6:35 PM, the streets are a mess, a jumbled mish-mash of colors, sounds, and smells that I unfortunately deal with daily. The day had ended, but the city had just woken up, evident in the nighttime rush hour reduced the speeds of this road to a crawl. Whether by cars, buses, or motorcycles, If it had wheels, it was blocking the way. 

Like always, the jeepneys were packed to the brim with passengers—like canned sardines— and it smelled like it too, a rotten one at least. 

As I gazed out the slit-like window space from inside the passenger space, I whiffed the stench of trash, smoke, and people's odor so hard I'd gotten used to holding my breath during nighttime commutes. 

6:50, The jeepney had finally arrived at my stop and I hurriedly got off. After getting on the curb, I took out my alcohol spray and cleared my exposed skin, before I took another step. It didn't do much, but the placebo did well for my psyche at least.

“Straight ahead, and then to the left alleyway,” I recall, looking over a sea of people...

My stop had been on the city square flooded by people from all members of society, buyers and sellers, churchgoers and criminals, rich and poor, they all coalesced into this liquid that overflowed all over the entire place. 

I unhesitatingly trudged through the formless crowd, keeping a tight hold on my carry-on to deter any opportunistic people who’d even consider taking it. 

The plaza was painted vividly at night with all sorts of hanging lights, signs, and even seasonal banderitas. The noises kept it alive, with shopkeepers in tents bartering, yelling discounts to hopefully turn heads, and on the side a group of kids performing songs and dances to get pennies from passersby. 

Squeezing through the crowd I felt a connection watching them work their hardest, fighting to attain the same success. Even though they're unappreciated and given seldom care, they continue to work against the indifference of the world. 

7:00 PM, After turning left and past the crowd, I entered the less renowned alleyway beside the plaza with my phone's flashlight in hand leading the way. The life of the plaza had all but disappeared and left me in a dark, decrepit alley. 

Wooden pallets propped against the mossy concrete walls, broken beer bottles and cigarettes strewn about, the stench of stagnant water amassing in pools that I had to skip over, and the abundance of stray cats feasting over scraps right ahead from the leftovers of tenants living there. 

This alleyway is feared by most especially women, who wouldn't even consider crossing this place at day, yet there's one distinction that makes me different, memories that make me think otherwise. I used to live here, which remains my home in spirit. The signage on the bent rusted pole with barely enough paint displayed “Lilac Street”.   

The 4+ story buildings erected from both sides mimicking the heights of ravines from the floor kept the place in the dark, kids played and laughed in the narrow spaces, and men gathered in groups, indulging themselves with cheap liquor and chicharron —some even ogling at me— gross,  whilst women sat around playing cards and gambled what little fortune they’ve amassed.

It disgusts me— it frustrates me— How much they sour the few memories that I remember in this place. These people who already suffer, inflict further suffering onto themselves by deluding themselves in entertainment— pointless distractions— rather than finding ways to lift themselves. 

If this is the happiness that satiates them, then they don’t deserve to experience the true happiness of life. How glad I am about how much better things are now, to be away from the hopeless.   

I turn towards the opening of the left house, and at 7:15 I’ve finally reached her home— just on time as always— My phone rings on my hands, frightening some of the strays off into the dark, the person on the other side was a contact of mine, someone I despise. 

A woman who had the opportunities that I did remained in this pit, not because she lacked the money to leave, but because she knew how to exploit the people here and earned more by leeching on other people’s backs. 

When mom, me and my sisters used to live here we couldn’t afford the steadily increasing rent and racked up massive debts in the process until we were inevitably evicted to live elsewhere…   

The landlord, the de facto ruler of all tenants here, and I’ve come to score a debt, the final one and to sever our bonds with this place forever and only the memory left behind in our hearts… which diminishes every time I looked more and more in this place.     

“Hello?” I called out before knocking on the out-of-place stainless steel gate with proper lamps illuminating the house front. Although, the tenant building has two proper entrances, a third one was made specifically for her own entrance and living space— segregated from the rest— acting like an aristocratic phony.

The shadow of a hunched person crept behind the door. “Who’s there?” demands the old woman’s voice, all grimy and ragged, her weight presses on the other side of the gate to hear me better. 

