I shake my head frantically and get myself together as I stand up grab an empty box and head towards the door I had avoided for so many years, heart pounding in my chest and my stomach churning in response as I head to what feels familiar but yet so foreign to me.
With a step left I reach for the doorknob and hold it in my palm and the cold feeling of it fills it and slowly becomes warm as I stand hesitant to open the door.
the seconds that I spend standing here fill me with so much pain that it feels like years.. I guess it's make-up for the time I've spent avoiding this even though I knew this day would come after they left. I only delayed it with the constant grieving over my child and what life would be like without them.. how do I live life how do I keep going..
I twist the door and push it open as if half expecting my child to miraculously be there waiting to see me after so long, I look into the empty room of everything still there when they left, a few unfolded clothes sitting in their chair that I've told them countless times they have to fold and put up, their nightstand full of the decorations and things I had bought them because it was there favorite thing, their floor is tidy but I can still see where they'd left a few things lying around, their empty cup sitting on the table, the unmade bed that they never will make again.
I stand there in silence unexpressed and feeling hollowed out as my face floods with tears in silence the room looks so normal but to me, it is as if a gray wash has tinted over the room.
the voice of them, their laughter, they're crying, their anger.. it's all gone. they're gone...
I sigh and the whine of my voice breaks through it a bit as I walk into the room and start putting their things in the box neatly and ever so gently while wiping my face occasionally "Look who has the waterworks now huh kiddo..." I mumble to myself but that doesn't it even brighten or make anything better.
It would always cheer them up and help them, they'd groan about the dad jokes I'd make but would still smile or make them laugh a little when they were down.
As I carry more boxes in the room, one after the other, packing away their things in neat assortments and labeling the boxes. there's just one last place for me to pack up.. the bed and nightstand, Taking a deep breath to hold back from crying again I sit the box over to the side and start taking down the decorations, their favorite things, and the souvenirs I got them them from trips we took. I open the nightstand and see a few books and hidden grade papers from who knows how long ago then put them into the folder it was sitting on and put that away
there's one book left over and as I pick it up I notice my name is on the book and a sticky note out the side that says open me, I trace the letters on the book cover and peel off the shopping sticker before opening up the book.
Hi Dad, I made this book for you and hope you like it as this is the final gift I'll give you in this lifetime.
I wrote you a few letters and I hope they help you through what you're going through.
I flip the page over to the letter they had written for me and feel myself beginning to fall apart.
Dear Father, remember the day you took me home for the first time and put me to bed for the first time, you hugged me for the first time, and saw me smile for the first time? I'm so happy that you loved me like your child, wanted to be my dad, and took care of me.
Dear Father, remember when my first day of school started and I didn't want to go because I was scared? you told me everything would be ok and you held my hand as we walked up to the building.
Dear Father, remember when I was playing outside and put a dent in your car and I tried to hide it from you? you told me it was ok because it was an accident but taught me it's not ok to lie and always to tell the truth
Dear Father, remember when I told you who I was and what I wanted to be when I grew up and you still accepted me? I was no longer afraid and finally felt like myself.
Dear Father, remember when you taught me how to cook and on my first try, I burned cheese in the microwave? It smelled terrible but you were proud that I gave it effort in trying to make nachos for you.
Dear Father, remember when I had my first heartbreak and you were there for me and made so many bad dad jokes? it wasn't the time for it but it helped me. You did so much for me growing up, thank you for being my father, thank you for being my dad. I wish you happiness and I want you to look forward in the future. there are more letters that I wish to share with you but in time you will receive them.
I close up the book as tears fall into it, not wanting to ruin the writing I sit the book down and continue packing everything and setting the box down to the side.. it takes me a moment to stop crying once again but I manage
while sealing up the boxes and placing them in the truck with the rest of the boxes and furniture I loaded up.
I look back at the now-empty home where I raised my child and the memories that were held here..
"I really do have to leave all behind don't I.." and it pains me knowing that I'll be doing this alone, maybe... I look at the book as I sit into the driver's seat and brush my fingers over the cover one last time before shifting it out of park and pulling out of the driveway, hands tight on the steering wheel and shaking I take a deep breath and think of the letters I have yet to read. they're right about looking ahead. I have to stay strong and move forward and heal myself as grieving for eternity isn't so good, I don't have to live life alone unless I choose so, but who knows when or who it will be.. "Let's see where the road takes us".
Whatever comes next in my life I'll be ready to live and embrace it.
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