The silence as he walks up the apartment stairs is deafening. The heat of Ki Tae’s body still wraps around him and makes his insides tingle. Thinking about it brings a shiver down his spine but the moment he reaches the door, his blood freezes and his chest tightens. What will Dae Won ask? Will Ha Yoon lie and say he simply enjoys the concert? How will he look Dae Won in the eyes after what he did with Ki Tae?
The sound of the key unlocking the door stops his breath.
He peeks into the darkness of the apartment.
Only the shadows greet his return.
Slowly, Ha Yoon closes the door behind him and tiptoes his way in. Dae Won must have gone to sleep already, seeing that he will have an early morning.
Guilt rushes into him.
Dae Won has genuinely worked so hard to get to where they are now so why is Ha Yoon betraying him because he can’t control his dirty desires? It’s not as though Ha Yoon has just developed these feelings. No. He has always looked at Dae Won with lustful eyes. He always wanted to kiss Dae Won, wanted to push him down and make love to him. But of course… of course, perfect Dae Won only looks at him with innocent eyes.
Ha Yoon stops himself from screaming. He throws himself onto his bed, willing the tears not to fall. He’s an adult now. Don’t cry over something so silly. Yeah, that’s right. This isn’t that serious. Just go to sleep and tomorrow, things will return to how they should be.
Except it doesn’t.
Morning comes around and for the first time since they moved in, Ha Yoon wants to leave for work as soon as possible. Seeing Dae Won’s smile only amplifies the guilt inside. He can’t make eye contact, can’t address him with affection like he used to. But Dae Won doesn’t notice the awkwardness around them.
Or maybe, he chooses not to.
“I’m gonna head out,” Ha Yoon gulps down his tea and puts the empty cup on the table.
“Okay! Have a good day!” Dae Won beams but Ha Yoon is already out the door.
He wipes at his eyes as he runs down the stairs. The anxiety growing inside him whispers many horrible words that he can’t understand. What is happening to the dream life they have built? How can it shatter so easily?
Because of Ki Tae. Things started to fall apart the moment I met Ki Tae again.
But the voices in his head continue to question him. Who was Dae Won’s girlfriend? What happened to her? How did Dae Won and Ha Yoon end up together?
Are they even together romantically?
Dae Won is always there to cheer him on, to smile at him. His presence itself brings warmth to Ha Yoon’s heart but Dae Won doesn’t act any different to when they were younger. Encouraging, welcoming, friendly. He has never…
Said “I love you”.
In comparison, Ki Tae makes his feelings clear to Ha Yoon without a doubt. Words, promises, physical touches. He wears his heart on his sleeves and expresses everything in ways that rouses the butterflies in Ha Yoon. If they are together, Ki Tae will unconditionally shower him with love everyday.
Ha Yoon shakes his head. Stop. Stop thinking like this.
But his mind doesn’t stop spiraling into a dark vortex that he doesn’t feel a stranger to. The doubt, the fear, the denial. He’s been there before. A dark pit that he can’t crawl out of.
He pulls out his phone and looks for Ki Tae’s number.
He can’t go on like this. He has to make things clear once and for all.
On a day like this, time flies ever so slowly to the point where he wishes he can ignore all the patients and just run off. But Ha Yoon has promised Dae Won that he will be a good adult and besides, Ki Tae’s break time is still many hours away. There’s no point for him to leave work early and wait for Ki Tae.
After what feels like the most painful eternity, Ha Yoon grabs his coat and high tails for the streets. He finds his way with ease and pushes the glass door open with a chime of the bell. In the quiet atmosphere of the bar, Ki Tae greets him from behind the counter.
“Take a seat in that booth over there. I’ll be right over.”
Ha Yoon does as he is told and finds the private corner booth. In the quiet of the bar, Ha Yoon can hear his heartbeat. Anxiety courses through his veins and blood whistles in his ears. He wants to run away but he can’t. Not anymore. He has to do this.
It doesn’t take long for Ki Tae to join him.
“So,” Ki Tae places two glasses of alcohol on the table, “Something you wanted to talk about?”
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