i was told that my father had to be taken to hospital because he had a knife under the mattress and had cut his face open. he could have killed her in her sleep if he wanted, he might have even considered it. 

I remember him disappearing that day and then coming back a year and a half later, everything was fine from my point of view until I started to remember everything. i didn't know why he left but it was only recently explained to me, he would drink his problems away basically, he would drive my older siblings around drunk. he's crashed his car, been seen passed out next to it. gone missing and found asleep in his car with bottles and cans. he could have killed us all, I think he might have even driven with me and my siblings but only once and multiple with the others. i remember one of them telling him to slow down. and the car seeming to be levitating with how fast it was going, but that's all I remember from that memory. my mother and older siblings practically raised me until they started going cold, my siblings mostly. maybe its the big age gap? i was never really able to spend time with my siblings and not have it end in crying since me and them had such a big age gap. we never were able to get along, its gotten to the stage were im underestimated to the point its straight up insulting.

i was always disciplined in the worst ways, not physically but to the point where I don't know how to really show anything, I was always told by both my mother and siblings to watch my attitude or I would be screamed at which seems fine at first but the only thing I was actually doing was showing my anger, I wouldn't even raise my voice that much, but for some reason they would treat my emotions as an attitude that I needed to fix. i don't exactly know how to properly show my anger anymore, I can just cry at this point. i can yell sometimes but that's all, I cant do it twice. i usually bottle up anyway because I get embarrassed by how much I cry about it all.

i never liked church, to me its just a socially acceptable cult. i remember kids would always make it their mission every Saturday night to hurt me in some way, and my parents still took us to their house for dinner. 

it makes me miserable. but that doesn't matter, im my mothers main priority and going to church is important for me so no matter how many times I tell her how much it hurts me, it will always be with me. now im just counting the years until im 18 so I can leave once and for all, I was spending the day with my oldest sister and mother one day. i was having fun, until they wanted to watch a religious movie. nothing wrong  with that, until she pulled out the giant ass bible that sits on its own stand in the dinning room. i remember watching a movie with my mother but she only agreed to if she showed me a tv series based on the life of Jesus. i don't actually remember any good times with my mother, everyone else loves her. but I cant find the good memories I've had with her, and even if I can recount some their all covered by religion, its been getting worse since my parents official separation. she counts on that man for everything, and she drags me with her. that was the last thing I needed in all of this. having a mystical man in the sky being forced into my mind, shes been doing it during holidays to. she never did that she would always let me sleep. i could be having an amazing day with the family im visiting and then just have it all ruined by the news of going to church in a day or two. at this point I can do nothing but beg that gohsts are real, I don't know if heaven is an option for me and if hell is a real thing than im definitely going there. and complete darkness would do nothing but torment me. i just want to be some kind of spirit and find inner peace that way. because at this point that might be the only time I can, im not allowed to feel or express so I don't. i pretend and at this point I don't even know how I should feel about everything. my father was diagnosed with BPD until they realised how bad his drinking was. so my mother started doing her own research and found almost everything bad about being in a relationship with someone with BPD int their marriage. I've been told I have traits. so I did my own research. you only really need 5 traits to be considered as someone with BPD from what I've seen. i have more. I told my mother but of course. that cant be possible. my ADHD was everything wrong with me. its just impossible that I have been considering suicide for years and have been hurting my self since I was eight and constantly worry about her leaving me and constantly check the clock after shes ever so slightly later than she said she would be its just so impossible that I have no way how I sometimes feel inside and how I should react to the point it could be considered empty its just so impossible that emotional instability to the point where I cant even get angry sometimes and just break down crying or go into a panic attack or maybe it could also be impossible that I don't regard myself in some situations and see myself as a lowly being and that im just a burden and my plain existence is annoying or get paranoid to the point where I shake for no reason and feel like im on the brink of a panic attack out of nothing and have a constant fear of people screaming at me and getting angry, its just so impossible that I can almost find no sense of self, that I have no true personality and that im being controlled by two different people. ill be feminine one second and masculine the next. i have no real person. but that's not possible. its all in my head and I shouldn't pay attention to what I've been told.