---Warning: Mentions of self harm and the workings of depression are mentionedabout in this chapter, feel free to skip to the start of 'Morning arrived and...' to skip the part of self harm and some description of Ran's bad coping mechanism.

---National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 1800-273-8255 or visit the website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org ---

Time passed, and Spring returned again like clockwork, the tree trunks changing from a silvery, cold grey hue to warm golden brown as bright green budding leaves formed on the branches. Winter had passed by quickly, most cold days filled with a freezing rain than actual snow.

I woke up early one morning, a sense of just emptiness clawing at my mind and getting stronger, I was coming to the conclusion that this world was real and not just a dream or some fantasy. I dug my nails into the skin of my arms while my breathing sped up, tears burning in my eyes and I wanted to scream.

To wail and cry like a banshee at the thoughts and absolute realization I will never see my family again. Never tell them the things I wanted to say. It hurt. Painful wounds in my heart that began to get bigger and fester every time I was reminded and remembered that Gretchen and her family were not my own and I was an intruder on their lives. The sun had barely risen on the third day of me wallowing in my misery of this revelation, Boyd did his best, purring and licking away the tears that flowed as he curled up against my neck.

That familiar sense of the void threatened me, the urge to curl up in a ball and let myself fade into nothingness toyed with my mind as the sound of night creatures flooded in from my cracked window one night. I raised my arm and studied it, seeing the fresh marks from my fingers and the bits of skin and blood under my nails. The pain helped kept the sense of crawling into the void at bay but a part of me felt guilty for hurting myself, another more primal part of my mind raged at the decision of some asinine being that decided to drop kick me into a totally differently world without a care in either. I laid there, torn between the deep guilt and raw anger as this world, my, new world continued its endless rotation.

Morning arrived in what month I believed would be early April back home and I moved slow, fighting the urge to curl up back and give in to the feeling of just wanting to sleep forever, preparing my own offerings and left as Hans worked through a pile of wood to chop. I walked the familiar path, Boyd walking a few feet in front of me while the raven settled on my shoulder. I found myself stopping at the waterfall after gathering some wild roses and daises, I pricked my finger with one of the thorns instead of the needle and let the blood flow, watching it spread thin under the water. Would the creature be willing to eat me and let me be at peace if I tempted them enough?

I sat near the edge, Boyd and the raven playing a game of tag as I removed the thorns from the stems. A medical book had mentioned the benefits of roses and Gretchen has been wanting to try some items made with rose petals. Apparently they were a rare find near the area due to animals attempting to eat them despite the thorns and the unique way most needed to grow.

I had cut my hand twice on the thorns, hissing through clenched teeth as I shook my hand, the third time, someone gripped my wrist and I froze at the muck covered skin. The Nokken, crap, was I annoying them? Part of me waited to get chewed up by the being and-

“There is a time and place, but too much blood will attract other predators.” I swallowed as they spread some mud on my palm, there was a tingling sensation before it was wiped clean, showing healed skin. They pulled at my sleeve, seeing the marks and I yanked my arm back, fixing my sleeve. 

“What? No appreciation for this kindness?” I tapped at my throat and shook my head. “Born mute, eh. No matter, a-” They stopped for a minute, tilting my head back. Claws touched my throat and I fought the trembles in my body at the sharpness, they could easily rip out my throat and I would not be found until the evening. The raven croaked low from a few feet away and Boyd hissed, low and ending in a growl.

“Interesting.” I cracked my neck after the awkward position, see them shudder. “Humans and your, oddities.” A sneer on their face, they backed up a bit.

“But you, are under a curse.” My eyes widened. “No worries, your voice may be gone but that doesn’t mean it’s lost forever.” They clapped their hands, pulling a violin out of thin air. “I will teach you music to entertain and capture your prey.” I raised a brow in question and they groaned, rolling their eyes. A surprisingly human thing to do.

“A divine witch shan’t be without a voice, the fact you don’t have one means someone incredibly powerful has stolen it or you were really young and unable to protect yourself. But there is ancient, powerful magic that doesn't need the invocations of words to be activated.” I pulled out my journal.

