Content Warning: mild AFAB-terms
“You met who?” Dae Won doesn’t hide the surprise in his voice.
“Ki Tae.” Ha Yoon says, “Cho Ki Tae! Remember? Our Mad Dog!”
“Really?” Dae Won still sounds unconvinced.
Ha Yoon sets down the knife on the chopping board and quickly wipes his hands on his apron before trotting to the living room. By now, the apartment is furnished a little over the bare minimum. A two-seater couch, a coffee desk, a TV stand. Some trinkets and books are stashed on the bookshelf while others still hide in moving boxes. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten him.” He rummages through the bookshelf and pulls out a photo album. “C’mere, look.”
Most of their high school photos consist of the three of them doing silly poses. While Ha Yoon and Dae Won were the daredevils who would dive off a cliff into the river, Ki Tae enjoyed their company quietly in the background. But just because he hung around and didn’t say much, it didn’t mean that he was any better than them. In fact, he was the most violent out of the three of them and would mercilessly swing a metal bat at someone else. Stained with unforgiving blood, he was nicknamed Mad Dog.
“Wow, did he go to prison?” Dae Won laughs at his own joke.
“No way, he looks too good to be someone who just got out.” Ha Yoon flips through the album, now going down memory lane. There are a lot of photos when he still had long hair and if no one knows about him, they will say that he looks good standing next to Dae Won. Like a tough romantic couple.
Ha Yoon doesn’t miss his long hair. But he misses the freedom of a teenager. No care of the world. Not worried about what others think. Free to dress and be however he wants to be. Now that he has come out to the world, he has to cut his hair short, throw away all his skirts, and present himself in a certain way simply to pass as a man.
Isn’t the whole point of coming out is to strip away the lies and live honestly and proud of himself?
So why does it feel so suffocating?
The lies shoved aside so that he can live.
The desires left unspoken because there is no way he can tell Dae Won.
Being so close to each other, Ha Yoon has to stop himself from leaning in and kissing Dae Won. He wants Dae Won to push him down, to ravage his lips, to cup his breasts and lick between his thighs. But Dae Won is much too pure and perfect to do something so animalistic.
I shouldn’t be greedy. We’re now living together, I shouldn’t make Dae Won uncomfortable.
Ha Yoon swears that he will keep his dirty secrets to himself. He’ll lie to himself and the world if it means Dae Won will continue to be by his side. His heart aches with an echoing emptiness. How long must he live like this? Five years? Ten years? Forever?
He puts away the photo album and returns to the kitchen to finish preparing breakfast. Another day of work, another day of blending in with everyone else so he doesn’t stand out and attract unwanted attention. Ha Yoon leaves the apartment before Dae Won. The morning air envelops him like a cleansing wind to welcome him to the sterilized building of the hospital.
But waiting for him on the bench outside, Ki Tae’s dark presence stands out like a sore thumb. Decked in all black, tattoos and piercings exposed. A huge contrast to the peaceful greeneries of the little park outside the hospital. He gets up from his seat when he spots Ha Yoon walking towards him.
Before Ha Yoon can greet him, Ki Tae pulls him into a tight hug. Strong arms wrap around Ha Yoon, pressing their bodies together. A warmth Ha Yoon has never felt before. A warmth Ha Yoon desperately wants from Dae Won. He looks up at Ki Tae’s familiar smile, still surprised that after all these years, Ki Tae has hardly changed.
“I’m so glad I ran into you. Really.” Ki Tae gestures for them to sit. “You look… different.”
“I guess so.” Ha Yoon laughs, “A lot happened but here I am.”
“But do you still have the piercings? Or did you throw them away?”
“They’re at home. I can’t bring myself to toss them. You know I’m quite sentimental.”
Ki Tae laughs and carefully leans in so that his voice is only a whisper. “What about your nipple piercings?”
“Ssh!” Ha Yoon glances around to make sure no one hears them. “Had them removed too. They get in the way of the binder.”
“Aw, what a shame,” Ki Tae sits back, “They were cute.”
“I had to change a lot of things to be taken seriously at work,” Ha Yoon joins him, “We’re not kids anymore.”
“Just because we’re now adults, doesn’t mean we can’t have piercings.” Ki Tae gestures at himself with a large grin on his face. “I’m still rocking everything and more.”
“Hah, ‘cause you’re now a what? Rock musician?”
“Punk. Backing vocals and guitar.”
“That suits you,” Ha Yoon chuckles, “I knew you weren’t cut out for a boring job.”
“And you’re right.” Ki Tae’s smile softens. He pulls out a black business card and slides it to Ha Yoon. “When I’m not performing, I work here.”
Midnight Swallow
“A bartender?” Ha Yoon fiddles with the card, “That’s so like you.”
“I’ll make you the most delicious drinks.” Ki Tae reaches out and gently holds Ha Yoon’s hand, his thumb stroking the knuckles.
The gesture sends a shiver down Ha Yoon’s spine. He meekly glances at Ki Tae’s sharp eyes and feels his face reddens. But he doesn’t pull his hand away. Instead, he relishes in the physical contact, plucks up some courage, and intertwines their fingers together.
Just like old times. He tells himself. Friends hold hands no problem. We’re best friends, pretty much stuck together on the hips.
Ki Tae’s lips pull into a smile as he squeezes the hand in his. “Come by tonight if you’re free.”
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