now i only have one friend, and she is not here a lot. currently i am sitting alone in the cafeteria. i have been kind of hurting myself and skipping meals. I just cant lose weight its so damn annoying. my parent got me a thereapist but like i dont wanna tell my life problems to an ancient child thereapist. I doubt she even knows what self harm is. my dad has been getting angry a lot and everyone i know has been fat shaming me even if they dont know it. I have been drawing a lot latley. it helps distract my mind. one of the lines i made on myself gave out a lot of red paint. i dont even know what to do anymore. i want to fall asleep and not wake up. i almost (I DIDNT I SWEAR) tried to overdose if my parents hand been there. i swear to god i just want to fade away. i have been considering being non binary but i doubt my parents would understand. my mom said that if i was trans she would support me but i always would be her "Little _________". i have been spending a lot of time on screens to distract myself. i just want to die in my sleep. no. i want to die outside in poverty cold and starving and in my sleep my heart loses energy to beat. i want to have had my first kiss and i want to be in pain. i want to die. i dont care when or how i just want to. i need to. it would make a lot of peoples lives easier and mine. my parents would be sad but after a year or so, everyone would get over it. i am writing a book on tapas.com called No Homo(PHOBES) pretty much my thoughts. i am alone in this world and i am happy that way. I want people to stop pretending to care about me. its just another person to dissapoint. i have a sleepaway camp this summer and i will hopefully find my first kiss hopefully. i just hope i dont live until then. i am not going to kill myself dont worrry. i dont have the willpower for it. so yeh. thats a life update lol.