Eunji 

I sit on the chair, as Bong-cha, our talented makeup director, brushes a layer of glitter on my eyelids and carves the subtle contours of my face with a bronzer, enhancing my bone structure and giving me a fierce look.

I steal a glance at myself in the mirror. My reflection looks confident and fierce, ready to conquer the world.

Today, the girls and I are filming the final scene for the music video for our song “HOT tempo,” a catchy dance track that showcases our vocals and choreography and our fearless brand. We’ll be surrounded by CGI fire, which fits the whole concept of the song.

It’s my favorite track on the album, and a sense of pride always goes through me when I hear the song because I had the chance to co-create the performance with Miko, our brilliant Head Choreographer.

I love this song and the dance, but something gnaws at my chest with this last scene, and I have no clue why. I have a solo dance break in the scene where I spin around imaginary fire and fall into a flame, but then rise up like a phoenix, reborn and stronger. But every time I imagine myself doing it, my head throbs, and I have to gulp down some air to calm myself.

Like now, as Bong-cha adds the final touches on my face, I shut my eyes, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.

I can do this.

I created the dance; I can do it.

I will do it perfectly.

I squeeze my eyes shut to block out Mom’s voice, but her familiar words still seep through.
“You can’t achieve perfection without pain.”

“I alone have taught you how to be perfect. You cannot do it without me. You never will.”

“You’re ungrateful, you don’t deserve this!”
I am startled out of it when Bong-cha taps me on the shoulder and tells me they’re waiting for me on set.

I stride onto set with my signature brave face, hiding the storm inside me. I smell the energy of the creative atmosphere, a mix of sweat, perfume, and makeup. I take in the buzz of excitement, the chatter of the crew, the music in the background, and I breathe it all in.

Dal hands me a bottle of water to hydrate, and I nod my thanks.

The set is a carefully designed backdrop, a green screen, and a visual feast of colors, lights, and intricate details. I greet our director, who is giving instructions to the backup dancers, and then I make my way to the girls.

My smile widens as I reach them. They’re my sisters, my best friends, my support system, and I hate that I’m keeping such a big secret from them, but they must never know.

“Why the doom and gloom? I for one am excited for tonight.”

Yes, today is a very busy day for us. We’re wrapping up this music video, and then we’re booked at the studio to put the finishing touches on the Japanese version of “Over Flowers.” But the reason I’m excited is because we plan to go out and celebrate the end of our Blaze era.

We haven’t rested since our album Blaze was released. It’s been endless performances, endless recordings, interviews, etc. And now that we’re about to go on a two-week break before we kick off tour preparation, we’ve had our assistants book us our cherished private venue in the city, a cozy lounge with a karaoke machine and a well-stocked bar. And the girls and I plan to get shitfaced tonight.

At my question, Wo-young looks up from her phone and sighs. She’s getting her dress adjusted by wardrobe, a stunning jewel-encrusted two-piece number that glitters under the lights. “Look at this.” She shoves her phone screen in my face. I read the text from her assistant.

According to the text, ATLAS will also be at our spot.

“They’ve found our spot, and they’ve booked it too,” Yoonah complains with a shake of her head. She’s wearing a red rhinestone applique dress, looking like a badass with the accompanying thigh-high golden boots. “We can’t have anything in this city.”

I chuckle. “Come on, they’re not even going to be on the same floor. We can totally avoid them.”

Hana seals the cap on her water bottle and shrugs. She’s in a dark red sequined dress with golden jewels hanging on the sleeves that sparkle under the lights. “I know, but do they have to be everywhere we turn? It’s ATLAS this, ATLAS that.”

Lilly and Suji join us from hair and makeup. They look gorgeous, as always, wearing similar red-themed dresses with golden accents.

“ATLAS stole our spot,” Yoonah breaks the news to them.

“What?” Lilly says, her eyes wide. “What do you mean?” 
“Wo-young got a text from Minho. Apparently, ATLAS is going to be in the building too tonight when we go there,” I explain, not hiding my amused smile. 
Suji swallows and shakes her head. “Just great.”

A few minutes later, Director Lee gathers us girls for a brief overview of the scene. He goes on to explain the emotions he wants to capture, the symbolism behind the set elements, and the overall narrative arc of this sequence as we listen attentively, absorbing his vision and mentally preparing to translate it into their performances.

But that anxious feeling in my chest is back, and I shake my head to get rid of Mom’s voice. Her words echo in my mind, like a broken record. 

Director Lee takes his break, and the choreographer leads us in a quick rehearsal of the opening sequence.

My body moves with the music on autopilot, I hold my breath at certain points to keep my composure as we dance.

Then as we step off to hydrate and get our makeup retouched, Lilly hurries behind me as I try to find a quiet place to regroup.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I force a smile, careful not to show anything more. 

“You looked a bit off during rehearsal. Are you okay? Did you get to eat before—”

I nod. “Yeah, I had a hearty breakfast, I’m okay. You?” 
She nods but doesn’t seem satisfied with my answer as the makeup artist starts touching up her face. I walk further away, finding a quiet place behind the set. 
Closing my eyes, I count to ten. 
Then I do it again until the voices in my head quiet. 
Then I head back to the set.

“Places, everyone!” The assistant director calls out, and the set comes alive with movement as the girls and I navigate the vibrant set, finding our marks.

As the cameras start rolling, Director Lee observes from the monitor as the set falls into a focused hush. He calls “Action!” and we spring to life with precision and synchronization.

The choreography unfolds seamlessly, each one of us hitting our marks while exuding confidence and charisma when the camera pans to our faces, capturing vibrant close-ups.
I take my place at the center, and the music pounds through the room. Amidst the choreography, something else pounds in my head; words of doubt, words that make my head spin, words that have me stop and freeze in the middle of the scene, like a deer in headlights.