“I remember waking up in the forest.”

“Someone must’ve rescued you before any other harm could be done, thankfully it was only your voice, imagine if it was your other senses.”

“Why my voice?” I quickly wrote.

“Words have power, and one of the gods that has claimed you is a god of magic, but that might have aided you.” I pointed to one of my marks, they were nothing but moles and flat ones most of the time. “The marks are part of an ancient language that when translated, shows the god’s name. I see part of at least two, maybe three.” They swayed from side to side to study me. I frowned as they did a complete circle around me.

The Nokken told me to mark everywhere on my body where a mole was so I finished gathering some herbs and left for the day with the promise of returning tomorrow.

And pants, they said I should wear pants.

I returned to our agreed upon spot as Gretchen came up, a bright smile on her face, a familiar form hurrying away towards the village. I looked between them and saw the flustered look on her face before she smiled brightly.

“Good news, Alex has invited us to the Folklore Festival.” I pulled out the dethorned roses and other flowers I had spotted, arranging everything in bundles. “Oooh, where’d you find these?”

“Near the waterfall.” She sniffed one before placing it in my hair. Why did it feel like she was trying to make me feel better about something? “You look like a nature fairy with that in. Grandma is still taking a nap.” I turned to Hans’ voice only to see him flinch and look away. Gretchen turned me back towards her, hands resting on my shoulders as she began to guide me inside.

“Still, we should prepare some stories for the festival.” I tapped Gretchen, wondering what it exactly entailed. “Oh right, the Folklore Festival happens during the middle of spring, it is also when spirits can come out to play and our ancestors can come visit. You showed up right after last year's had ended.” She pulled out one of the books I haven’t gotten to read yet. “Even the fae courts come out to have fun.” Sounded like Halloween from my world, or Samhain in the Celtic parts, but it was set in the springtime like the Mexican Day of the Dead before it got shoved to Autumn by Catholicism. 

“It is also when the Wild Hunt happens, so you need to be extra cautious when heading home after dark.” Hans warned as he dropped the last of the wood in the main room.

“The guards will escort us home if need be, they’re the only ones who can hold iron items anyway.” Gretchen pulled out a pot and some of the meat that we had gotten yesterday. Pork if I remember, from one of the wild hogs a hunter had caught.

“Go wash up, I’ll manage dinner.” Hans was shoved into the kitchen as Gretchen hummed under her breath, the tune sounding familiar and I headed off to the bathroom with my soap and journal. The first time I attempted to look at my body had me scrambling out of the bathroom in a panic. It was me, but not me. I could recognize some features, but not all, it's been a struggle to look longer than a few seconds. I held the edge of the tub and took a deep breath to readjust myself before looking up into the reflective surface of the heavily polished metal.

I had a womanly shape, all the right organs that made me a woman, with hips dips that put me a bit at ease. But, I was more copper tone in skin color, but with the high cheekbones and similar eye shape like that of an East Asian, no, Native Indigenous. Many Indigenous people were rare even back home due to the horrors forced upon on their people, even those from other countries. My mother was part Tofalar back home and grew up in Post Soviet Russia before escaping to the United States. Here it was mostly European people and very few were darker then me here, maybe that was why I often got stared at in the market.

I twisted myself in the mirror, looking at every inch of my body and marking the area where there was one. There was a strange multi-pointed star on my chest, with a set of cloven hoof prints, like a goat. It was directed right under my breasts and I had to lift a bit to actually see what it was.

Odd.

But not what the Nokken wanted to know about, just the beauty marks. Less time to focus on the body that was mine but not mine. I ignored the red welts on my arms and focused on cleansing myself.

 ***

Gretchen and I separated at a fork in the road, saying to meet back in a few hours. I found my feet taking me to the waterfall and the Nokken slipped out of the water at my approach, I pricked my finger and they took my finger into their mouth, lightly sucking on the wound before it closed.

