“You two were in an accident?!” Andrew’s voice is a mixture of panic and disbelief as I put the phone to my ear. “When? Are you still in the hospital?”

My head is already spinning as I cringe, trying to refind my voice in the silence. I can hear Jinho’s voice, rambling harsh, worried, sentence fragments in rapid Spanish-

“Que paso? Andrew- calmate- calmate - Dios-!”

“‘-Licia?”

“Not- not just now - we’re out of the hospital…”

It…

“It was three months ago.”

Andrew gets really quiet really fast. Like trapping a hurricane in a box - the sudden silence is anything but reassuring - as the phone trembles nervously in the disquiet - I hear Jinho fretting-

“Andrew- Andrew sit down-”

Is he breathing?

What I wouldn’t give to be able to reach through the phone and assure him-

I’m alive at the very least.

I’m not sure he doesn’t believe this is some sort of message from the next life-

When his voice returns it’s just the ghost of a whisper- 

“You waited 3 months to tell me you were in a crash?”

“It wouldn’t have done you any good to know…”

“Done me any good? I could have sent you - or come to see you - arranged something - been praying instead of just believing we were alright-” his voice sounds like tears-

This. This is what I was trying to save you from.

“It would have been better for you to keep thinking it…”

“To keep believing a lie? How could it possibly be better? Would it have been better for me to lose you too without even knowing what happened? Having some kind of a warning at least?”

He’s crying. And there’s not a thing I can do about it.

I sit speechless with misery, withering in the storm. 

This is…

Groundhog day. Again and again.

What I wouldn’t do to unbreak - to unbreak everything - just so he wouldn’t have to…

Suffer like I did.

There was only so much I could keep him from seeing.

Mom - passed out on the bathroom floor.

“I’m not ten years old anymore, Alicia. You don’t have to lie to me about what’s going on to try to keep from scaring me.”

That look in her eyes when she…

“It didn’t help the last time. Jinho and I could have put our business on hold and come to take care of you-”

All those times going to see her - going to see the wraith of her in rehab and all the guilt-tripping-

You and Andrew…you never come to see me…but you’re too busy…

My own whisper comes through so quietly I almost doubt if I’m saying the words out loud or just imagining them the way I’ve promised a thousand times before -

“I’m not going to let you throw your life away Andrew. For me or for anyone.”

Again the silence. I force myself to… breathe…but it feels like I’m just drinking the tears running down my face - little rivers of quiet fire burning like melted suns in the lamplight.

“You’re going to be allowed to live your life - and be happy this time. Nobody is going to take it…nobody is gonna take it from you again.”

“This is nothing like what M…” he can’t say it and the words fall dead in the space between us.

I don’t reply, feeling his emotions ebb through the phone -

He’s angry - angry about MY pain.

At our lives.

Wishing he could save me from the monsters…

But ours have never been tangible - been anything we could fight.

“Keep your sister safe, alright Andrew?”

M…the little soldier. 

Since he was five years old, Papi would send him with me on the simplest errands - going to the mailbox - delivering something to a neighbor…

And Drew took it so seriously. Squaring his shoulders. Saluting Papi as he took on his ‘assignment,’ like he thought he was a G.I. Joe or something. 

He was so proud to ‘escort’ me to the corner store - chauffeur…- to buy a book of matches and carry the tiny bag of groceries so I didn’t have to - if I had gone with… - telling me I didn’t have to worry because he had promised Daddy he would protect me - and nobody was gonna mess with me while he was around.

When Papi told him they were going to the reservation in Arizona…

“Are you crying?” Drew’s voice asks softly like it’s leading me by the hand out of that dark maze of memory.

“Yes.”

“Please don’t…” he whispers, his voice aching with sympathy.

Don’t cry for me, Drew…

I’ll pretend I’m okay if you can just…

“I won’t anymore,” I promise, drying my eyes on the sleeve of my pajama shirt.

I want to say something encouraging, but the affection is drowned out by bitter memories.

