Recently I have found I am a dog, a puppy, a pet. Perhaps a doll. I find that people think I can't understand them, they spell out how they think of me in front of me, and those who don't, they look at me as if I'm this adorable little thing that can do no wrong, as if I'm not human, as if I was made for them to play with and dress up. And whenever I show emotion, there is no sincere concern, just pity, I'm just a pup that got its tail stepped on. 

One of my friends has given me the nickname "lavvi" because my hair and personality reminds them of lavender. I don't mind it but I really wish they'd just call me Elias, beetle, or mage. But it makes sense with the person the rest of our friends picture me as. Elias B. H. Is a flower. This fragile thing, this delicate, artsy, effeminate boy who does no wrong. I don't want to be sweet, I dont wanna be fragile. Elias B. H. isn't a flower, he's a wasp, he has feelings, if you mess with him you get stung, and he doesn't want you assuming he's writing of gentle breezes and ponds when he says he writes poetry. 

I've been listening to music when i feel the emptiness, its always one with phantasmagoric (dream-like) instrumentals. Its been mainly "space song" by beach house, "pictures of your pets" by ngdr, and "my boy" by car seat headrest. It helps for when its one of the worse days, to feel surreal, to feel like nothing is necessarily supposed to feel real. Its weird, reality is weird.