“Ample, slightly sweet with a hint of spice.” I frowned. Was I a sort of wine to them? “This is the type of blood that most Fae would eagerly lap up.” I showed them the map of moles I found and they ripped out a piece of paper from my journal, placing the dots I made in something that resembled Braille.

“If there are two in similar spots, it means there is supposed to be an angled dash and a dash means a vowel.” I had seven.

“Wōden, Freyja, Cer…” My chin was gripped tightly and I found myself staring into the yellow eyes. “Just, who are you?” I signed my name, my real name against the skin of their wrist. They let go, a pained look on their face.

“You will no longer need to provide blood as an offering.”

“But I must still offer something.” They looked me over, tapping their chin in contemplation.

“Time. Spare me some of your time so I can impart to you the knowledge of how this world works.” I nodded.

"I may not always be able to join you, I can send a message through Edgar if you would like." I did have to help out around the farm and sell items at the stall in order to be useful. The Nokken huffed but complied.

That was how I spent my time, an hour was used up with the Nokken, who taught me how magic worked and spent the last fifteen minutes how to play the violin. My fingers ached and occasionally bled but it felt nice, able to hear something I made even if it was just music. I did learn to whistle though, apparently you didn't need your vocal chords for that. A full week had passed, full of me recording my findings for study and memorisation before the Nokken mentioned how much stronger the flow of magic got around me.

“How so?” I used a spare bit of paper.

“Can’t you see it?” I looked around, the most was a weak shimmer of something and that was around the trees and shrubs. “This won’t do.” They scooped up a handful of mud and smacked it into my face. I reached up to wipe the slimy feeling muck from my face and angrily write them out before they caught my hand in one of theirs.

“Leave it, can’t you feel it working?” There was a tingling sensation but I imagine that was an infection quickly settling in. “Now, we wash it away.” I was tossed in the pond, the mud was washed away from my scrambling under the water and soon found myself upside down staring at waterlogged corpses and bones sticking out of the mud below. I righted myself and popped up with a silent gasp, spraying droplets that fell across my lips with angry huffs and a few coughs, gagging at the taste of the murky water. I blinked the excess a few times out of my face, feeling warm air on my face and seeing the swirls of currents around me, each one was a distinct color and sigils like alchemy-I squeezed my eyes shut a few times to fully register what I was seeing.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” I nodded and pushed myself out of the water. A snort escaped them at my soaking wet appearance and they flicked their hand, my clothes being dry instantly in a flare up of golden orange and red sparks. I looked at myself, seeing the ribbons of green, gold, white, red, black, and blue wrap around and fade into my skin.

“That would be the power of the gods that chose you.” It was a bit unsettling but I found the ribbons fading from view and seeing normal inanimate things such as rocks, rocks for the most part had barely there flickers of something, almost a sort of glow deep within them but that wasn't too much of a distraction. The living things such as trees and animals were much brighter, walking on the grass had me hyper focused on each individual shoot. Coming close to the trees had the strange feeling of walking into a area of hyperawareness-each branch swaying in the breeze made me feel as if I was surrounded by scattering leaves and made goosebumps appear.

“Odd, my lilies seem to enjoy you.” I stopped, touching my head and feeling the soft leaves of budding flowers and paled.

“I’m so sorry!” I silently screeched. I must have landed near some of them or something! I hastily dug my fingers into my hair, expecting to feel the ripped ends in my tangled hair but only found them attached to my scalp. That made me even more panicked and I started clawing at my hair, the pain fire hot with each tug and drag of nails.

“Do not fret, the lilies are quite particular on who they want to be around, that and they will help with cultivating your magic.” They pulled my hands away, arranging the flowers back into place.

“And soon, we might have more nature sprites again.” They sighed. I raised a brow. They shooed me along.

“Go, spend time in the forest.” I did, getting lost for a while until Edgar had to direct me back to the main path and back to the pond to gather my items before leaving for the day. I did give in to a childish urge and hopped across some of the rocks only to fail epically a few times and splash right back in the water to the choking laughter of the Nokken.