“You should both be ashamed of yourselves,” the tall woman with the severe bun growled, pointing at Emi and Haia sitting uncomfortably on the plush leather sofa in her office, most of the milk they were drenched in had dried in rivulets on their face, hair and clothes. “This is outrageous! This has never happened in the history of this school! Fighting! Unconscionable!” The woman sighed deeply and closed her eyes as if to calm herself. “What have you to say in your defense?”

“This person is a racist, bigoted, xenophobic twit who deserves to be beaten about the head and neck because thou shalt not suffer a bully to go unpunished,” Emi snarled before turning to the taller girl beside her. “She’s also too tall and smells like bee vomit.”

“You insufferable little gremlin!” the taller girl gaped at her. “You were the one who started this whole thing! I was minding my own business when you came up and…accosted me!”

“Oh, please! We both know you were picking on that girl because you’re a racist piece of monkey crap,” Emi scoffed with a wave of her hand. “Maybe you think punching down on people you believe are weaker than you will help you better swallow your own self-loathing but here’s a tip for you, yeti, it only makes you a jackhole.”

“How dare you call me that, you shrimp chunibyo wretch!” The girl jumped to her feet angrily, fists clenched at her side.

“I’ll call you whatever I want you yeti troll peasant!” Emi jumped to her feet, fists similarly clenched and stared up at the girl in challenge.

“How dare you!” The girl gasped in horror. “I will beat you until you can’t move!”

“Bring it, fat ass!” Emi roared in challenge.

“That is enough!” the principal snapped. “Sit down! Both of you!” The two reluctantly returned to the sofa, neither taking their eyes off the other. “Young ladies do not behave like this!”

“She is no lady!” The tall girl scoffed.

“At least I’m not a social parasite with expensive underwear like you,” Emi smirked infuriatingly at her. Immediately both girls got to their feet again.

“Say that to my face!” The tall girl howled. “I dare you to say that to my face!”

“I just did, you worthless paramecium!” Emi yelled back furiously.

“That is enough!” The principal screamed, standing up as well and pointing her finger at both girls in time. “If this continues, I will expel you both!” Emi briefly considered pushing her luck to find out if she could be expelled, but figured Yoko would most likely send her to Tanzania or something and while Emi had never been, she was relatively certain she didn’t want to go somewhere she couldn’t find easily on a map. Reluctantly she sat back onto the sofa.

“Haia, tell me, in your words, what happened,” the principal sat back down herself and rubbed her hand across her brow, trying to work the stress out.

“I was minding my own business at lunch and suddenly this…person…comes up to me and starts yelling about milk. I was so confused. Then she tried to grab the milk out of my hand, and I don’t want to waste precious school resources, so we tussled, and it went everywhere!” The tall girl nearly sobbed dramatically.

“Ha! You lying cretin!” Emi laughed mirthlessly. “You should get an award for most uselessly self-serving story by a yeti in a supporting role.”

“Stop calling me a yeti!” The girl yelled, once again standing.

“I will when you stop being unnaturally tall and lying through your artificially white teeth!” Emi was back on her feet again immediately.

“Both of you sit the hell down right this instant!” The principal stood again, desperately wanting to throw something at the two but controlling herself through sheer force of will. Once more the pair sat, glowering at each other. “Thank you! Plainly you disagree with Haia’s version of events Ms. Seto. Let’s hear yours.”

“S-Seto?” The girl shot Emi a look of bewilderment before regaining her composure.

“Ah, you’ve heard of my family, I see,” Emi glared at the taller girl. “I assure you the rumors of Yakuza are just that. Probably.” Both Haia and the principal blanched slightly. “Anyway! Everything she said through ‘I was’ is true. Everything after is a damn dirty lie. She was calling the girl sitting by herself doing nothing wrong a dog and taunting her. She raised the carton of milk; I can only assume by her demeanor, to pour it on the poor girl, and I intervened. I very politely complimented her choice of stockings and then told her to leave the girl alone. She declined and began to call me names and so…words were exchanged which got heated, resulting in a battle royale over the milk which then spewed all over both of us.”

“Did you threaten to kick her so hard her labia would… ‘lodge in your throat cutting down the options and thought necessary for your Neanderthal boyfriend when you… boink’?” The principal glanced down at the paper submitted by the teacher of duty with dismay.

“I don’t even have a boyfriend, ma’am!” the girl protested innocently.

“Sorry, boyfriend was uncalled-for. I should have said ‘client’. My apologies,” Emi bowed her head slightly in apology.

“How dare you!” Haia gasped in horror.

“Oh, please! Everyone knows even the local wildlife hang around outside your dorm waiting for ‘visiting hours,’” Emi scoffed at the girl.

“That is enough, Ms. Seto! I have had my fill of your snark and attitude! Be nice and answer the question or you will find yourself explaining to your family how you were suspended!” The principal snarled, feeling her hair greying more and more quickly by the second.

“Ok, ok,” Emi sighed. “To answer your question; no, ma’am. I threatened to kick her so hard her pu- “

“T-That’s fine! It’s fine! Let’s not get into specifics, let’s stick with generalities,” the principal shushed Emi quickly. The woman closed her eyes for a moment to control her horror at having to deal with this sort of thing at all, before sighing deeply once more and rendering her judgment.

“This is not the first time we’ve had discussions along these lines, Haia,” the principal fixed the tall girl with a stern gaze. “You do not have the right to make other students’ school experience uncomfortable. Your story does not line up to eyewitness and teacher accounts. I do not care to be lied to. Consider yourself on probation. I expect a letter of apology on my desk tomorrow morning. Another disruption and you will be suspended for two weeks. Are we clear?” Haia opened her mouth to protest before finally nodding mutely.

“And Emi,” the principal sighed even deeper and rubbed her temples to relieve the stress., “Your honesty is commendable. Teachers and eyewitness accounts bear out your story, even the more unsavory aspects. I just wish I knew why. Why do you say the things you say? Standing up for Suyin was an honorable thing to do, but the things you said are…don’t do that again. I expect a letter of apology on my desk tomorrow morning as well.”

“Do I have to mean it?” Emi asked.

“Of course!” The principal gaped at her.

“Ah, well. Ok, I’ll try to find a heretofore untapped well of repentance and draw from that, I guess,” Emi groused with a shrug. The principal wanted to say something. Anything. Nothing presented itself, however, so she just hung her head in surrender.

“You’re both dismissed and excused for the rest of the day to wash the milk out of your clothes and off your hair and skin,” she finally finished, waving her hand dismissively. The pair left and closed the door behind them. It was only the first week and she already needed a vacation. “I need a drink or ten,” she mumbled, shaking her head slowly from side to side in disbelief. “I swear if her mother wasn’t mega rich I’d…” the young girl’s mention of the Yakuza caused her frown to deepen. “Surely not.” Right? Well, best to watch myself just in case, she reasoned. Better to play it safe than wake up missing fingers.