“You promised you wouldn’t get mad,” Frazer mumbled, head turned to the ground as I continued to badger him on the way into the restaurant. 

We had spent the whole car ride just the same, me in unbridled shock that we had shared the entire day together without him saying anything and him mumbling countless apologies with no excuses. Not that I gave him much of a chance to get a word in. “But who hides something like that?”

“I didn’t want you to feel… obligated.”

“To wish you a happy birthday?”

“That. Or to get me anything. Or that the day had to be anything special.”

“Do you have an aversion to birthdays or something?”

“No…”

“Then why couldn’t we make it spec—”

“It was already special enough just getting to spend time with you.”

I stopped in my tracks as I became consumed with heat, my heartrate accelerating at an increasing speed as I couldn’t stop myself from reading more into what he just said.

Frazer’s cheeks flushed crimson as he looked anywhere and everywhere but me. Though all joy and hope bubbling up in me came crashing down when he said, “I’ve never had a friend like you before who I can hang out with for hours without getting bored. I just wanted another one of those days with you. Besides… it’s not like I did anything for your birthday.”

I started walking to the restaurant again as I mulled through his words, though all that throbbed was the label of ‘friends’. He’s always quick to remind me… “We didn’t know each other on my birthday,” I finally replied, voice lacking enthusiasm as we entered the restaurant.

“I know, but… it didn’t seem fair.”

In the end, I took the seat next to him, with Kevin taking the other side, cramped between the two boys in the tight booth our group was assigned. Though I didn’t make any effort to join in on the conversation that spilled around us as birthday wishes were exchanged and mindless chatter ensued. I simply stared at the menu as if it were the most interesting thing ever, trying to not focus on pulsing pain in my chest every time Frazer’s shoulder accidentally bumped into mine, or he leaned around me to talk to Kevin.

Because all my mind could echo was the one word.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends.

It was like an alarm clock I couldn’t hit snooze on, blaring at me without hesitancy, telling me to wake up from whatever dream I was in.

How am I ever going to get over this stupid crush? I couldn’t help but wonder as Frazer placed his order, his voice stirring my aching heart once more.

“You should get an alcoholic drink, Fraze,” Kevin encouraged. “You’re eighteen now! Live it up. I’m driving.”

His gaze flickered towards me for a moment, before turning back to the waiter. “Just a Coke, thanks.”

She noted down the new item before her attention turned to me. “And for you?”

“Er…” All that time staring at the menu, and I still had no clue what I wanted. So I rattled off one of the first things that seemed interesting. “The chicken quesadilla.”

“And your drink?”

I almost asked for a Coke as well… but as Frazer bumped into me again as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, I decided I needed something to take the edge off this crippling pining that was inhibiting me from enjoying the evening. “I’ll get a mango margarita.”

All eyes whipped my way as the waitress asked, “Can I see your ID?”

I fished out my Learner’s Licence from my wallet and handed it over. After glancing at it and me, she gave it back, jotted down my order, and turned to Kevin.

The group barraged me with questions like, “You’re eighteen?” “You drink?” “Do you drive then?”

I mumbled my responses, “Yeah. Not normally. I only got my Learner’s at the start of this year.”

“How have you only just gotten your Learner’s?” Kevin implored as the waitress left with our orders.

As I explained my dad’s busy schedule impeding my attainment of my licence, it was hard to not feel the green gaze burning into me. But I avoided looking at him, focussing only on the questions that came my way as Frazer’s friends got to know me and I them until my food and drink arrived.

Then finally, once I was a few sips into my beverage and felt the liquid courage easing the knots that had tangled themself into my stomach, my head finally flipped Frazer’s way and I was able to play the friend once more.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

My head was throbbing as I started to rouse from my slumber. And the light seeping in around the cracks in the curtain only exacerbated the problem. Nonetheless, it was hard to roll over and ignore that I was now awake when Archie was jumping onto my bed, demanding I get up.

