HoT/DoT = Heal over Time / Damage over Time = Most attacks or heals just happen when you cast the spell or hit something with your weapon. But some things also have the ability to do healing or damage over time. Like if you cut someone and they start bleeding, or when someone breaks your heart and the pain keeps coming… Those things, they’re DoTs.

The drive home is filled with Mom trying to get more information out of me. Though I don’t have much to offer... Not much more than what she already guessed at anyway.

I send Troy a message, letting him know that I’ll be back online in not too long. This morning I told him I’d do another dungeon run with him when I came back home. We’re levelling a new class each, trying to complete maximum level on all classes. We normally play too much on our main and on our secondary classes, so the others kind of fall by the wayside. But now we have all the time to get back to this, with it being summer break and all.

‘How did the date go?’ Troy’s response is kind of expected.

‘Was fun. Movie was cool and we had pizza.’ I’m not giving him extras so easily.

‘Boooring. What happened? Did something interesting happen? Did you kiss her yet?’

I nearly choke on my own spit and break out into a coughing fit. Did he have to ask it like that? From the corner of my eyes I can see Mom look my way for a moment. “I’m fine.” I shake my head. Physically maybe, mentally is a whole different thing.

‘Well?’ The guy is insistent.

‘No. I didn’t kiss her. Get your mind out of the gutter.’

‘I thought that that was the whole goal of today... Boring!’ He sends a couple of frowning emoticons with it.

‘It’s a date. I didn’t go for a makeout session.’

‘Pfff. Why wouldn’t you?’

‘Because she’s never dated a girl before.’ The moment I type the words, I realise how important they are is.

Fleur has never dated a girl before. I have, a couple of times, but she hasn’t. And apart from the physical differences between boys and girls... Hey, I’ve seen and play fought with Troy nearly naked often enough to know there is a difference between the two. At least, when it comes to certain areas...

My cheeks already heat up when I think exactly of where those areas are and especially how I’d like to touch Fleur’s ones...

‘Ah.’ It’s just a single word, a short reply, but I know that he’s got his own thoughts about these types of things.

‘What?’

‘Nothing. Just that you’re not making it easy on yourself, or on us.’

‘Why?’

‘She’s never dated a girl before. Her healing style fits your tanking perfectly. What if she freaks out? What if she runs away? Then what? How long will it take for you to find a new healer for the guild?’ He might sound like an ass, but he’s right. I may want to date Fleur, but she’s also part of our guild, a guild who also love to have her with them, and if I mess this up… it’s not just me who will lose her. What will happen? Will I scare her off?

I put the phone away. Those are questions I do not want to think about. I know this. I already thought about these things. And I have no answer to them. I have no answer to any of those questions.

Because he’s right.

I bump my head against the window and look outside, at the fields passing us by. I know I’m not just ruining one friendship if this goes bad. No matter how much I’d want this, her inexperience with girls means that it could go wrong very easily.

And is that worth it? Is that worth giving up something that could be a great friendship?

Ugh.

***

I sit down in front of the computer, putting my headset on, but not going into the main group chat server. Instead, I check if Fleur is online yet, and when she’s still offline, I set up a private chat with Troy. All the fun things going through my head have slowed down now, come to a halt, as I need to reconsider what’s going on.

I’ve already sent Fleur a couple of messages, nothing of consequence, just a few funny pics and emoticons, but she’s not replied yet, which doesn’t make me feel any better either.

“Hey, lovebug.” Troy’s voice is upbeat and makes me flinch for a moment.

“Hmm.” I boot Destruction of Elysium. “Can we go to the dungeon?

Troy’s quiet for a moment, but then he lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry for what I said before. I really am. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No. You were right.” AlexTheDestroyer spawns in the guild house, and Troy’s character, PathTroying, is right next to me. “It’s not like we don’t know how this will end in the long run anyway.” I click to put us in one party, my throat closing up.

“We don’t know that.” Troy declines the party invite.

“Hey! I thought we were going to play.” My voice is going a little weird now.

“I thought so too. But you can’t play like that. You can’t play when you’re in this state of mind.” He sounds so serious. “I really didn’t mean anything bad by what I said before. I was just worried. And we don’t know how everything will work out. You can’t get down like this over something stupid I said.”

I make a sound. “She said that she thought she may like me.” Why am I repeating those words? Especially when they’re so fragile that I know they could break at any moment?

“That’s good, right?”

I shake my head. “I really like her. Like, really really. And she may like me.”

