This was heaven. Could it get any better than this?

I didn’t think it could. Just a few hours ago I was stressing about Carol not even wanting to see me, but now here I am, in my old home, with the woman I loved.

I snapped out of my daze and followed Carol up the stairs.

I will say – and I preface this by saying I’m not a pervert – but walking up the stairs and behind Carol almost killed me. I would eventually have to find some alone time while she was asleep and take care of myself. I was one of those people who had a high sex drive, so being around Carol was dangerous. Very dangerous.

              Once I had avoided death and lugged my luggage upstairs, Carol had got me set up in my old room. I was surprised that she had kept everything the same. I cringed a little when I saw the stuff I was into when I was eighteen. I didn’t want any of this anymore, but it was the thought that counted. I was sure she would have done something to it once I had moved out. Knowing she didn’t made me loved the woman even more.

              We were now sitting in the living room and catching up.

              “So, what have you been up to?” Carol asked. She tried to cross her legs, but the sundress hampered her mobility. It rode up a little and showed those amazing legs of hers. My eyes were drawn to them like a moth was drawn to a flame.

              We just started to talk and I’ve already lost the plot… I am no better than a man.

              I sighed at that thought. Who wanted to be compared to a man?

              “Oh, well as you know I just graduated so I started job hunting. I was browsing on Indeed when I saw a listing that was for a Graphic Designer/Web Designer. The posting looked interesting and when I saw where the company was located, I thought it was fate.” Carol smiled at that. “I applied immediately, went through the interviews, and got hired a few weeks later. And as they say: the rest is history.” I said with a smirk.

              “That’s amazing!” Carol said brightly. “I always knew you were smart, but you’ve blown all my expectations away Jo.”

              I couldn’t help but blush at the compliment. “T-thanks Carol.” I whispered.

              “You deserve the compliment.” Carol replied as she bent forward and placed a hand on my knee. The touch was supposed to be reassuring, but combined with the view I was getting from her chest… Well, you get by now.

              I huffed through my nose and steeled myself. Get a hold of yourself!

              “I appreciate it. Really. It hasn’t been easy, but we made it out the other end.”

              “I understand.” Carol replied.

I knew she would. Carol was the only one who understood. I’m sure I could have gone to group therapy along with regular therapy, but those people’s experiences wouldn’t be mine. They wouldn’t be no matter how much we had in common. Carol’s experiences were exactly like mine. She really did understand. We went through the same things and it made us closer. The only real difference between us was how we viewed each other.

              “So, what have you been up to?” I asked eagerly, mirroring her own question from earlier.

              “Do you really want to know about what’s been going on in my boring life? We could talk about something more interesting. I won’t be offended.”

              I blinked. “What? Of course, I want to know what’s been going on with you Carol.”

              Carols’ face changed from mild apprehension to elation. She told me all about the four years I had missed. Apparently, with Ma out of the picture her daughter Sophia from her past partner visited more often. I didn’t even know she had a daughter! Apparently, she had her pretty young. I shook my head. I knew that Ma was possessive and toxic, so it didn’t surprise me that she didn’t want anything to do with Carol’s past ‘history’. I had never met her daughter, but from what she was telling me she had seemed like a hardworking and driven woman. I let her ramble on about her accolades. She had graduated top of her class at Harvard and now was some big shot lawyer. I was quite impressed. It didn’t really come as a surprise though. She was Carol’s daughter after all.

              Once, Carol was done talking about Sophia, she moved on to her ‘boring job’ as she put it. I don’t think I could ever find anything she talked about boring. Did her job sound exciting? No. But it was people like Carol who made the world run wound. She seemed to pride herself in whatever she did and made sure to do her job to the best of her abilities.

              Of course, she couldn’t have talked about her job and not brought up Morgan.

              Apparently, Morgan was her boss, but since Carol was so ahead of everyone else, Morgan took a special interest in her. Carol said she didn’t think she was doing anything unusual when Morgan asked her why she worked so hard. That definitely sounded like something Carol would say. I guess that was enough for Morgan and they’ve been friends ever since.

              “So, Morgan huh?” I said casually. I didn’t want to pry, but I had to know. Did they just work together? Were they best friends? Or were they…

              “Oh, yes, yes she’s wonderful.” Carol said with a smile.

              “Mhm…”

              “What?” She replied. Carol’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion and it was still the cutest thing I had ever seen.

              “So… you like Morgan?” I pushed.

              “Yes, I like Morgan?” Carol said. I knew I would have to stop being vague, but I was hoping she would have understood what I was saying.

              I sighed. “No, I mean… do you like Morgan?”

              Carol sat there for a moment, processing my questions - and like a light went off over her head - her eyes went wide. “W-W-What? No, no, no, I don’t like her like that!” She exclaimed loudly. Her cheeks were tinted read and my jealousy was rising. Fast.

              I just raised an eyebrow. Her reaction was suspicious. “Really?’

              “Jo, yes, we’re just friends. I don’t even know if I want to date again…” Carol said sadly.

              Carol’s twiddling drew my attention to her hands. I could still see the pale outline on her finger where her wedding ring sat. I couldn’t help the memories of the past coming back to the surface. I dug my thumb into my palm, so I could keep them at bay. That time had passed. It was time to focus on the future. The future that had Carol in it.

              In all honesty, I would have been happy for my mother and Carol. When Ma first introduced me to her, I had thought they were the perfect couple. It looked like they balanced each other. Carol’s soft to Ma’s hardness. Ying & Yang. But Ma’s mental health took a turn for the worse and she became unrecognizable-

              See this is what I meant…

The past seemed to just keep pushing itself to the forefront of my mind. I dug my thumb a little harder into my palm until the memories faded. I felt wetness on my palm plus a stinging sensation which probably meant I had gone too far.

Carol must’ve seen my hand because she came over to my side with the quickness and held up my hand so she could see. “Oh my God, Jo! Your hand! What happened?” She said as she raced out of the living room and into one of the bathrooms to get our first aid kit.

What would be the right thing to do in this situation? Make up lie? Tell her the truth? I decided honesty was the best course of action.

“I did it Carol.” I said with a sigh. “Sometimes I do this to get back control. You know from the memories?”

Carol came back into the room and gave me a sympathetic smile. I was glad she understood. I wasn’t a self-harmer. My skin was clean. I never went that far, but I sometimes needed that jolt back to reality. My therapist suggested a hair band that I could snap against my skin and I would’ve done that, but I just forgot about it because of the move.

“Do you do this a lot?” Carol asked gently.

“No, no. I don’t usually do it at all. I forgot the hair band I usually use, so I resorted to this.”

“Well, that’s good at least.” She replied as she started on fixing up my hand. “How about we watch something instead to get your mind off things?”

I absently replied with a nod. That was fine with me. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was too focused on Carol’s soft hands touching my own. Her touch had a calming presence that made me forget about everything entirely.

“There. All done.” Carol said. She looked so self-satisfied. It was adorable.

“Is that offer to watch something still available?”

Carol beamed at me and nodded her head. Now, I would just have to focus on the TV and not the goddess who would be sitting right beside me.