“It’s Eve, I’m here to pay the debt on my mother’s behalf.” I say, silence, the landlord considers before yelling “Come in.” on the other side.

A loud thud sounds from behind the gate before a smaller opening pulls back and unveils the elder, frowning and without as much as a smile to meet me after all, this meant the beginning of a new time for me, and my family.    

I enter through with weary eyes “I’ll get straight to the point, my mom owes you only 1,871, after this, we’re finished.” I demanded as I left the smaller gate open, expressing my intentions of leaving immediately, however, the landlord would have something else in mind. 

“Isn’t that a wonderful thing? Not anyone could just say they’ve freed themselves of debt.” She remarks, with an uncharacteristic fondness— though only a fool wouldn’t see through that facade— I frown, crossing my arms in place, refusing to take another step.

“I know, which is why I’m making this as quick as possible.” I retort though she doesn’t seem to budge, instead doubling down on her intent “Well, we must commemorate this with a little treat— a dinner— you must be starving.” She clasps her hands together, turning back to me with a smile on her face. 

Celebrate with her, is she mad? Her audacity for recommending such things when she’s solely responsible for this plight in the first place. If I could, I would’ve slapped her for all the torment she’s caused my family for growing up. 

My breathing pulses, increasing by the moment whilst I restrain myself and my words. “I’d rather not, I don’t need to overstay I can celebrate this with myself.” I respond, pulling the exact amount from the wallet that I owe— coins included— 1,871 pesos… it seems so little now that I reached the end of it. 

The total that my mom used to owe when I was only 5,000+, but because of the landlord’s interest it inflated to about 10,546 pesos, doubling in the seven years we left it. 

Looking back then, even 5,000 used to be an astronomical amount, but now that I see it, that sum of money won’t even provide for a month with expenses alone, and I could earn my way in paying that entirely, which I did. 

Handing her the cash, the elder woman, ungrateful frowned and feigned tears, but again, this proved to be one of her facades which reeked of lies. “Where was the Eve that used to be free-spirited and loving? She used to be so full of hope...”

She just couldn’t stand the idea of seeing someone else rise and taste success but I found my way in life now, the direction that I must go and that meant having to sever myself from past problems so that I can restart and not have it bite back when I least suspect it. 

With this affair finished, we could finally breathe the fresh air of a new beginning, to pull ourselves up, well the opportunity of it at least, an opportunity I’ll graciously take, can’t say the same for my family though.    

I roll my eyes, waiting for the landlord to finish her monologue, refraining from taking a step closer. “Has this little victory gone over that little head of yours?” she says, “Don’t get me wrong, I understand you’re smart— but that knowledge— won’t replace the wisdom required for success.” 

My eye twitches at the idea, whilst my hand slowly curls into a fist. I will have my happiness, even if that means I take others, I will witness that peak with my two eyes in this lifetime, and I won’t settle for less, even if she doesn’t understand that fact. 

“I know, which is why this is goodbye.” I refuted her words for the last time, walking away before her taunts pushed me to take action. 

Leaving through the opening I lift my carry-on bag on my shoulder before walking with a frown. “You think everything is headed your way now, but you’ll lose it all, and come crawling back here, believe me.” 

7:50 PM, “Cheers! Ha ha ha…” Yells the drunkards on the alley, and his friends soon follow in uproarious applause. I won this battle sure, but it felt bitter and empty, like a larger front had just opened in front of me. 

As much as I loathed it, the landlord’s words… my mind kept ringing me about doubtful thoughts whilst retracing my way back. I understood the lengths required to bring myself up the vicious mountain of success. 

She’s wrong about me crawling back here— this is my last time going here— however, the thought of losing everything, I dread it. I’ve just given myself a bright opportunity— a new beginning— if I were to lose everything then, what would I have left? 

Will my family still love me if I fail? Could I still have my happiness if everything I worked on disappeared right now? 

I viciously shook my head with gritted teeth, slamming my free hand on the heavy concrete wall, “Stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking!” I demanded myself— my thoughts—, My chest burdened to a stop, skin crawling, my heart constricted suffocating me in place, my back arching and panting like I lost my breath after running a thousand miles without stop. 

My eyes flutter whilst the image of a mirage at the end of the alley waits for me. The end of the tunnel… so far yet so close— so frustratingly playful— If only things were easier if I lived a life without all these problems. 

