NIALL

Aiden Peterson.

Deceased.

The day my fiancé died a part of me died too.

It was just a normal day.

But in that one split second everything changed.

And now here I was a year later.

No longer engaged.

No longer looking forward to the future.

Instead, I was going to counseling meetings for people who had lost a family member or spouse.

I was forced to sit in a circle and talk about my feelings as if I even had a clue what I was feeling.

They say time heals.

But to be honest it still felt as fresh as the day it happened.

I could just close my eyes, and I’d be there.

That day.

I was meeting my sister, Bailey Raymond, for coffee.

My family is great. They’re loving and kind and have always been my greatest cheerleaders.

Especially during the times when my life was so different.

Like when I was fresh out of college.

I felt like I could take on the world.

I’d just met the love of my life and everything felt... amazing.

Sorry, I keep thinking back.

I do that a lot these days.

I think about the time that was before that horrible day.

Sometimes I wish I could be there again.

As if I could just reverse time or even just live inside my memories with him.

It’s so strange when you meet the person you were meant to be with.

You survived on your own for years without them. I mean to be fair, you didn’t know they existed.

But the moment you meet them and fall in love...

That moment something changes.

Suddenly you’re not just a person who’s living.

Suddenly you’re a person who’s living because of them.

You start relying on them being there in your life.

They become your new normal.

And the moment they’re snatched away from you there’s just this big hole.

Emptiness.

I always hated puzzles because of that.

Because I always lost a piece.

And the puzzle is useless without that piece.

That’s how it felt.

But yeah, I was sitting at the coffee shop with my sister. She was holding my hand. Begging me.

“Please, Niall,” Bailey said. “We’re worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” I said and pulled my hand away. “I’m just...Tired.”

“It’s because you’re depressed, Niall,” she said. “If you move in with ma and pa then maybe...”

“No!” I said. “I like living on my own, Bailey.”

I shook my head.

“I don’t want to be a burden to someone else.”

“You’re not a burden!” She said. “We love you. We want to be there for you.”

“I appreciate the gesture but honestly, I’m fine. I don’t need to be babysat by my parents.”

“Just think about it,” she said biting her lip.

I nodded not meeting her eyes.

“Okay. I will.”

After a pause, she said.

“Have you still been going to therapy?”

I nodded.

“Good,” Bailey said. “It’ll... It’ll get better.”

I looked down at the table focusing really hard.

I didn’t want to cry.

I was trying to keep my tears from falling onto the table.

I sniffled and looked out the window at the cars driving by.

“Yeah.”

TRENT

I walked through the Graves finding my way to hers. Flowers held tightly in my hand.

This has become such a familiar place for me. But still every time it fills me with dread.

My name’s Trent Gardner.

I’m a tall man with a broad build. I have short, dark hair and a well-groomed beard. Warm brown eyes and a friendly smile.

I’m an empathetic, patient and compassionate person. I have a natural ability to connect with others and I make a great listener.

I’m also very resilient, having overcome my own addiction and personal loss.

I found her grave and knelt down and placed the flowers on top of it.

“Hi, baby. I missed you.”

I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. I struggled with an alcohol addiction but have been sober for three years now. I lost my fiancée in a car accident four years ago and spiralled into a horrible depression.

I’m starting to make peace with her death now though it’s been hard.

I smile.

“You’ll never believe what happened this week…”

But one good thing happened.

Because of my own journey, I became a peer counsellor to help others who are struggling with addiction and grief too.

“…Do you remember that camping trip we went on last? Man, that was a good trip. You got so scared when…”

I enjoy spending time outdoors, hiking and camping. I also love to read and I’m a big fan of science fiction novels.

“…yeah, would’ve been great to celebrate your birthday today…”

Right now I just want to continue helping others overcome their addiction and promote mental health awareness.

“…your mom still calls me sometimes…”

I want to further my education in counseling to become a licensed professional counselor and be able to make a bigger impact in helping those in need.

“…she always did like me, didn’t she? It used to make you so jealous…”

I also hope to continue to find peace and healing in my own life.

“I’ll come visit soon…”

I sighed.

“I miss you.”

I noticed a man standing further away at another grave.

He was crying.

I watched him leave after putting the down flowers on the grave.

When I was done, I walked over to that grave and read what stood on the gravestone.

Aiden Peterson.