After a few nudges, I finally sat up and my brother left the room to fetch me a glass of water and a Berocca, as per my dad’s instructions—who was not happy with the fact that I had come home drunk last night, especially off only three drinks. Nonetheless, thankfully it was just Archie here to berate me this morning, as dad had left for work long ago.

Reaching for my phone, I blinked at the time, alarmed to see it was already 11. But waking me up further was that there were no messages waiting for me.

My mind played through the foggy memories of last night—laughing at the restaurant, bickering with Frazer again over his lack of compliment, Frazer whispering in my ear that he’s sorry for not telling me that I look beautiful, my eyes definitely clouding over with love hearts before Frazer shuffled away from me in disgust.

“Oh no,” I moaned before burying myself back into my pillow. I didn’t tell him my feelings did I? Oh… who cares if I told him or not. He surely would have been able to tell. That must be why he hasn’t messaged. I’ve made things awkward. 

Archie had returned with my orange-coloured drink. As I sipped at it and mulled about last night returning memories, my mind tried to reassure me.

Maybe he’s just giving you time to get over your hangover.

Maybe he’s giving you space to get over your mortification.

There’s no way he’d stop being your friend just because you like him.

I downed the last of the drink, then heaved a sigh, forced myself out of bed, and headed for the shower.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

It was 2pm. My brother and I were curled up on the couch watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, and I still hadn’t heard a word from Frazer.

And the pessimist in me was starting to win as my worries began to worm their way back into my mind. 

At 3pm, when he still hadn’t messaged me, I picked up my phone and started to compose a text.

Me: Hey, did I make a mistake last ni…

Delete.

Me: Is there a reason you haven’t mes…

Delete.

Me: Are we still friends?

Delete.

Me: I’m sorry. Sent at 3:15pm.

I sat there, staring at my phone as Archie grumbled at me about not paying attention, yet I couldn’t help fixating on the two ticks appearing, telling me it had been received. And then the ticks turning blue, telling me had read it.

Though no dots showed to tell me he was replying.

I was simply left on read.

◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷

Dad came home a little after four, and after checking I had recovered, proceeded to scold me about getting drunk.

“I’m eighteen though,” I replied.

“Yes, but you didn’t tell me ahead of time that you were planning to drink, and you were with a group of boys who could have taken advantage of you in such a state, and you got stupidly drunk in a family restaurant of all places, and you’ve never gotten drunk before, but suddenly do so? What’s going on with you, Em?”

All I managed to mumble back though was, “None of them would have taken advantage of me. And even if they wanted to, Frazer would have protected me.”

“You’re so lucky he was with you. And that he’s a good guy. But why the hell did you do it, Emilia? It’s so unlike you. Also, is getting wasted at your friend’s birthday dinner appropriate?”

“I… I know it’s not, but…”

“But what?”

“But…”

Though as I started to cower and the tears began to bloom in my eyes, dad’s face and tone softened. “Em, you know you can talk to me about anything.”

“I was feeling so overwhelmed and wanted to just… not be so anxious for once.”

“What had you overwhelmed? Being around people? I know you’re not a social person, so I understand—”

“Having to play Frazer’s friend.”

“What do you mean by ‘play’ his friend? I thought you two are friends?”

“We are… And it’s all we ever will be. He made it very clear yesterday.”

Pity clouded over my father’s expression before he pulled me in for a hug. “It’s such a burden to fall for a friend. I’ve been there. But the feelings will go away, honey. Once the feeling of rejection passes, it will be easier. Just make sure you two don’t grow distant as a result.”

“I think we already are growing distant though,” I started to sob.

“What do you mean?”

“He hasn’t messaged me all day, even though I texted him before.”

“Oh, Emilia.” My dad pulled me in closer, apologising for being sweaty and dirty, but I didn’t care as I gripped at his shirt and let him hold me together as I fell apart in the misery of my unrequited love.