A happy, unproblematic life, what more can I ask for? STOP ASKING MORE QUESTIONS.

From that singular thought, I managed to ground myself back into reality, inhale… exhale… after breathing properly, I remedied my situation with a technique I knew. 

Five things I could see… “Concrete walls, cigarette butts, beer bottles, people, stone pebbles.” 

Four things I could touch “Concrete walls, cell phone, carry-on bag, wristwatch.” 

Three things I could hear. “Drunken chatter, cricket chirping, running televisions.” 

Two things I could smell. “ Stagnant water and cigarette smoke.” 

And lastly, a thing I could taste, “Saliva.” muttering those words finally snapping myself free of this episode. I wipe my watery eyes with my wrist before proceeding, cell phone in hand flashing lights in the dark. 

Just as I thought things were starting to improve,  a chilling breeze rushed through the alley, the drunkards sensed that something was wrong and immediately retracted their set-up inside, whilst the kids resumed their playing inside.    

Tap… tap… right on my phone screen, barely recognizing them on the dark— water droplets— my eyes widened in horror. 

“Damn it! Why now?” I curse under my breath before looking for a plausible place to find cover. The clouds earlier didn’t lie, I suspected the likelihood of rain but refused to bring an umbrella with me, a fatal error that haunts me now.

“Rain! Rain! Let’s tell the others.” yelled one of the kids and I decided to follow. an idea ran through my mind— a memory— after all, where else would a group of kids spend their time this late at night, where else but a computer shop?  

My suspicion was right and I ran into a hole-in-the-wall computer shop as the drops turned downpour. I sighed in relief but quickly realized I now faced the dilemma of not having a way back home. 

Inside this, noisy, unpleasant room, swarming with kids who should be home by now, wearing their shorts, I could whiff their smell from a couple of meters away. The paint gradually scrapped off the walls, using desktops made in the early 2000s, with the keyboards missing keys and exposed wires on the headsets.   

Though this wasn’t the computer shop that I frequented, the place had a nostalgic tinge in my mind when my only problems in life were what excuse I’d make up for my mom when I got back home so I didn’t get spanked, or where and how I’ll get my coins to “extend my time.” playing here, often resort to instigating fights by stealing my friend’s coins and blaming someone else.

8:10 PM, as the rain continued to endlessly pour outside, I turned away from the entrance and deeper into the computer shop— driven by my curiosity—  I overlooked the congregation of kids having a LAN 5 vs 5 match from what I could deduce… these poor kids they’d have to sleep outside because these kids won’t have a home to come back to… I could already see their mother’s faces.   

“Hoy! Get off the computer, It’s my turn already!” begs one of the kids to the one playing in front of me, “Nuh-uh, you lost the bet and I’ll have your hour!” she rebuts, “Screw you!” yells by one of the kids on the far corners. “Whoever is on playing top, go #### yourself!” A kid threatens, “#### me yourself you weakling!” taunted another in response. 

Hearing those words oddly put a stupid grin on my face. I don’t even remember smiling like an idiot. I looked closer, to see what they were playing, and to my surprise, they were playing games I used to play also It felt all so real, like living my life for what it was, this… was happiness right? 

Happiness? I chuckle to myself, realizing how my head was luring me to who I used to be. There is only one happiness and that is being successful in life! How could I be so wrong, glorifying my greatest mistake?  

If playing games was “living life” then I might as well just dream all my life. I‘ve already woken from that mistake, from how addicted I used to be to meaningless distractions 

I could no longer take back the years I wasted by being hooked on these things, being no better than the people I ridiculed earlier, this wasn’t happiness in the slightest, this was a distraction. I need to wake up, entering this place was a mistake, I’d rather drench myself in the rain than suffer here by recounting rotten memories like candy. 

I grab my blazer jacket, taking it off of me whilst leaving the computer store, the downpour hadn’t slowed down but that didn’t discourage me, besides my time. 

A revelation speaking clearly in my mind. Walking out with the blazer jacket over my figure to stop the rain, I trudged through the dark, exacerbated by the rainfall. Lilac Street, the landlord, our debts, my old self, this place shaped me for failure, to fall stagnant like everyone else.