The next two hours, my aunt taught me how to play Sudoku along with just simply chatting about random things such as art. I didn't remember ever talking to anybody for so long. In the past, every time my aunt had tried to talk to me, I basically just small-commented out of it. How could I have let my stupidity take away so much from me all this time? And how had I been so blind to how amazing my aunt was?

Soon, we got ready and were on our way to Donavon's for dinner.

He appeared on their porch and waved to us as we approached his house. 

My aunt's face brightened. "He is as handsome as you described."

"Aunt Lil! I never said that about him."

She laughed, and we both exited the car.

Donavon had a soft, yet very bright smile as we approached their porch. He had changed into shorts, and I noticed his bare feet, being the first time I had seen them—kind of boney but not bad for boy's feet. We all said our greetings as Donavon led us inside, which strongly smelled like lasagna.

"You can take your shoes off if you want to," Donavon said. I did so, causing him to smirk at my purple, bunny socks.

"Welcome, welcome! So glad you could come," Donavon's mom cheered us in as she entered the living room. "Dinner is finishing in the oven but, hey, you guys make yourselves comfortable and grab a seat."

Donavon sat on the carpeted floor, probably since there wasn't much seating. My aunt and I took a couch, and his mom sat on a chair across from us.

"I started to worry after I started to think about it," Donavon's mom said a little dramatically. "I hope it wasn't too much trouble for you all to come over, especially getting right out of the hospital."

"Oh no, not at all, we were thrilled for the invite," my aunt answered gracefully as she sat looking relaxed, yet dignified. I simply sat stiffly and listened to their conversation.

"Wonderful! Now tell me what you do?"

My aunt then went on and told her about working on the farm and selling raw milk to customers, and sometimes working with the cows and how they took good care of them. Then Donavon's mom shared about her new help desk job and their recent move from Colorado and such. I glanced over at Donavon now and then who was genuinely listening, even though he didn't say anything.

After a few minutes, Donavon's mom got up. "Well, I bet dinner is ready; shall we eat?"

"Yes please," Donavon sprung up. "I'm starving." 

We took our new seats at the table—my aunt and I on the same side and Donavon across from me. I was glad my aunt was there to take the hit of questions his mom threw out constantly. Her eyes would widen in amazement even at non exciting things. Like ping pong balls, my and Donavon's eyes bounced back and forth between their conversation.

For a moment, I thought I felt something gently bump my foot. Donavon's foot? I looked over to him. He glanced at me for a moment, expressionless, then looked away casually as if nothing was going on. After feeling his foot brush by mine two more times, my mind's conclusion of "accident" was starting to decline. My face started to heat up, and I stopped eating.

His foot now was stationed next to mine. I knew he was looking at me, but all I could do was stare down. My fork became an aimless poker of my food as my brain didn't seem to know how to process this foot affection.

His foot then declined away, leaving a cold lonely spot. I didn't necessarily want that but knew my lack of response must have driven him away. It wasn't surprising since he seemed to try so hard to respect my space—the space that I was now wanting to let him in. But would I always be pushing him back even without trying?

My attention then turned to the ladies' conversation.

"So you never married?"

"I'm not sure the married life suits us," my aunt gave a half nervous laugh. She looked over to me with a smile. "It's a girl's only house."

I thought it was strange she said "us" rather than "me".  Again, my mind pondered the possibility that she never married because of me. She had known that Jeffery guy for years. Was it possible she had turned him down long ago for my sake? Knowing my aunt, it wouldn't have surprised me if that were the case, her feeling the need to be there for me even though I had pushed her away. 

But now things were different. Why would she still refuse a relationship? Because she knew that my time as normal could still be limited even after all the hope she had showed?

Lost in thought, I lost track of what else they had said after that. My mind zoned back in again. Somehow, their chatter had turned back to careers again.

"I had started a degree in biology, but only got three years in," my aunt said.

"What a shame! Why did you never finish?"

"That's when Avery came to live with me." My aunt once again looked over to me and smiled.

I didn't smile back. This was the first time I had heard about her having to quit college because of me. It had never occurred to me that me coming into her life would have put an end to her previous wishes and goals. 

An old guilt hit my gut again. My aunt still could have done classes, but again, just like the dating, did she simply try to go overboard so I would never feel rejection? And all that time I had been rejecting her?

This new information was like poison in my stomach. For a time, I had even forgotten about the existence of Donavon who now seemed to be giving me a concerned look. I needed to get away before any tears escaped me.

"I'm not feeling well," I said quietly to my aunt. 

