The sounds of my alarm only brought the nagging worries of yesterday. I had thought I was finally able to be close to my aunt and Donavon, and now it felt I was even further. An excitement only pooled into dread. But if I could find the courage to tell Donavon…then what?
During the walk to school, my mind kept on cycling through ways I would possibly tell him. It would make it easier if the general public knew about vampires, but with them being so rare, it was just how it was. I didn't blame my kind for not wanting to share that kind of stuff with many, so no wonder our existence remained mostly hidden. He would think I was crazy and lost my brains.
But somehow my dad had found out about my mother and had been willing to marry her. Maybe he would understand better than I thought? But my situation was different from theirs. I still wasn't sure of the chances, but was that too much to ask of him?
Once at school, Donavon's car was nowhere in sight, so I stood around outside waiting for him. Part of me really wanted to see him, and the other side…well…didn't.
A car pulled up close to me, but it wasn't Donavon's. Kyson got out of the car and eyed me.
"Well, isn't someone looking real good today," he commented with a sly smile.
I turned my face away in annoyance. "Tell that to your girlfriend."
He chuckled a bit. "Oh come on, Avery, can't take a compliment?"
"I would rather eat dog poop than take a compliment from you."
"Oooh burn… And somehow this new scrawny kid has you all wrapped around his fingers."
Burning inside, I simply remained quiet. Thankfully, he moved on. The nerve of that guy! Trying to flirt with me while with someone else and making rude remarks about Donavon. This was nothing new for Kyson, but I guess he would never cease to anger me.
After a few minutes, Donavon finally showed up. I stood and waited for him to approach me. Inside, I wanted to lean into his arms and forget the world, but I couldn't. That freedom wasn't mine. I couldn't really consider him mine. Not until he really accepted me for who I actually was.
"Sorry, I was running a bit behind," he said. "My mom wanted me to lift some heavy stuff around."
"It's okay," I answered, trying to avoid eye contact. "We better hurry to class."
He tried to chat with me on the way, but my mind was too blurred with concern to say much back. Throughout the day, I tried even harder to play off my discontent which I failed miserably under his scrutinizing eyes. What made it worse was during lunch when I could tell he was trying to get closer to me—bringing his arm close enough to touch mine and such. But it just didn't seem right, so I pulled away.
It felt like yanking my heart back into a cold ice bucket, but it just didn't seem fair to lead him on. I had hoped to play it off as if I hadn't noticed, but he clearly knew something was up as his attention declined. It left a dead sunken feeling in my gut.
By the end of the day, the tension built up until only silence remained. He drove me home like all the days before. He didn't get out. I didn't get out. We just sat there.
Looking down, he took a deep breath. I could only imagine what he could be thinking. I could only feel bad for all that I put him through. But we had come this far, and it was too late to turn back now.
Now was my chance. No matter how many times I tried to start, no words came out.
Rather, he started before me. "I'm not sure what to do with you, Avery… I'm getting so many mixed signals, and I feel I'm doing everything wrong. You need to help me out here." He then finally looked over to me. My eyes parted in paralyzed silence.
"Look," he added after I didn't answer. "If you don't want to be with me, then just tell me outright."
I couldn't suspend him longer. The time was now.
"There is something you should know about me." My dry mouth finally found words as my eyes darted around from my feet to the car's dashboard. For just a moment, I glanced into his nervous eyes.
"You're not going to die are you?" His voice came out very edged.
"No," I hurried out. "I mean we are all going to die someday…but…no…it has to do with my mom." That was the roundabout truth, but maybe it would be an easier way to bring things up.
"Oh…good. You gave me a scare for a moment." He then moved into a gentle lean, his soft understanding look glowing towards me. "You can tell me anything, Avery. But you also don't have to," he added.
If that were only true…
"Um well…she…wasn't like others…" This was where I froze…and couldn't go on…
Donavon spoke when I didn't, seemingly trying to help me out. "I know you told me before that you were never abused, but you know that neglect can still be a form of abuse."
His words slammed into my already jumbled emotions. Okay, well maybe bringing up my mother wasn't the best idea. Thoughts of her would still rather not be remembered. It felt even silly how I felt about it. But it reminded me of who I didn't want to be, and for so many years it made me hate myself…and I was supposed to tell Donavon? No way…
I was stuck…extremely stuck. And I didn't see any way out. So what was one to do when stuck? But simply cry…
Once again, I felt ridiculous and humiliated. For some reason, Donavon had the ability to unleash all my inner most treacherous tears. I turned my head towards the window, but I knew that wouldn't hide anything.
Donavon finally spoke. "I'm not sure what your mother was like or how she treated you, but if she couldn't see how amazing you are, then she was clearly a confused woman."
Donavon thought I was crying purely about my mother, but he didn't know the other part…
He softly put his fingers over my wrist and went on. "But the thing is, you're not her and you're not your past… And maybe you have some stuff to work out, and I'm okay with that. I'm here every step for you, but if you're not ready yet, then I just need to know."