I looked at it for a while thinking about that man.

It's hard to lose someone you love.

I wonder who he was to him?

Then I too walked away towards my car.

Leaving this place until next week.

When I’d think back again to a time that passed too soon.

NIALL

Days rolled into each other and still every day I thought of him.

My therapist thought it would be good for me to join a counselling group. It would be run by a peer-counsellor who will be acting as a mentor for the rest of us.

I didn't want to go at first. Then I made the mistake of telling my sister about it.

And of course she wanted me to go.

So I ended up going.

Walking into the room I glanced at all the other people there.

They didn't seem fazed with me in the slightest.

I wondered what was their stories.

But I knew soon I'd get my answer.

We waited awkwardly for our peer-counsellor to show up.

When he finally did I took in a deep breath.

Why did he look familiar?

Like I've seen him somewhere.

Maybe I was imagining things.

I can't recall every meeting a guy like him.

He was quite handsome.

He was a bit taller than me. He seemed to hide muscles under his long sleeved shirt. But two things that stood out the most were those warm bright eyes of his and that killer smile.

He had a nice voice too.

Very gentle.

I could listen to him talk the whole day.

I watched his movements, took in every sound his voice made.

He was magnetizing in some way.

I don't know why.

When it was my time to share with the group, I hesitated. I wanted to ask him if he could skip me. Either that or just sink into the floor and disappear.

Fat chance of that happening.

But he was really kind and encouraged me gently.

Having him be so nice to me and look at me with those eyes, I couldn't help myself.

I knew I was attracted to him. It was very obvious by the reaction my body had.

So I shared about my fiancé.

About his death.

It was kind of strange but there was something that stuck out.

When he noticed me the first time when entering the room and sitting down, he had this look on his face.

As if he recognized me too.

Perhaps I did meet him somewhere.

Or maybe we dreamed about each other.

That would be quite the story.

I felt myself feel the guilt wash over me.

What the hell was I doing?

Crushing on my counsellor when my fiancé...

No, I had to get a grip of myself.

I was here to heal.

Not to date.

Never again.

I promised him.

I decided there and then that I would keep my distance from this man. Yes, he made me feel things I thought I'd never feel again. I was definitely attracted to him.

But these feelings were wrong.

How dare I feel this way right now.

Suddenly I felt mad at myself.

Mad at myself for giving in to stupid feelings that I shouldn't even be having.

Before we had to leave, I heard him call my name.

"It was nice meeting you, Niall," he said.

Even hearing my name in his mouth, roll off his tongue.

God, why did that make me feel so many things?

"You too," I said wanting to run away from him and go crawl under my sheets at home.

"Well, I wish you a great week."

And then he flashed that perfect smile at me.

"Yeah, you... too," I said trying to catch my breath again.

This was really wrong.

I needed to stop.

"I'll see you next week," he said.

No, no, no!

You can't be feeling this way.

"See you," I said before rushing out of the room.

I might have said I'd be here again next week, but I knew I was lying.

I was never coming back.

I couldn't.

It was too dangerous.

Whatever I was feeling...

I couldn't allow myself to feel.

NIALL

One day my sister came over. Immediately she opened the curtains, started tidying up, and chastised me for not spending my time better.

I knew she meant it well. She was worried about me. My whole family was. But I was fine. I was just dealing with the grief. It made me not want to do anything for myself or even take care of myself. But that didn’t mean I was falling apart. I just needed more time.

But still my sister forced me to go running with her around my neighbourhood.

I got dressed begrudgingly and joined her out front after locking up.

She started running immediately like the energetic bunny she was and I barely kept up with her after groaning and joining her.

Then at one point I said fuck it and stopped running. I started walking instead, my sister long gone in front of me.

I was looking around the neighbourhood when suddenly I bumped into someone.

“I’m so sorry,” the person said.

“No it’s my...”

Then I faltered.

“...fault,” I said.

“Niall, right?” He said. “From the counselling group?”

It was him.

The counsellor that ran that group the other day.

I felt dread fill my body.

Great, I had to bump into him of all people.

“Hi,” I said trying to hide my misery.

“We missed you at this week’s session,” he said. “Will you be there next week?”

“Uh,” I said but we were interrupted by my sister who came jogging up to us.

“Niall, why aren’t you running?” She said but then she noticed I was talking to someone.

