—Michelle…
—Did you say something?
Gabriel went to pick me up that day. He preyed on the fact that we wouldn't see the rest of the family. He invited me to eat some hamburgers that night.
I was so engrossed that that girl's name came out.
—… How is Daniel?
—He is fine, but don't try to change the subject: who is Michelle?
I wanted my seat to swallow me up. How could I have got out in front of the most gossipy of my brothers?
—No one, a girl I knew.
—And she has you crazy, drooling on the floor, sighing like a cupid?
— Be quiet!
The scoundrel laughed at me, and I could only hide my face under the paper tablecloth. I didn't fall in love at first sight. But I felt comfortable talking to Gabriel about it.
—How did you know you were… well, that you liked men?
He stopped laughing. He adopted a serious posture. Likewise, he did whatever his personality could allow.
—It's something I always knew, but I was afraid to admit it in front of others.
It made sense. Gabriel was the quietest of my brothers, and although he also got angry at the preference my parents gave me.
He appeared to have something more important to worry about. Yet, he didn't seem bothered by it in the least. He came out of the closet a year after my incident.
Being in a similar situation brought us closer. My parents found it easier to accept my brother's homosexuality. It was interesting that they didn't have the same ease with my situation.
—So, do you like it?— Gabriel asked after a few seconds. I wasn't sure what to say to him. His beauty impressed me, but it was too early to say if I liked her. Not only that, but I had been through so much pain that I had dispensed with romance for much of my life.
—No, I don't.
—Who would have thought there were two homos in the family?
…
Homosexual?
I wasn't sure, and I wasn't even sure if I had stopped being a woman. I rejected the idea of being one, but I'm not sure if I'm another thing.
The next day, I sat on the fence between the athletic field and the school yard. My mind focused on two mysteries: my gender and Michelle.
For two years, I couldn't solve the first mystery. It was a revolution against me and my parents. I was unable to wear certain things, and they denied me during my childhood. But, as I grew up, I managed to do and wear them. Unfortunately, I had to give up many things that I did like.
Yet, femininity connected these things. I felt they tied me down to what I no longer desired. I put in a lot of effort and energy to change. My parents gave up, and I became a new person.
Was I a boy?
Was I a masculine girl?
—Sara.
The prefect was standing behind me. I jumped down from the fence to talk better; she was a kind woman, and she had the list of clubs with her.
—I wanted to confirm if you were sure you wanted to take Tae Kwan Do.
—Do you think I shouldn't do it?
She pointed to my whole body, —I'm not saying this because I heard that you would like to join the swimming team. Do your affairs at home influence you?
Always.
—No, I would make better use of my taste for hitting people.
The prefect looked at me and patted my shoulder.
—If that's how you get all that anger out, I guess it's fine.
She started walking towards the address. An idea came to me: she should know all the students.
I ran to catch up with her. —Excuse me, prefect, do you know which classroom Michelle studies in?
…
How was it possible that no one knew about her?
The prefect told me that she did not know any students with that name. I asked prefects from other years. I asked class by class. But no one knew the girl I was referring to.
I thought she was an outsider until first-semester students mentioned her. They went to the yard and said, “Include Michelle in the presentation.” I went after them; they were all talking at the same time.
—Excuse me, do you know Michelle?
It was as if I had said a bad word.
The group of girls turned to look at me at the same time; they all seemed to analyse me.
—He didn't come today; who are you?— asked a girl a little younger than me; she was like the alpha of the pack. I blank; I was waiting for them to tell me where to find her.
—If it's to bother her like everyone else, you better get lost.
What a character!
I saw the little group walk away. At least I already had a clue; I knew who her friends were. The following days, I was attentive to them in case he saw Michelle, sometimes, I saw a boy going out with them.
A week passed without being able to see her again, before the deadline to sign up or change clubs. At the exit, I was waiting for my mother; that day she would take me to the gynaecologist.
I saw her car park, and she came down with that air of everything in my life being perfect.
—Wait for me in the car; I'm going to talk to your prefect.
—Mom…
I was sure that she had already found out about my choice of club. A new discussion was forming when that music came out of the auditorium again.
—OK, see you, I forgot something.
Without giving him time to react, I re-entered the school.
I opened the door; the music invaded the space, and as I expected, Michelle was back on stage. She wore the sports uniform. Her bare feet spun gracefully. She enjoyed the dance.
Someone opened the door; the noise alerted the girl, who left the stage rushing.
—¡Miguel!
An older man in a suit entered the auditorium; he only saw me.
—Hey boy, haven't you seen a boy?
— No sir.
—Ah, excuse me, miss.
The man left the auditorium, taking advantage of the open door.
I did the same. I had left the building when someone brushed past me. They bumped me, but I ignored it.
—Miguel, I've been waiting for you for a long time— shouted the man he had seen recently.
Something fell from that boy's backpack, but in his hurry, he didn't notice. I ran to try to pick it up and return it to him, but father and son were already gone.
I was going to put it in my backpack when I noticed that it was a wig, and I had already seen it on. Likewise, I headed as quickly as I could to the prefect's office.
—Can I still change clubs?
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