It felt like years after I lost my fight when I regained consciousness. My body was so stiff and so cold that it may as well have been frozen solid. I tried wiggling all of my fingers and toes in a vain attempt to try and see how bad the damage I had been dealt was. I felt a small lump of snow underneath my fingers as I wiggled them and a slight breeze against them. Can I dig myself out? 

I tried everything that I could, I rolled as much as I could to make myself a little cave to give myself any room to dig upwards, toward my hand, and the breeze. The freezing cold breeze, but it wasn’t the snow that trapped me in its hold. Nothing seemed better to me.

Handful after handful I shoveled away at the snow above me with my stiff fingers that barely had any feeling left in them, not even bothering to wipe away the bits that fell on my face. I had to ignore the red that was bleeding into the snow after each handful.

I scratched and I dug my way out of the ice and slush that taunted me, threatening to be my coffin if I wasn’t fast enough, threatening to keep anyone from finding me ever again. I rolled the rest of the way out as soon as I managed to make a big enough hole to fit and just laid there for a few moments. Watching my breath rise from my mouth and nose in the faintest tufts that resembled morning fog in its whisps I lay there in the snow too tired to do much else. There was no way for me to know how much damage I got from the avalanche. I was numb, which should have been the best thing for me to be able to get home and thaw out but I was too tired and stiff to even sit up, let alone get to my feet. Or back to my home. 

Minutes had passed, or was it hours…I couldn’t be sure which, before I heard the first call. It pushed my body into a seated position as I looked around at the endless amount of trees. The call was almost unmistakable. Another echoed amongst the trees closer than the first, that one was very clearly my Mama’s voice. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind about it, I’d recognize her voice from anywhere in the forest.

I jumped to my feet, my body seemed to forget all about its previous stiffness that held me to the ground for so long in the first place. I yelled back to her, I was desperate to get to my family and hug them tight, and then we could get to our home and I could finally warm up. I waited anxiously for the next call as the world grew darker and darker as the night grew. It didn’t take long before I heard Talon’s call for me. Then my sister, Kelly, and Mama. I ran in the direction of one of them, not caring which, and called back as loudly as I could. I had to be heard, I couldn’t be left behind.

We continued like that for a while until I made it to my Mama and Sister, they weren’t their usual chatty selves as they looked around for me anxiously. They seemed to be in more pain than I had been while I was stuck in the snow. 

I tried to reassure them that I was fine and that we could call out to Talon and Papa to go back home because I was found...But they didn’t react, it was like they couldn’t hear me. I stepped in front of them confused and waved my arms calling their names. But nothing, there wasn’t even a glance at me. 

Mama called out again while she turned in my direction…I smiled knowing that her face would light up as soon as she looked at me and go back to her usual self. I held my arms out for her, I knew the moment she saw me she would run into my arms and berate me for making them worry so much. But she started walking, they both did. They walked right through me. Like I wasn’t there, they couldn’t see me, they were just as numb to me as I was from however many hours that I spent in the snow. 

I fell to my knees. It was like I wasn’t even there, to them I didn’t exist. They walked right through me, through my chest, and my body. My head couldn’t wrap around it, they couldn’t see or hear me, and clearly, they couldn’t feel me either. 

I heard Talon yell out. His voice was strained and filled with pain though he didn’t form any words, or he couldn’t bear to. 

I got back to my feet and ran towards my baby brother and knew exactly what he was seeing almost as soon as I could make him out. My family had all made it over to him before I could and each yelled out or cried. Except for my Papa who seemed frozen in place staring down at the ground, his back hunched over, I knew he was in pain from it but he seemed to have frozen when he noticed what everyone else did.. I knew I didn’t want to see it, but I couldn’t stop my feet from walking closer, ever closer. 

Please, no.

I don’t wanna see it.

I can’t!

My pleas were ignored by my body as it took me closer, and closer. It made me look down at the very spot that my Papa couldn’t tear his eyes away from. What I saw was horrifying, I couldn’t believe that it was real, and yet…it made so much sense, too much sense for my brain to make up. 

I stared at my own face looking back at me, frozen into a pained expression that still seemed to shiver even in its…current state. My face was pale, frosted over, and covered in some snow that Talon must’ve had to brush off to see me. My lips were a deep blue and I had hints of purple in my cheeks and nose. My hand was still reaching to the sky, my fingers ever so slightly peeking above the surface. It was painfully obvious that I had gotten severe frostbite by the time I… was found. Frozen solid isn’t exactly mild.

We all knew that it was too late to save me. I watched while each of my family members mourned in their own ways. They were either in denial, or they blamed themselves, or they couldn’t bear to look away from me. I was in that last category along with my father. 

I wasn’t ready to leave them, I can’t be… gone, I can’t be. I still had my family to take care of, my entire life ahead of me. The tree that I still had to find so I could give it to them. How are we…they going to make it through the rest of winter without me around? 

How could I still be here? 

It seemed like I was the only one that even knew I was still there. I couldn’t be the first person to have died here, not even the animals acknowledged me and I had watched many die in this area. 

Why am I the only one left behind? Isn’t there supposed to be an afterlife? Had I been uninvited?  Was I ever invited? Why do I have to suffer watching my family move on without me? What did I do to deserve this? 

I devoted my life to my family, to keep them alive, fed, and warm. Would they move on without me? Forget I ever existed? Would I have to watch, and be constantly reminded of it? I wouldn’t, couldn’t stay if they did. Could I just leave? Could I just go anywhere I wanted now? Where would I go? 

All I’ve ever known is here. Everyone I ever loved is here. What would I do once they leave me? I couldn’t expect them to stay here forever, or stay alive forever at least.

But it looked like I had no choice.