I become so weak I can’t even stand, as I crawl back up the stairs to my room, I’m not sure what happened but that one little fight with Seth has drained me of all my energy, no it wasn’t the argument, but that weird hallucination of Seth and that other man. After losing focus, that’s when I felt depleted. I wonder what that was, who that guy with Seth was and why Seth was dressed in what appeared to be a costume. As I reach the door the exhaustion pulls at me, I lay down on the bare mattress, the lingering chemical smell permeating the air as I fall further into the void, I can feel a gentle fog covering me. I close my eyes and fade away. The peace around me seeps into my bones and I notice the weight that was just suffocating me a few minutes ago rise above my shoulders. Here is always a place of comfort for me, the people never feel like strangers, the feeling of being trapped disappears and I can finally take a breath. I’m used to this; I have experienced a similar feeling many times in the past. So, what is different about this time is the man looking this way, I think I have seen him before, but not this clearly. He’s being subtle about it, but I know he’s watching me. I can feel him, he seems familiar somehow, I am so aware of his presence that I think I might know him. When I peek his way, I can sense how I affect him too. That’s just my luck, the only person who seems to care about my existence lives in my head. My God though, whoever he is, is the epitome of gorgeous, and totally my type but why wouldn’t he be, it is my dream after all. Shit, that just fits perfectly with what my kids say, I am an outcast if the only person who wants me around is an imaginary pseudo-friend that lives in my head.

Although I question if it really is in my head, everything here always seems so real I can’t even tell the difference anymore, but why do I keep finding myself here of all places? Even with the rain, the fire is still going strong. Burning everything in its wake. People look up and slightly bow their heads as I walk by.  Here, I’m praised and respected, I look around and see the families huddled together watching as their memories burn to ash. I know I am here to help these people; I just don’t know how.

“Mom, Mom, are you here, did you pick up my dress for the dance?” My daughter yells somewhere far off in the distance.

My daughter, where is she I don’t see her. I look up and the gorgeous man that was watching me from afar smiles, why did he do that? Instantly, I am yanked off my feet, I feel this unbearable weight, a heaviness like shackles that I thought I removed clamps onto my body, and the suffocating presence grabs at me. I try to stand and run from the pressure as it drags me down.

“Mom, did you hear me, why are you not answering?” I hear my daughter begin to panic over not being heard and wonder why I feel so terrified with the thought of returning to my lifeless body waiting for me in that mausoleum of lies. I claw and scratch at the shackles as they bite into my skin. With no hope of getting away I go limp and let the black cloud wrap around me.

I come to, groggy and disoriented, I look up and see the same splotchy bloody wall, the disaster of a bedroom and hear the screech of my daughter. Well, that sucks, I wanted to stay a bit longer, maybe figure out who that man I dreamt up is.

“Yes, Erin, it’s in your room, looking works most of the time.” I sigh.

“Mom, hold on Deb, let me see, God, I don’t even know what she does all day she’s probably sleeping, it’s not like she works or something. I mean really, she’s home all day and still doesn’t respond when I call.” Erin tells her friend.

I open the door and yell at my ungrateful child.

 “I don’t know, Erin what do you think, I do all day, clean, cook, pick up shit for you and your brother, you know the same BS.” I yell down the stairs.

“I’m so tired of…, oh, Shit not now.” I plead.

The feeling of being pulled back slowly creeps over me, why does this keep happening Shit, I will be amazed if when I return, I don’t wake up in an institution, if my ex is around that’s exactly what will happen, if he could only be so lucky. As I open my eyes and look around, I know I am no longer at home. I feel a chill run down my spine, I am standing outside, the fire has spread everywhere now, and young children are huddled in a corner crying. It has gotten worse since the last time I visited.

“Excuse me miss.” Someone speaks.

I turn and look, and standing in front of me is a young boy, he looks around nine or ten, with ash covering his face and scars on his hands. I feel the pinprick in my heart, I am not sure why I feel this way, but every time I find myself having a hard time differentiating my emotions from those around me. I gaze at the boy.

“Yes, son what can I do for you,” I ask softly.

Is that my voice, why do I sound so different and what’s with the way I am talking?

“Please come with me?” the boy begs.

He grabs my sleeve and starts pulling me with him, I go willingly when this happens. I don’t think I have any control; I just follow, it happens so much anymore I feel like a Drone, and out there someone else holds the controls, it might be my handsome friend, since I vaguely recall seeing a glimpse of him in past situations. The boy pulls me over to a woman lying on the ground, she is barely breathing and covered head to toe in burns.

“Momma” The boy whispers.

I look at the woman, and my heart cracks, she is the one I saw before that was huddling with her small children, there were more people around at the time. I kneel at her feet, place my hands over her body and begin to chant. I’m not sure why I am doing this or what I am even saying. What is this language and how do I know it.

“The cool water will wash away her pain.” I say to the sky.

As I speak water falls from my hands, I still have no way to explain how this happens, I think because it’s all in my crazy mind, I see what I want to, but regardless this is the only thing that seems to calm and quiet my soul these days. The woman’s breathing starts to relax.

“With this blanket, I shed the scars that never were.” I pull a thin cloth from the earth.

I raise my hands and begin the Sekhmet chant. Although I don’t remember knowing what that is, I somehow still know what to do. I start by covering the lady from head to toe, when I look at the young boy, he has a trail of tears running down his face and moves to hug me.

“Thank you, my lady, thank you so much, you are truly our savior, our Eset come to life.” He praises loudly.

 His gratitude is unnerving, and I wonder how they always know my name.

“It’s ok” I console him and look down at the woman.

“She will get better, but you must keep the blanket covering her till the sunrise.”

I’m confused, I can’t say how I know what to say to this child, but I am confident in my words.

“I will, I promise, bless you, goddess.” he says tearfully.

I will never understand why they call me goddess, the first time I thought it was due to how overcome with emotion they are in the moment, oh well, that’s a problem for another day I suppose. As I rise off the ground, I feel the need to look out to the east, that’s when I see my mysterious friend, but only for a minute, I only get a glimpse and then he’s gone, I hope someday I get to speak to him, I wish I knew who he was? I would run to where he is, but before I can take a step a headache slowly engulfs me, the pressure comes over me once again, dammit, guess it’s time to wake up, I look out at the handsome stranger one last time.

“I promise, I will find you,” I whisper.

As I come to, I notice the ache in my back. I rise off the floor and walk towards the door, shutting it softly. I need a minute to think before dealing with these spoiled kids.