Too many thoughts fuzzed through my brain to make any sense of anything, so I simply cried harder. I felt like a silly, dinky baby and here he was being Mr. perfect. There was nothing I could say back, but I didn't want him to think I didn't care, so I leaned my head into his chest.
Immediately responding, he put his arms around me. We sat there in awkward, yet comforting moments. But this wasn't fixing anything. I still hadn't told him. For now, I pushed away reality and drowned in his warm embrace. If only I could stay here forever.
Finally, my crying stopped, and I straightened back.
"I'm sorry, I normally don't cry much," was all I could think to say.
"It's all good. I really don't mind," he smiled at me. "You're kinda cute when you cry. If that's okay to say… I have never had a girlfriend before, so I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. I hope I'm not moving too fast. I know we haven't known each other for long, but somehow it feels like it's been longer."
I simply glanced back. It was true, somehow it felt that much more time had passed. I guess when a lot happens, it can bring you close to someone. But was I truly close with him until he knew my secret?
"Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about?" He asked. "But it's fine if you don't feel like it."
This was another chance to tell him… But why force it? I didn't even know the future. Couldn't things come up naturally, and I could act like a normal person for now? My emotions agreed to this good plan, so I changed the subject to something else I had to face.
"I might be moving to live with my dad."
"Really? How come?"
"My aunt has a boyfriend, and I don't want to be in the way, especially if they got married."
"How do you feel about that?" He asked. But I wish he hadn't.
Surprisingly, I felt like I could cry all over again. What was my problem? Had this bothered me that much? Was it because I feared that it felt like losing a mother again?
"I really don't know… I feel I should be happy for her, and I don't want to be selfish but…" I didn't know how to finish. He smiled at my answer but wasn't sure why.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing... I just like it when you share your thoughts."
"Oh…"
"Anyway," he went on, "you're pretty close to your aunt right? And I know you always will be, but it still changes a lot, so I don't think you're wrong to feel that way. But I admire that you're willing to not let that stop you from thinking of her first. Have you talked to her about it?"
"I don't feel I can."
"Maybe you shouldn't assume that they don't want you around. Whatever you do, just make sure it's for the right reason. And I'm sure your aunt would understand. It would probably be better to tell her than to hold it all inside."
I nodded. "Thanks for listening."
Our eyes gazed at each other for a while. It seemed he wanted to look into my soul and thoroughly understand every deepest place within—kind of intimidating, but also flattering. He seemed to care about me so deeply—something my logic couldn't wrap around.
"I better go," I said to mask the unsettling silence and stepped out of the car.
"So is that a no?" He asked, looking up at me from his seat.
I looked back totally lost. "What?"
"A no…as in no you don't want to not be with me."
"Wait, you're hurting my brain. I think you can figure things out skater boy." I shut the car door and headed for the porch. Looking back, I could see his gleaming smile.
Oh boy, what was I getting myself into? But why not just take a day at a time and enjoy each moment?
Once inside, my aunt greeted me.
"Avery, I think we need to talk about last night."
I took a sunken breath and sat down on the couch. "Okay." Donavon was probably right; I should just spill my guts.
She sat close, facing me with attentive eyes. "Sweetie, just know that there won't be a decision that will be made without you. I know Jeff being around will affect both of us, and I know it would take some getting used to. It's been just us two for all these years, but we will have to work through this together."
"Aunt Lil, when I said I thought Jeff seemed great, I really did mean it."
She nodded and kept intense eye contact. "Jeff and I both decided it was too soon, and he said not to answer for awhile, but he did propose to me today."
"What? This fast?" I sat still, a bit shocked.
"We aren't rushing anything, but he wanted to be clear with his intentions. We are up there in age, after all. I understand if this is a bit overwhelming for you."
"That's…great…really."
"Sweetie, you can be honest." She gently squeezed my arm.
"I have been thinking maybe it would be best to live with my dad," I strained out.
"We already talked about it, and we want you to live with us. You're so important to me, Avery, and nothing could ever change that."
My eyes started to tear, and my aunt hugged me tightly for a moment.
"But, there is something else." I added, pulling away. "You couldn't hide...you know… It would just make things easier if I moved away."
"I already told him."
My mind froze. "You…told him I'm a vampire?"
"Well, not exactly like that, but I did explain everything. As a biologist, he was actually very intrigued.
"Oh…" I sat dazed. Was it really all this easy? Had I complicated everything too much? And I could tell Donavon as well, and all would all turn out alright? There was so much acceptance of me even after all of the disapproval of myself.
"Sweetie, we aren't engaged. We are simply talking about the future."
"No, everything's fine. It's just…I don't know… Maybe I was scared. But I was silly to be. You're the best ever, and I'm just thankful to have you."
"I understand, and it will be different. It will mean change, but nothing has to change between you and me."
I smiled, feeling much lighter.
We chatted for a while about whatever, and I started to feel a lot freer. Donavon was right, it was just better to be open about things and not assume. So…I guess this meant that I really just needed to be open with him now.
Tomorrow… I would tell him this time.
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