"Aw, I'm sorry sweetie. We can go home now."

"No it's okay, I'm just gonna go to the car," I said, standing up to take my leave.

"That poor thing, I hope it wasn't the food," I heard Donavon's mom say right before I exited the front door. 

I didn't want to seem rude, but I also wasn't about to break open "Noah's flood" in front of everyone either. 

Once inside the car, I looked back to see my aunt already heading over. I would try not to cry until we got home.

"Are you alright?" She asked, getting in her own seat and starting up the car.

I wasn't sure how to answer as my mind recycled old self-hate. Giving a slight nod, I glanced back out to see Donavon walk out on their porch—his eyes very somber. I returned his wave as we drove away. Why did I have to ruin everything?

My hands fumbled around in my lap as I tried to keep from shaking too much. But as much as I tried, I couldn't help but start crying. It didn't take long for my aunt to notice.

"Avery sweetie, what's wrong?" She pulled over on the side of the road. Her eyes gave their full worried attention as one of her hands lightly set on my shoulder. 

"Aunt Lil," I spoke slowly, looking down. "I know I was just thrown into your life. You didn't ask for me, and you didn't have a choice. You were a wonderful accomplished person with ambitions and then I…" My voice became too cracked to speak as my tears increased.

"Oh, sweetie, no! How could you ever think? That's ridiculous."

In quick loving response, her arms opened for me to come over. I did and her arms hugged me warmly as she spoke.

"I would have never chosen a different life for myself. And as much as I hated to see my brother suffer, all the loss gave me you. I gained something that all of that other stuff simply could never replace."

At this point, I couldn't help but cry uncontrollably. I knew it was pathetic, but I couldn't fight it anymore. The hurt, the joy, the guilt, the gladness, the bitter and beautiful—it all meshed up together in one moment. 

It was astounding that for so many years I had shut away the fact of my aunt's incredible love. She had always been there like a mother for me. Yet all the while, I had convinced myself that I wasn't worthy of love, but I now had to believe my aunt's words were true.  

Finally, all the emotions stilled, and I felt a place in my heart had suddenly started to feel new. I leaned back, finally brave enough to look her in the eye.   

"Aunt Lil… " I started, not quite knowing how to finish. There were way too many feelings to share. "I'm convinced that you are the best person to ever live."

She laughed, "Oh nonsense. I still remember the first time seeing you at the hospital after your birth. Your father handed you over to me. He said he couldn't think of a name and wanted me to choose it. I was ecstatic and right away said 'Avery Jade'. It was the name I would have given to my daughter if I were to ever have one. Of course, at the time I had no clue that I would get the joy of you coming to live with me." Her smile shone warmer than a million sunrays that shot right through my soul.

"I never knew all of that." I simply stated, now feeling that my name was very special. "Thanks for not giving up on me."

With a new gleam in my heart, we drove to pick up my stuff at my dad's. My brain was starting to process that I actually had value. It was a foreign concept but probably should have been apparent. My aunt had valued me. Donavon had valued me, but now it was time to see my own value.

My mother hadn't valued me, but what Donavon had said came to mind: What people do or don't do can't determine who we are.

Had I let my mother determine my own opinion of myself all these years? But I had a choice to be free of that. I could be a better person than I ever had before and let my old self image go.

My dad met us outside and chatted with my aunt some as I collected my belongings. Checking under the couch, I spotted the knife my dad had given me. Just for a moment I paused, then finally put it in my pocket.

Once back in the car, I couldn't help but question the reason of the knife. I guessed what its use was meant for...just not why he got it for me. Perhaps my aunt would know.

"So…I was wondering," I started. "The gift my dad got me was…a knife. I thought it was…kind of strange…" I looked to her with questioning eyes. She seemed to think a moment before giving me a mixed look.

"Your dad just wants you to live a long happy life."

"But there are some things I couldn't consider a happy life."

She paused a moment. "It could be that he gave it to you partly for himself."

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

She set a hand on my arm and gave a slight smile. "You may not need to use it, Avery."

I tried to smile back, as well as push away morbid thoughts. I didn't want a reminder of my mother or my possible unpleasant future, so I hid the knife deep in my closet once we got home. I then checked my phone to see that Donavon had texted me.

"I'm sorry about tonight," was all it said. I wasn't sure if it was because he thought I had gotten sick or because he thought I was offended by the under table happenings.

Quickly, I answered back. "No worries, I'm feeling fine now."

An idea then popped in my head, and I texted him again: Tomorrow, park at noon.