The waves roll across the ocean like a gentle blanket. With the sun floating high in the sky, the white sand remains warm to the touch. Ha Yoon leans against the tree he is sitting under. His mind is a puddle of twisted knots at the events that fly by him.

“I thought I would break down like I did back then.”

Ki Tae sits next to him in silence.

“It’s still painful. I still can’t accept what happened, what I did. But is it because it’s been so long that I’ve become… numb to it? Hah… are my feelings so shallow that I can just walk away after seeing his picture? After all the stupid illusions I created myself because I was too overwhelmed with guilt?” 

Ha Yoon scoffs at the thought.

He’s truly fucked up.

“If I didn’t even hesitate to kill him… do I really love him?”

Ki Tae doesn’t say anything.

“Or is it all just some fucked up obsession that I clouded myself in?”

This time, Ha Yoon turns his attention to Ki Tae.

“Aren’t you the same?”

Startled by the question, Ki Tae asks, “What?”

“You,” Ha Yoon jabs a finger at Ki Tae, “You’re so obsessed with me that you’re the one who suggested… to kill him.”

At the words trailing off, Ki Tae bites his lip and returns his gaze to the sea. “Yeah. And I’m still obsessed with you. Even after accepting that he’s gone, I still want to lock you up, to keep you by my side forever and never let you go.”

Ha Yoon watches the light gleaming around Ki Tae’s shadowed figure. Dark hair flutters in the breeze. Among the bright atmosphere of the seaside, Ki Tae’s dark demeanor stands out just like how he always has been. Quiet and in the background.

“I’ve never once lied to you, Ha Yoon. Even if you still love him, or if you end up finding someone else, as long as you’re happy, I’m willing to do anything. Maybe I’m fucked up in the head. Maybe I haven’t grown up at all. But I…”

Ki Tae’s voice falters.

“I’ll always love you.”

The trees rustle in the wind. Seagulls cry across the ocean.

Ha Yoon doesn’t understand the dull throb in his heart. Shouldn’t he be depressed or angry at the truth? Why is Ki Tae confessing his love to him?

Ah.

Because Ki Tae is always telling the truth.

So can Ha Yoon also tell the truth? Live a life that isn’t filled with lies.

“Ki Tae, I don’t think I can answer your feelings now. I’m still… I still can’t get over the fact that I… killed Dae Won. Five long years, I told myself that everything is alright, lied to myself that he’s with me. I lived his dreams. Get a boring job, move into an apartment, and be a good adult in society. But I didn’t live my own life. How do I… move on from this?”

Ha Yoon can’t stop the pathetic chuckle from escaping his lips.

“I know your feelings, always did. But I… I was too scared to consider it, thinking that if I chose you, I would lose Dae Won. Hah, how would I know I would lose him no matter what?”

Ha Yoon reaches out for Ki Tae’s cold hand.

“Thank you Ki Tae, for always being by my side. I have a lot to work on myself… but I hope that one day, I can be honest with myself. Then only, I can be truly honest with you.”

Ki Tae squeezes the hand in his. “I know. I’ll wait for you. Five years, ten years, however long you need, I will always be by your side.”

With the rolling waves in the background, Ha Yoon is mesmerized by Ki Tae’s gentle smile under the shadows. A little upturn of the lips, clear gleaming eyes that only look at him. All these years, Ki Tae has been watching him from a step behind. Perhaps, today is the first time Ha Yoon properly looks back.

-

-

-

Three days after Ha Yoon came out to them, Dae Won called for Ki Tae behind the school, a cigarette hanging on his lips.

“What?” Ki Tae asked in a curt tone.

“About Ha Yoon…” Dae Won muttered, “Her… I mean his gender identity.”

“You got a problem with it?” Ki Tae’s brows furrowed and he was ready to fight. Fuck their friendship. If Dae Won so much as utter one bad thing, he would sock him in the face.

“Kinda, I’m in a bit of a pickle.” Dae Won sighed. “Like, how should I go about this?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Spit it.”

“I guess now we should treat him like a guy, right?” Dae Won said. “Regardless of how he looks, he’s a guy.”

“Is that too difficult for your tiny brain to understand?” Ki Tae mocked.

Dae Won shook his head in dismay, “Ha Yoon. I like him.”

The sudden confession froze Ki Tae. Was he hearing things? Was he dreaming? Maybe he should punch Dae Won just to check if this was real.

“I’ve always liked him.” Dae Won sighed in exasperation, “I was gonna confess my feelings but… I didn’t want things to be awkward between us. I mean… if he’s a guy… he wouldn’t have feelings for me, right?”

Idiot. A fucking idiot. That’s what Dae Won was. Ki Tae felt the hair on his back rose in what could only be anger and contempt. How oblivious could he be to Ha Yoon’s feelings? But worse than that was the fact that Dae Won had the same feelings towards Ha Yoon. If Ki Tae spelled it out for him, would they end up together? Would they understand that their feelings were mutual? Would they be happy?

…

And would Ki Tae be happy with it?

“So do you still like him now that he’s come out as a transguy?” Ki Tae almost spat out the words.

“He’s built up such a huge courage to tell us. I’m sure it’s a big deal for him.” Dae Won continued without noticing Ki Tae’s dark expression. “I don’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position where he thinks I like him because he was… a girl. Look, he’s still Ha Yoon and I like him for who he is. But what if he’s… y’know straight? That he’s a transguy who likes girls?”

Dae Won took another drag of the cigarette.

“Unlike him, I’m not that brave. I don’t have the courage to risk our friendship. As long as he’s happy being himself, I’m fine with never showing my feelings to the lights of day.”

Ki Tae studied Dae Won’s downcast eyes. Then he squared up his shoulders and said, “If you want to continue living with your tail between your legs, it’s not my problem. But don’t you dare hurt Ha Yoon. Don’t you dare make him cry.”

Dae Won chuckled. “That’s a silly request.”

“It’s not a request, it’s a warning.” Ki Tae grabbed Dae Won by the collar, “If he ever cries because of you, I won’t hesitate to kill you.”

Dae Won stared at Ki Tae’s piercing glare. Then his surprised expression slowly softened to one of realization. “You like him, don’t you?”

Ki Tae kept eye contact for a moment before shoving Dae Won off. “Yeah. But unlike you, I’m not a coward. I won’t lie to him. I’ll make him happy no matter what. If I have to turn the world upside down, I will do so without question.”

Dae Won burst out laughing. And as he wiped the tear off, he grinned, “The Mad Dog and the Most Dangerous Ex-Female Delinquent. You two would make such a fucked up couple.”