New Year’s Eve party at Taz’s. I’m looking forward to it but I am also a little nervous. Scott and I haven’t talked since Christmas and that evening went all kinds of weird. He explored my love life, I explored his skin, there was some sexual tension that I don’t know if any of us wanted to act on, then the weird way I reacted to talking about Damian, the really personal things he shared with me that I’m pretty sure not many people know, the time on my bed that almost evolved in cuddling… and then my empty bed in the morning.

I’m not sure where we stand now and I just hope that things won’t suddenly get awkward. I don’t know what I would do if things just suddenly became weird with him.

It also doesn’t help that I told the girls about Christmas (although I gave very few details) and they are now both super excited about me seeing Scott again. Grace thinks I should go for it because he is not the boyfriend type so I wouldn’t be breaking my rule, and she thinks I could use a distraction. As in stop getting distractions and stick to one. Kate, however, thinks that Scott could be my next boyfriend and that she would even forgive him for not being an ‘E’.

I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t want them to be involved in any of this, I don’t need more people confusing me about my feelings, I don’t want to read more in this than actually exists, and I especially don’t want to nosey roommates observing, discussing, and analyzing my every moves tonight…

Not that I should have worried about that. Scott is actually not at the party. I try to ignore the disappointment settling in my stomach as I mingle with other people, dance, have fun, and look at the door whenever someone new arrives. Never him.

Grace sits next to me with a glass of something pink and a cheeky smile. “You know I love you, right?” So… she’s clearly a bit drunk already. I guess she can drink as much as she wants, she’s spending the night here, so she doesn’t even have to worry about not throwing up in the Uber. As for Kate, I’ve got her. As we agreed, I am her designated driver.

So here I am, sober, in the middle of people I don’t know who are getting more and more drunk, without even the trace of a Scott to entertain me. Partying is definitely not as fun as I remembered…

“I love you too.”

“So I just want you to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy too.”

“I am happy. Tonight and in life.”

I chuckle. “Good for you.”

“But you’re not happy.”

“I am happy, Grace, do not worry. Go have fun.”

“You are a bit happy. But when you are with Scott, you are a lot happy. You need to be a lot happy.”

“Okay… first, we’ll talk grammar in the morning. But also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Scott isn’t here.” And it’s probably my fault… Not that she needs to know that. Even in this pre-drunken haze, she would come up with follow-up questions. A lot of them.

“Well… you’ll never guess who is stuck in bed, ill and alone on New Year?”

“I’m going to take a very wild guess and say Scott.” I brush it off with a joke, but the weight on my chest lifts. He is not avoiding me.

“It is!”

“Why do you look so happy about Scott being ill?” It is very out of character for Grace to find joy in someone else's suffering.

“Because he probably needs someone to go check on him…”

Oh. That actually is a good idea. “I can't just show up to his place like this,” I reply, apparently going for the cowardly answer.

“Why not? Isn't that what he did last week?”

Once more, she has a point.

That's how I end up knocking on Scott's door, three floors higher. He doesn't answer and I assume that he fell asleep and I wonder for a second if I should just get back to the party. If he is resting, I shouldn't wake him.

I still decide to knock a second time nonetheless. As if my mind was craving time with him.

This time he opens. He looks so different like this. He is not smiling, his nose is red, his forehead is slightly sweaty, he doesn’t stand straight, and he is wearing baggy clothes. He looks properly ill. But his face lights up when he sees me.

“Well, well. Andrew Scott. Are you becoming a fan of small, intimate celebrations?”

“I did enjoy our Christmas together,” I admit.

His smile is back, faint but real. “Yeah, well, as you can see, I’m not really up for any kind of celebration tonight.”

“I can let you rest if you want,” I say. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You never bother me. And I was about to make myself something to eat. Maybe. If I got the strength to get off the couch. But… I’m not going to be the best company. You should get back downstairs and have fun.”

“Do you want me to help you cook?”

“Andrew Scott, I have not enough pride to say no. Honestly, go have fun.”

“I’d rather be here.”

Ten minutes later, I am in Scott’s kitchen, reheating some soup for him. He wanted a microwaved burger but I managed to convince him to let me make him something healthier. Besides, if he is coming down with the flu or anything like that, he should be in bed, getting a lot of fluids.

“I’m sure that’s not how you wanted to celebrate this New Year,” he comments again.

“I’d spend time with my lover with no benefits over partying with complete strangers any day.”

“Tonight is definitely going to be with no benefits. Honestly. My entire body hurts, I am tired, moving feels like effort… You were almost a doctor. Why do we get sick? Millenniums of evolution for this?”

“I’d like to point out that I never even passed the front door of medical school, and also… Aren’t you more amazed at the crushing majority of times our bodies work well? Do you have any idea of the amount of stuff happening in your body every single second just so it can function properly?”

“No. And that sounds like something I won’t think about tonight. Did I mention that my head hurts?”

“Yeah. Like four times.”

“Well, it does.” I give him a bowl of soup and his frown turns into a grateful expression. “Thank you for doing this.”

“It’s nothing you wouldn’t do for me,” I reply. “It’s nothing you haven’t done before, actually.”

“I never cooked for you.”

“Can you even cook?”

“No. But reheating soup should be somewhere on my skillset. Just… you know. Not right now.”

He eats his soup and we talk a little bit about random things. We don’t mention anything that happened when we last saw each other.

It doesn’t take long for me to realize that he is exhausted and that he is struggling to keep up with the conversation.

“I think you should go to bed,” I tell him.

“Can I be the neediest lover without benefits ever?”

“Sure.”

“Feel free to say no.”

“Scott, honestly. Just ask.”

“Would you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

“I can stay with you until Kate needs a lift home,” I offer.

I end up in his bed, the room bathed in this blue light that I once more find really soothing, Scott lying against me, his head on my chest, one leg on top of mine. My arm is wrapped around him and I gently rub his back.

There is no sexual tension this time. This is something I would happily do for Kate or Grace, but this is somehow sweeter. It is also very nice to be the one taking care of Scott for once. I have not done much compared to everything he did for me, but at least I have the opportunity to give something back. However small.

“You’re really comfortable, Andrew Scott.”

“I’m available any time,” I reply, not even sure of what I mean by that.

“I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”

I like the light coming through the one-way mirror, but it occurs to me that it might be annoying for Scoot as he tries to fall asleep. “Do you want me to switch off the light?”

“No, leave it. I don’t want to move.”

“Okay.”

“Unless you want to go back to the party.”

If I stay here, nothing will happen. Scott will fall asleep against me and I will be stuck there, doing nothing but hold him, until Kate texts me that she’s ready to go home. If I go back to the party, I will be able to meet people, laugh, eat, be with my roommates, drink a little…

I have never been less interested in a party before.

“I’m good.”

“What if I get you ill too?” he asks.

“It would have been worth it,” I promise. And, oddly, I mean it.

“Hey, Andrew Scott? Any chance you’d actually put Kate in a taxi?”