It is often said that first loves never work out.
It could be because, as people age, their priorities and perspectives change and they simply end up drifting apart. Or perhaps it was because most who experienced their first love were in the throes of childhood, their understanding of love being too immature to grasp the complexity of what it meant to truly love someone.
Either way, it simply never lasted.
And that was how Lee Jong In convinced himself that his love for best friends should never go beyond these unrequited feelings. His love was likely too immature, having been derived too early in his youthful days, to survive that inevitable end.
It had been entirely an accident the day he first discovered his “first love”.
He had never imagined that the emotions he felt when in the presence of his childhood friend were of the romantic kind. At twelve, ‘love’ was still a vague, aimless term that was reserved for the conversation between the girls of his classroom. All Jong In knew was that he always wanted to be with Ye Jun, to be near him, to laugh with him, to have fun with him.
It wasn’t until one hot summer afternoon when the sun was glaring angrily onto the bed, where the two were lying, thinking up random ideas to fill the remaining days of summer break when he finally put a name to his feelings.
Jong In had come home, after having had a haircut, to find Ye Jun lying in his bed, reading a comic book that Jong In had bought on the first day of summer.
Ye Jun had simply gazed up at him from his position and grinned. “You look like a chestnut,” he had said.
Jong In had shrugged, not particularly interested in the way his hair looked. He had simply picked a style that was easy and could help him fight off the summer heat. He made his way directly to the bed and joined his friend, picking up a book of his own on the way.
But instead of reading, they had spent the rest of the afternoon talking, dreaming up plans of what they would do if they had all the money and the means in the world. They talked of building rockets, mining for rare rocks, digging for dinosaurs, building a life-sized catapult, sailing to the Americas. Each scenario was more extravagant than the last as they discussed every potential detail that they could think of.
And while each scenario changed, one thing always remained the same: it was always just the two of them, off on their little adventure.
Lee Jong In and Han Ye Jun together.
Then Ye Jun had made an offhand comment that stuck with him for years to come.
“I don’t really care what we do,” he had said, flailing his arms up into the air in random arches. “Just as long as I can do it with you, every summer for the rest of our lives.”
Jong In had looked at his friend then. A strange but familiar feeling had bubbled up in his chest after hearing Ye Jun’s words. It was a feeling he often had when he was with Ye Jun but this time, there was something more to it. His fingers itched. He wanted to reach out to him, to hug him… kiss him.
Kiss him?
Startled and terrified of the direction of his thoughts, Jong In had forced his mind to focus on his words instead. Every summer from then on, he had said. They had promised so it had to be made true.
And for a while, they had kept to that promise. But that summer… the summer of their 20th year, Ye Jun did not show his face once.
~
Jong In, who sat at his desk in his quiet bedroom, stared at his phone, willing it to ring telepathically.
But it remained silent.
Jong In closed his eyes tightly as his thoughts ventured back to the previous winter. Why had he acted in such a manner? It wasn’t as though he had just realized his feelings for his friend. He had been in love with the guy since middle school and it had been eight years since then.
He had been good at controlling his emotions all that time so why had he spiraled? Even Jong In could tell that he had become too clingy, reaching out to him constantly, meeting up with him after classes for meals, standing on the sidelines, waiting for him to finish his conversations with other students, forcing Ye Jun to end the conversation or outing quickly just so that Jong In wouldn’t wait too long or feel too uncomfortable.
Jong In too would have hated it if someone had done that to him. So of course, Ye Jun had felt burdened.
What was wrong with him? Had he somehow lost all his pride that year? Even worse, now it seemed that Ye Jun finally realized that the guy who he called his best friend was attracted to him. Was he uncomfortable now that he knew that Jong In was gay? Or was he uncomfortable with the fact that it was Jong In who liked him?
They had never gone so long without speaking.
In the past, even when one of their families had gone away on vacation, they had constantly kept in contact via text and phone calls. The longest length of time in which they did not talk had been only a few days.
Jong In felt anxious. If Ye Jun could go so long without speaking to him then did that mean that their friendship was over? Could the length of time exceed this into six months? A year? Five years? A lifetime?
