“I’m a man, as in, I am a transman.” Ha Yoon’s voice remained strong and resolute.

“Huh?” Dae Won looked up from his phone. Even as a teenager, he was tall and well-built with a body sculptured by the gods and a face that stole the show. But what attracted Ha Yoon to him was his character. “Ah, you mean transgender?”

Ha Yoon nodded. Sweat trickled down the back of his neck in the summer heat.

“So you’re a dude, like us, right?” Dae Won gestured at him and Ki Tae who was sitting in the tree shade.

“Yeah,” Ha Yoon answered carefully. His stomach was doing multiple flips, churning and chewing on his insides. How much did they know? How much would they tolerate? Would their friendship break apart here?

Dae Won seemed to be in deep thought about it and the silence that stretched almost made Ha Yoon throw up. Maybe he would rather confess his love to Dae Won and continue to live as a woman.

No.

He couldn’t do that.

He couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

He needed Dae Won to see him as his true self.

“That’s cool.” Dae Won’s face broke into a smile. “Whatever the case is, we’re still friends!”

The words broke the dam that Ha Yoon had been holding onto and the burden on his shoulders lifted. If he hadn’t loved Dae Won before, he would be on his knees now.

“Whatever you choose to identify as,” Ki Tae spoke up from the shade, “You’ll always be Yu Ha Yoon to me.”

And since then, life became brighter for Ha Yoon. He chopped off his precious long hair and went against the school uniform rules. Now that he didn’t have to keep his gender identity a secret from Dae Won, he thought he would build the courage to finally confess his feelings. Slowly but surely, he would be brave enough to tell Dae Won that he loved him, wanted to kiss him, wanted to give his entire body and soul to him. Coming out as a transman had been a high hurdle to jump, but confessing his love was a whole other challenge.

It’s fine. Ha Yoon told himself. Now that my gender is out of the way, I have all the time in the world to tell Dae Won.

So the three of them continued to hang out as friends did, believing that nothing would change for them.

Until the day Dae Won got a girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Ha Yoon snaps himself out of the memories. Dae Won had a girlfriend. Towards the end of their high school years. Ha Yoon can’t remember exactly who she was but he remembers Dae Won talking about her and how he would change himself to have a good life with her. Become a proper adult, get a boring job, and move into an apartment together.

The evening air prickles his skin as he runs all the way to their apartment. The venomous ball in the pit of his stomach has returned and Ha Yoon wishes that the darkness could suffocate and end his anxiety.

Who was it?

What happened to her?

He doesn’t understand the waves of emotions crashing inside him except for one.

Fear.

Is this what Ki Tae meant?

Standing in front of their door, Ha Yoon can’t catch his breath. He holds the door handle with cold hands and the venomous ball in his stomach turns into a writhing snake. He wants to throw up. He wants to ask Dae Won about the girl. But he doesn’t want to know the answer. What if he says that he wants to go back to her? What if he ditches Ha Yoon for the pretty girl?

No, he can’t let that happen.

He’s done so much and come so far to this point in his dream life. He can’t give up because of some silly little thing from the past.

Ha Yoon unlocks the door and pushes it open before he can think otherwise.

“Oh, you’re back.” Dae Won greets him from the couch in the living area. “Shall I start preparing dinner now?”

Oh, he’s so perfect. A bright smile that eases his worry. A warm radiance that envelopes the entire room. How can Ha Yoon ever doubt this perfect man?

The anxiety slips away with each word Dae Won speaks. Being in his presence is enough to turn everything in the world right and Ha Yoon wants to jump into those strong arms, kiss him on the lips and profess his love and dirty desires. But he has to restrain himself because Dae Won isn’t one to express his feelings with physical touches. But that’s enough. He’s satisfied with how things are now.

Ha Yoon closes the door, leaving behind the messy thoughts in the darkness of the night sky.