“Were you the first one to confess?”

“No. She did. She was the one who said it first.”

“That’s a good sign, right?”

I lick my lips, they’ve gone dry, and it doesn’t help the sinking feeling in my stomach. “Doesn’t have to be.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t say anything else, because he knows exactly what I’m talking about.

I log out of Destruction of Elysium, and instead climb into bed, still wearing my headset, still being able to talk to Troy. He’s the only one who really knows what happened before, what happened when I started dating another girl who had never been into girls before...

I met her at school, we shared some classes. We quickly became friends. We were young, I must have been thirteen or something, she probably was the same age. I’d never been very confused about who I liked, I’d realised early on that I liked girls over boys. That had never been much of a confusion for me.

Even my parents had been totally accepting, when I’d told them, about a year earlier, they’d just shrugged, like I’d told them something that did not really need explaining. Though, my mom did sit me down not long after, to explain that liking girls, being a lesbian, came with dangers. Dangers from society as a whole not accepting me, or who I loved, and that there would be guys out there who would not be deterred by my sexuality, but that they would see it as a challenge, who would try to force themselves onto me to make me ‘change my ways’.

She didn’t really word it like that, I was twelve, she used slightly different words. But it came down to the same thing... There was nothing wrong with me liking girls, but not everyone thought about that the same way. There were people who wouldn’t agree with me being able to choose who I loved, at least if the person that I loved wasn’t a boy, simply for my gender.

Not long after that, I started dating my first girlfriend, she was two years older, and she was so cool. I thought anyway, at the time. She was nice and sweet, and she taught me about kissing, and opening someone else’s bra in under three seconds. A skill I have made many girls laugh with later on, or squeal, usually squeal first before laughing. We loved teasing and joking around together, but what we felt wasn’t love, we were just good friends who tried dating for a bit. She’s been dating the same girl for two years now, they’re even living together while they’re going to college. It’s so sweet.

But the girl in question, the first girl I dated who hadn’t been interested in girls before... She was different. We’d become friends so easily, and she was very curious about my liking girls. There was something to her, something I couldn’t resist. We’d meet up in secret, meet after class or on the weekends, things like that. Troy knew, of course, but nobody else was allowed to know, not even my parents, though I expect that they quickly figured it out too.

Those short weeks changed me in many ways, but, above all, they taught me the one thing my mom couldn’t warn me for. Some girls like the idea of dating another girl, but they don’t actually want anything else. They may be curious for a while, but then will push you away like you’re the biggest piece of trash in the world. That’s what she was like.

She liked the idea of having a girl fall in love with her, and kissing and holding hands were perfectly fine with her, but only where other people couldn’t see it. Every time I asked her for even a little more, she’d refuse. She used the excuse of Troy finding out about our relationship to break up with me. Telling me that she only put up with me because I’d seemed so pathetic, that she really wasn’t into girls. That I’d been imagining things.

That was... the hardest thing in the world. Her going off on me like that, in public even, right in the hallway during the lunch break. It was a life-defining moment for me, mostly in that I vowed to never date girls who didn’t know if they were actually into girls again. Because those words just hurt so much. I don’t want to be some toy or ‘fun experiment’ for another girl ever again. I don’t care if a girl only has experience with boys, I’ve dated girls like that too, but I do care if they have genuine interest in me as a person, not just my sexuality.

Lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, heck, I’ve dated an asexual girl before, though she was biromantic, so we had great fun. I really don’t care about all of that, I just care that they see me as a real human being, not just some experiment.

I’m sure that Fleur isn’t like that. She seems genuinely interested in me, but she also first fell in love with Alex-the-boy before she knew who I really was. So how much of her interest is still her projecting her previous feelings onto me?

I take my phone. She still hasn’t replied. ‘I’m off to bed. Exhausted. Night night!’ I add a couple of sleeping emoticons to it and then sit up.

“Alex?” Troy’s voice surprises me.

“Yeah?” The word barely leaves me.

“It will be fine. I promise.” He can be so caring, even when he’s a blockhead sometimes.

“Thanks. I’m gonna sleep now.” I get behind the computer so I can turn it off.

“If you need to talk, or whatever. You can always message me.”

“Thanks. Will do.” I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m exhausted in so many ways that I really don’t even want to think anymore.

“Night.”

“Night.” I turn off the program and then shut down the computer.

I climb into bed, pull the covers over myself, even though it’s really too hot for that. And then I close my eyes, hoping sleep will take me away soon, will take me out of this world soon.