I can’t keep my voice steady or keep my thoughts to myself.

The words come out like a sob - like a shot of venom - “I just didn’t want to pull a ‘mom’…”

It hangs in the air for an infinite millisecond.

“I never would have thought that. It would have been nice to know…Alicia. I don’t want to have to…”

“I’ll do better.”

Twice in one day.

I guess I have a lot to fix - to get together.

“I’ll be a better big sister.”

“You’re a perfect sister,” he says stubbornly, and I shake my head on my end of the line, but I can’t find the voice to argue my own fallibility with him.

“I wish we could visit more often.” It’s literally been years. “I keep wanting to come and see you - but between the business-”

“It’s my fault, not yours,” I say quickly, “I had more time than you did, at least until I got signed by The Foundation.”

“I wish you could just move to Mexico,” he laughs slightly, and I think I hear Jinho sigh with nervous relief somewhere nearby. “We’ve got a pretty big place, and you could stay with us if you wanted. Not that you couldn’t just buy a house.”

“Ahh, but I have a job here now,” I sigh slightly, “I’m not ready to rebuild a life…”

I want to bite my tongue and sever the memory.

Too late.

My mouth needs a governor - something to keep these random surges of words that shouldn’t be said out loud under control…

“It’s alright. I know it’s not easy. Jinho and I have done it four times between the two of us.” there’s just the slightest sigh like he’s trying to exhale the memories “Maybe if…”

Please don’t.

“Well…it is what it is,” he says with an attempt at cheerfulness, “We can’t change the past…”

I’ve wished that a thousand times if I have once. But maybe it’s better - I can’t. 

I know there are too many things I wish I could undo - I’d probably destroy the whole universe trying to cure my own tragedies.

And if I could only pick one…I’d just be stuck forever trying to figure out what hurt the worst.

The accident? Etan? Things with my mom?-

Which part…? I-

I wouldn’t have let Andrew go.

I would have done something to make sure we stayed together through the divorce even if it meant uprooting my whole life to go with papi out to Arizona - at least then I could have done something for him in the midst of it all-

…

When Daddy pried Andrew away from me because we couldn’t make him leave I would have told him to take me too.

I would have let him keep his promise to protect me - because I knew - he needed - he needed to try to believe we would still be there for each other - 

Beyond the confusion and the white lies-

Where is mom? Where is mom going?

In the hurricane of strangers and social services workers asking us those strange questions we didn’t want to answer.

Do you guys have toys and friends? How many meals a day do you eat?

-It shattered him more than everything else to know he wasn’t going to see me, probably ever again, for the rest of our childhoods.

I would have kept my promise…

I wasn’t keeping him safe - I couldn’t possibly-

But then, what could I have done for him in Baltimore?

He would have been willing to stay and deal with it all for my sake. 

But…

But Tia Maria could only afford to take one of us - she couldn’t really afford that, to be honest.

I think she just felt guilty - trying her best to minimize the devastation for at least one of us.

Was it selfish that I let it be me?

They told me it would be better for Andrew to be with our dad. He’d have more space - a better place to live. 

He was only ten. He would adapt better to being uprooted and transplanted 2,000 miles from everything we’d ever known.

And I needed to think about my future.

So I did.

And I told myself even if it was 2,000 miles it was better than being close enough to watch Mom die.

I would have suffered the hand-me-downs and S.N.A.P. food stamps for the rest of my life to keep him from that.

But I know I didn’t want to go either.

I didn’t want to -

I would do anything for Drew - but not that much-

I couldn’t…

And weighing the balance in those tremulous teenage hands - I can’t even justify this one decision I made for myself -

Was it wrong of me to try-?

If I hadn’t-

I should have gone with him-

To just do one thing for myself as our world fell to pieces-

If I had just sucked it up and packed my trunk to go with, maybe we wouldn’t be 2000 miles apart now.

But I wouldn’t have met Kat.

And I’m…selfish.

I refuse to give that up.