Emilia

“And then we went out for ice cream!” She smiles wide, her energy still high even as her little eyes show she’s ready for sleep.

“I thought you went to get milkshakes?”

“We did. A shake is just like ice cream, mama, don’t you know that?”

I can’t help but laugh, peering over at Mallory, who’s smiling at us from where she lies on her bed. Being the good guy he is, Lucas brought a milkshake home for her so she didn’t feel left out.

“Well, I do now.” I lean in to kiss her cheek, then stand and tuck the blanket around her.

“Mama?”

“Yes, Ally Baby.”

“Did you know Uncle Lucas had a job like daddy’s?” I must look confused, for she rushes on to explain. “He went away for a long time for his work, too. It’s why he didn’t have any kids, cause he didn’t want to leave them. But now he came back for us. For you, me, Mally, and Aunt Jen. Because he’s ready and wants us to be his family.”

Her words send shards of ice shooting through my veins. The thought he would talk to my daughter about the situation with her father behind my back plunges my stomach into a tailspin. Forcing a smile, I kiss her little head before turning to do the same to Mally, who yawns quietly.

“Okay, my babies. Night night. I’ll see you both in the morning.”

When I close their bedroom door, anger slams into me with all the pent-up fury I’ve suppressed for the past three years. How dare he do this after he promised to follow my lead? After he agreed, I would be the one to decide when and how much to share with the girls. That he would talk to Alyssa without my consent after I trusted him with her is downright unforgivable.

Determined to confront him, I rush to find him. He’s sitting on the couch in my living room with his computer on his lap as one of the girl’s TV shows still plays in the background.

“How dare you? You promised you’d go along with whatever I decided.” Though I’m furious, I do my best to keep my voice down. The last thing I want is for the girls to hear any of what I’m about to say. Figuring it’s best to take this discussion behind closed doors, I take him by the hand and give him no choice but to follow me into my office. The minute the door is closed behind me, I continue in a much louder voice. 

“In that cabin, you made it a point to tell Creed that all choices from that point forward belonged to me, and yet you go behind my back and do this?”

“Embree…” With his brow pinched, he claims, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You told her…” a thick wave of emotion cuts off my words.

“Told her what?”

“That you wanted them to be yours. You told her that’s why you came back. How could you do this?” I demand his answer. The disbelief that he would betray me in this way pushes me to the edge of tears.

“Now hold on a second…” When he reaches for me, I push him away. “Emb, I swear I said nothing to her about what happened with her father. She was the one who brought him up. She had questions. All I did was try to reassure her the best way I could. I would never go against your wishes, especially when it comes to them.”

“Then tell me what happened. Every little detail, Lucas or I swear to God I’ll call Ben right now and tell him to send over one of the other guys. I can’t have someone in my home who I don’t trust with my children.”

Like I’ve stunned him, he stares at me for a few breaths before a pained look falls over his face. When his shoulders slump in defeat, he nods his head a few times before looking straight into my eyes. “When we got to The Shake Bar, she asked if I knew her dad and if I knew where he was. I told her the truth. Yes, I’ve met him and no, I don’t know where he is. This is when she told me she’d been talking to her friends. They all told her their dads come home from work at the end of every night. Because Creed hasn’t been back in a long time, she believes he’s never coming back.”

With a hand, I try to cover the gasp that escapes from my lips. That she’s talking to her friends about her father’s absence tears out my heart. “She’s never said anything. If all this is true, why hasn’t she come to me?”

Though at first he hesitates, he answers my question. “She asked me not to say anything because it makes you sad.”

With tears burning behind my eyes, I collapse onto my chair. With elbows on my desk, I bury my face in my hands. I refuse to let the tears spill. Not this time. Not before I hear every painful detail of his conversation with my little girl.

“Hearing the sadness in her voice, I just… I couldn’t take it. That’s when I explained that before coming back to town, I had a job like her dad’s. A job that took me away for long periods of time.” When he pauses and takes a deep breath, I look up at him. “That’s when she asked if I had to leave my kids behind, just like Creed left them. The question caught me off guard, so without thinking, I told her the truth. That with my work schedule and all the travel, I never had kids. That though I wanted them, I wanted to wait until I was ready.”

  Rubbing at the back of his neck, he releases a pained sigh. “I regret telling her that, for the next thing I know she tells me ‘I wish my dad was ready.’ It broke my goddamn heart, Embree.” Before my eyes, his face contorts from an anguished look to one of angry determination.

“That’s why I told her I came back for them. For her and Mallory. As well as for you and Jenny, because it’s the god-honest truth, Emilia. I chose to stay because I’m done with the empty life I was living. After the past four weeks I’ve spent here there is no denying it, I’m staying because what I want is right here. With you. With the girls, and my sister. And I won’t apologize for making that little girl feel wanted, supported, and loved. And I sure as hell won’t apologize for reassuring her that until her dad gets his head out of his ass, I’ll be here to give her whatever she needs.”

With that, he forcibly opens the door and storms out. Leaving me to face my shame and anger alone. Confined to this small room with feelings I’m unable to process, I bury my face in my hands and let the tears come.

When did I become this person? Someone so closed off and volatile that I’d turn against the man who’s moving heaven and earth to help us. He’s done nothing but give his love and support after putting his life on hold to untangle my family from the mess Creed left behind. He doesn’t deserve my anger or my lack of trust, especially since it was he who offered to assume responsibility for the girls when their father walked away.

“God, what is wrong with me?” I release the words, hoping hearing them out loud will shed some light. But let’s face it, I’m wasting my time since I already know exactly what’s wrong. Once again, I’m wallowing in self-pity. I’m choosing to stay in the darkness, bathing myself in bitterness and resentment, and using it as justification for my actions.

It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. In doing so, I get temporary relief from the pain of my sins, but it doesn’t absolve or save me from the consequences of my mistakes. It doesn’t help me heal or move forward. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself does nothing but bind me to the very past I’m trying to forget.

Seven days since I signed those divorce papers, I’ve faded into the background. I’ve been absent not only from my life but from the girls, which is something I cannot let go on. I refuse to do to them what my mother did to me. I won’t disappear. I won’t let emotional pain or my resentment steal me away from them too, nor will I take away the love of a man who wants to do right by them.

If Lucas wants to be a part of their lives, if he desires to take away a little of the hurt, then what kind of mother would I be to get in the way of that? Everything he’s done since he arrived back in town demands I at least give him the chance.

Confident this is the best path forward, I leave my office, determined to make things right. Not just with Lucas, but with the girls. With me. I will no longer play the victim. If I want better for us, then it’s up to me to move beyond what happened and build the life the three of us deserve.

Standing outside of his bedroom, I pause. The feeling of uncertainty is overwhelming, but with a deep breath, I steel myself and knock on his door.

“Luc, I’m sorry. Could we please talk?”

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Author’s Note: 

I can't say I blame Emilia for her reaction to what Alyssa told her. Both she and Lucas are under so much pressure to do right by the girls which isn't easy given the circumstances. I think what makes this even harder for Emilia is that up until now, she didn't realize just how perceptive and aware Alyssa is. She's spent so much of the past three years shielding the girls from the truth of what is happening, that to hear it was all for nothing leaves Emilia feeling like she's failing her daughters.

So I'm curious. Do you think Lucas handled the situation well? Is there some part of the conversation with Alyssa or Emilia that she should have handled differently?

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