“Oh,” she said. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were talking to someone.”

“Hi,” Trent said to my sister. “I’m Trent Gardner.”

She took his hand.

“Bailey,” she said. “I’m Niall’s sister. And you are?”

He was about to answer when I interrupted him.

“A friend!” I said. “He’s... a friend.”

He looked at me surprised.

“Just a friend?” She asked with a smirk.

“Bailey, shut up,” I said then turned to him.

“It was nice seeing you again,” I said. “But we should go.”

“Oh, why?” Bailey said. “We just got here...”

“Let’s go,” I said. “Now.”

“Well, bye then,” Trent said.

“Okay, well, it was nice meeting you,” Bailey said to him while I pulled her by her arm.

“Why were you so in a hurry to get away from him?” She asked.

“Because you’re not supposed to meet him,” I mumbled.

“What? But why?” She said then gasped. “No! You’re dating him?”

“What? I mean, I...”

“I knew it! I saw the way he looked at you.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Oh, don’t try to play dumb. You guys like each other. So are you dating? Are you?”

I really just wanted her to stop pestering me so I blurted out,

“Yeah, we’re dating! Happy now?”

“No way!” she said. “That’s amazing, Niall! I’m so happy for you. How long have you been seeing each other?”

“For... a month,” I said.

“You’ve been seeing him for a month and you haven’t told me!” she said shocked. “Who are you and what did you do to my brother?”

“It’s not a big deal,” I said and sighed.

“Of course, it’s a bid deal!” she said. “Mom and dad will be so happy.”

“No!” I said. “Don’t tell mom and dad yet.”

“But why...”

“I want to do it myself,” I said. “When I’m ready.”

“Okay,” she said. “I still can’t believe this!”

“You and me both,” I mumbled under my breath as we reached my house.

NIALL

But things got even more complicated.

Because my sister didn’t listen to me and told my mom and dad about my “news” and my mom immediately went and told my whole family and all of her friends.

I found this all out when I got a call from my mom all excited and happy about my new boyfriend.

To make it worse, now I had to pay up and have them all meet him.

I was about to confess to my mom that it was all a misunderstanding and that I was simply joking with my sister, prepared to take the massive L in front of all my family and mom’s friends, when I suddenly realized something.

My parents and sister have been so worried about me lately. My sister kept showing up at my place trying to convince me to go out to places.

Besides my sister and my parents wanted me to move in with my parents.

And the last thing I wanted was to give up my freedom.

And if I could convince them that I didn’t need them babysitting me the whole time, that I was fine and didn’t need any help, then maybe they’d leave me alone finally.

And what better way than to have a boyfriend?

So I knew what I had to do.

I had to go to another meeting.

I’d told myself I wouldn’t go back there again.

But I had no choice.

I needed to talk to Trent.

He seemed happy to see me back.

After the session I lingered behind waiting for a chance to talk to him.

“Oh, hi, Niall,” he said when he noticed me standing behind him. “I’m glad you could make it this time.”

“Yeah,” I said then took a deep breath. “I kind of need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” he said. “Sure.”

“You remember my sister?” I asked.

“Yeah, I remember,” he said. “Is she doing alright?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She’s fine. But... something kind of happened after you met her.”

And so I confessed everything. About the conversation I had with my sister. About my parents finding out. About everyone being excited to meet him.

“I know it was stupid having her believe that,” I said. “But I didn’t realize it was gonna blow up like this.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” he said. “Let me just get things clear. Your family thinks you’re dating me?”

“Yeah,” I said with a sheepish look.

“Well, can’t you tell them it was a big misunderstanding?”

“I can’t do that,” I said. “You see, I... after I lost my fiancé they’ve been worried about me. My parents want me to move in with them because they don’t want me living alone.”

I sighed.

“If I don’t get them to believe this they’ll just get more worried about me. Especially if they find out the truth.”

“So what do you want me to do?” He asked I guess realizing there was something more I wanted to tell him.

“I was hoping... you could help me.”

“How?”

“By pretending that it’s true,” I said not able to meet his eyes.

“You do realize what you’re asking me is insane?” He said.

“I know, and I’m really sorry!” I said. “I just don’t know what else to do.”

He sighed and pulled a hand through his hair.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you! Thank you so much!”

“It’s fine,” he said. “So what do you need me to do?”