He reached for his phone again then froze. It had only been a few days since he had last tried calling him. He had been outside on campus somewhere between their two departments when he dialed his number. Jong In had seen him turn a corner just as the third ring began.
Ye Jun had been with a friend and had glanced at his phone for a moment but then had simply placed it back into his pocket and continued along his way.
It had been a bit of a shock to Jong In, to witness him purposely avoid him.
Had it really only been a few weeks since they were hanging out together like they normally did?
Jong In closed his eyes again and let out a long sigh, placing his forehead against the cold hard desk.
“Excuse me,” came a voice from somewhere in front of him, interrupting his thoughts.
Jong In looked up, his eyes wide in surprise. The lecture had ended more than twenty minutes ago, the classroom should have been empty but a man now stood in front of him. He was tall, slim, with soft hair flowing about his forehead and a face that any girl might adorn their phone lock screens with.
A deep chuckle emanated from the man and Jong In blinked.
“Ah you have a–,” the person said and pulled a piece of sticky note from Jong In’s cheek. He gazed at it for a moment before handing it to him.
Jong In looked down at the note. He had furiously scribbled upon it earlier during class while lost in thought and now that word shouted glaringly back at him: ‘Idiot.’
Kill me now.
“Well if I did that then you wouldn’t be able to help me,” the man replied, laughter in his voice.
Jong In looked up, surprised. He hadn’t realized he had spoken out loud.
He cleared his throat. “S-sorry,” he mumbled, crumpling the offending note.
The man smiled. “I was hoping you could help me. I’m looking for someone. Her name is Chae Ji Soo,” he gazed at the watch upon his wrist, “though I am a bit early.”
Jong In stared at him. He vaguely remembered Ji Soo mentioning someone coming to meet her on campus. “By chance, are you the sunbae that is working with Professor Song?”
The man’s eyes lit up in surprise. “Yes, how do you know that?”
He stood from his seat. “Ji Soo mentioned that an alumnus she knew was coming to the university this week.”
The man’s smile widened and again, Jong In noted that he was quite handsome, perhaps even on par with Ye Jun. “How lucky. I thought it would take me hours to find her but the first person I happen to meet is not only her friend but also happens to be quite lovely.”
Jong In looked at him in surprise. Exactly, how was he supposed to respond to that? Were there any words of inane pleasantries floating around his head somewhere that he could spout?
“My name is Go Si Woo,” he said with a laugh.
Jong In internally winced. He had forgotten the most common pleasantry when meeting someone, asking for their name. Normally he wouldn’t have cared much but there was something about this man and his teasing demeanor that made him not want to lose face.
“Nice to meet you,” he said, clenching his fists so as not to stumble about his words, “My name is Lee Jong In.”
Si Woo chuckled. “You’re an odd one.”
Jong In felt his face flush out of embarrassment.
“But that’s cute too.”
Please stop. “I-I’ll take you to Ji Soo,” he said, stumbling on his words as he quickly grabbed his bag and scrambled out of the room. When he reached the door of the classroom, he turned back to see Si Woo watching him with open amusement.
“Sunbae, please,” he almost pleaded, “let’s go and find her.”
The man smiled, a glint in his eyes, and followed him out of the classroom.
They walked for several minutes up the stairs and toward a series of gray doors. Si Woo briefly saw the title “Coding Club” on the door Jong In knocked on and subsequently opened, without awaiting a reply.
The room was dark but Jong In instinctively reached for the switch on the wall and plunged light into the room.
Si Woo looked around and spotted a sofa bed on the farthest wall. Two bodies were laid out upon the small space.
“Who is it?” said a groggy, raspy voice as a disheveled head popped up from the sofa and turned toward them. “Oh, Jong In and… Si Woo oppa?” Si Woo watched as she reached up to rub her eyes when she paused and looked down. “Ugh, no wonder it was so hot,” she grumbled as she pushed away the arm that had laid heavy atop her. She stood and climbed over the second, still sleeping form.
“Oppa,” she yawned when she stood in front of them, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, “You weren’t supposed to be here until tomorrow.”
