jun pulled back as he inhaled a puff of smoke and thus, broke their gaze. “You guys could have just continued without us,” Ye Jun said.
Jong In was quiet for a moment. “It’s not as fun without you,” he replied softly and idly wondered if perhaps he had put too much meaning into it.
Ye Jun did not respond. He took another puff of his cigarette and then scratched his head. He sighed. “Jong In,” he began slowly and then paused. “Jong In”, he began again but then paused again and Jong In found that he wanted to kick him.
“I think…” he finally continued, “I think we need some space.”
For a moment, Jong In tried to understand the words through his muddled mind. “W-what? What do you mean ‘some space’?”
His best friend sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck. Finally, his eyes returned and met his.
“Jong In, lately,” he paused, trying to put into words his vague feeling of discomfort, “you’ve been everywhere. I mean, we don’t even share classes anymore. My department isn’t even completely in yours and yet you’re there waiting for me to finish my class, matching my schedule, taking your breaks with me. We eat lunch every day together and you wait for me to go home together.” He groaned, the displeasure of having to have this conversation clear in his tone. “Even despite knowing I have a girlfriend or knowing that I have other friends, you always show up unless I explicitly tell you I have other plans. But you know, Jong In, sometimes plans happen on the fly and I can’t always know that they are going to happen and I can’t always foresee them to tell you beforehand.”
Ye Jun paused, it was evident that he had not wanted to have this conversation. Jong In understood. He was pushing him away. Did that mean – that he knew? If he was indeed that clingy then… to anyone – anyone would have been able to tell.
Ye Jun sighed and closed his eyes briefly, “Don’t look at me with that expression. You know I’m not saying we should stop being friends. I just mean that I… need some space.”
From him.
He didn’t have to say it. Jong In knew instinctively. He hadn’t always been like this. It was really just this last year that it felt like the distance between him and Ye Jun was growing. Ye Jun had gone off to college and became instantly popular, which meant his friend group had grown exponentially. Everyone had wanted to spend their time with him and since he was so damn nice and social, he always said yes. And that had meant that he had had less time with Jong In. It wasn’t exactly that Jong In needed to be with him but the times where they had spent their days in school together were growing more and more distant and the days in which they spent time together had grown sparse.
And then there were his girlfriends. It wasn’t as if Ye Jun had never had girlfriends; he had hardly ever been single all throughout highschool. No, rather, it was the implication of having a girlfriend now that they were in college, now that they were adults.
And just that thought, that Ye Jun would be physically closer to someone in a manner they could never be, had made him grow desperate.
Jong In tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. It was the damn alcohol. He couldn’t take control of his emotions. Don’t. Please, don’t. He swallowed again. He was going to beg. He wasn’t the type to, but the alcohol…
“Ye Jun, don’t…” he tried to swallow again, his mouth was so dry. “Don’t do this.” He tried not to focus on the slight tremble in his voice.
Ye Jun sighed again. Then dropped his cigarette and stamped it out. Reaching out, he patted Jong In on the shoulder. “Just for a little bit, Jong In. Let’s just get some space from each other.” His large hand briefly squeezed his shoulder and to Jong In the moment between then and when he released his hand felt long and sorrowful. “I’ll call you,” he said softly as he made his way back to the restaurant, leaving Jong In alone in the dark and silent alleyway.
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