Si Woo smiled. “The professor called me in a little earlier to go over some material for our research. I just finished with him and thought I’d find you.”
They turned at the creaking of the sofa bed and watched as a tall, attractive young man with sharp features and sharp eyes stood up and made his way towards them.
When he reached them, he leaned into Ji Soo, who was again suppressing a yawn, and pressed his sleepy face into the back of her neck. She reached out and, almost out of instinct, ruffled his hair.
Si Woo watched them curiously.
“I told you to sleep in your own bed, Yoo Hwan.”
“But you looked cold,” he mumbled into her neck.
She yawned again. “Why do I even bother? You always just do whatever you want.” She then turned back to them, unfazed by the heavy head leaning on her. She led them toward a large table that stood near the middle of the room and plopped herself down, all the while, making allowances for the large form that seemed glued to her.
She turned to Jong In. “I know you don’t have any more classes so you don’t mind if we talk about that project now? It’s a good opportunity since Si Woo oppa has a lot of experience in the gaming industry.”
“Uh,” replied Jong In, sending Si Woo a furtive, embarrassed glance before sitting down. “Sure.”
A few weeks ago, Ji Soo had reached out to him with a proposal to develop a farming game. At first, Jong In had thought it too ambitious considering it was only their second year in university but he had understood her reasoning. She had grown up poor, having taken job after job in highschool to save enough for university. She had even selected her major purely based on what was one of the top industries in Korea that did not have too high of a barrier to entry. Her focus was almost always on making money but she knew that she could not do it alone and had thus asked Jong In to assist with the game’s graphic design, which just happened to align with his major.
Ji Soo quickly went over her proposal again and Jong In, watching her animated face and meeting her wide, hopeful eyes, let out a small smile.
“Okay,” he said. He wasn’t terribly certain of his skill but Jong In found that he could not turn her down, not because of her pitch for potential profits and a beefed up resume, but because she was his friend and her future mattered to him.
Ecstatic, Ji Soo wrapped her arms about him in a tight hug and pulled up a chair beside him as she began to share her ideas for the project.
At around 6PM, she stretched her arms out. They had spent several hours discussing the outline of the tasks and the type of engine to use, much of which stemmed from the advice of the sunbae. At one point, to Jong In’s surprise, Si Woo had offered to assist in the development as long as the workload did not get in the way of his other duties.
“I think that’s enough for today,” she said brightly. “I didn’t expect we’d plan out nearly the entire process. As expected, Si Woo oppa, you really are knowledgeable.”
She then turned to Jong In with a large smile. “And thank you for agreeing to be a part of this. I know you did it for me. Ah seriously,” she suddenly exclaimed, reaching over and pulling Jong In in for another tight hug. “What would I do without you?”
Suddenly, Hwan’s large form wedged itself between them, hugging Jong In in her place.
“Hey!” Ji Soo yelled with a laugh.
“Ah, I was feeling a little left out,” he said, turning back to look at her with a smile, while still clutching onto Jong In.
She laughed again, settling back down, and only then did Hwan let go of Jong In, who looked unperturbed by the interaction.
Si Woo watched them curiously. For such an awkward person to be unfazed by skinship meant this was likely a common occurrence.
“Anyways, since this was a successful first meeting, this noona will buy chimaek tonight!” Ji Soo boomed then began stuffing her papers back into her bag.
“Noona?” said Si Woo with an amused arch of his brow.
She winked. “I’m a noona if I am buying.”
Si Woo smirked, suddenly struck by a fun idea. “Then noona,” he said jauntily, placing an arm over her shoulder. “Can we also order meat and soju along with the chimaek?”
She pretended to deliberate then grinned. “Alright, I’m in a good mood tonight so let’s just go all out!”
Si Woo gazed furtively at Hwan and saw the man glaring quietly in their direction. Such a cold expression on such a handsome face all because of Chae Ji Soo.
Interesting.
“Let’s go!” she said, slinging her bag over her shoulder as her stomach grumbled loudly. “I’m so hungry, I may even take a bite out of one of you."
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