I want to be here but I want to go home…

Andrew is managing to keep the conversation flowing on his charisma alone, filling every gap with something that draws a smirk or a chuckle from Kattar or Jinho.

I’d laugh but I. can’t breathe.

To be fair, the laughs are reluctant on Jinho’s part. He seems determined to roll his eyes and pretend nothing from Andrew’s mouth is even slightly amusing.

Is it just because he’s still upset?

Do over. Why isn’t there a button to do over? Restart this meeting-

And Kat…?

I have no idea what he’s thinking.

My brain struggles just to translate the voices - separating the ones around from the ones in my head - separating their actual words from what I think is being said - all the ways I read into what’s being said-

And the nightmares I should keep to myself.

Women are good at multitasking, allegedly. But just managing myself is too much. 

The face remains unread-

Not that I’ve ever been able to…

Stop.

Another time.

Andrew starts talking about this crazy Dominican woman who lives next door who’s convinced that her garden was cursed - or that a young woman came through in the middle of the night and touched the seedlings during her time of the month - maybe both - because that will ‘poison the plant.’

“-As if somebody would just climb over her fence every night to vent her pent-up aggression by stomping through the sepas, and yelling four-letter words.” 

I roll my eyes at that as Kattar glances in my direction with a mild teasing light in the otherwise dry expression.

You better not…

I know he has some tall tale of my ‘feminine hatred’ just waiting to spill out, but I glare at him with an expression that invites no anecdotes.

Unfortunately, Jinho and Andrew both catch the look and laugh before I can defend myself.

“Uh, oh, better not let her touch the sepas,” Jinho laughs.

“If the words out of any mouth could kill a plant, it’s yours,” Andrew quips, startling Jinho with a smack on the back that nearly knocks off his glasses.

“Diablo! - Sh-” Jinho half growls, readjusting his specs. “Watch your strength before you break my back.”

Kattar winces.

“Ah, sorry, sorry,” Andrew apologizes quickly, “I always forget I can have a bit of a heavy hand. You never feel strong when you’re moving lumber all the time, so it’s difficult to judge.”

Kattar has been stirring his lemonade absentmindedly for the last five minutes, but at this, he looks up at Andrew, though not an ounce of emotion shows in his face as he asks, “Do you guys just do home repairs and renovations, or do you make furniture too?”

“We do a bit of everything; repairs, remodeling. But furniture is our specialty.”

“And by ‘ours’ he means ‘his’,” Jinho adds with unamused honesty, “I don’t do anything but paperwork.”

At those words, Andrew stops, looking at Jinho as he lazily skims the dessert menu, and I think I see a dozen shadows running across his expression - like a lowlights reel at light speed-

I wish I knew…

“But I am eternally grateful that you do” Andrew smiles, putting his hand on Jinho’s hair with a much gentler motion, “I had a much harder time before you came along.”

And I wonder if anyone saw it but me.

In an instant, his smile is almost the same as it’s always been, as he half laughs at himself as if our lives are the funniest thing under the sun.

Like we’re a cosmic joke.

“When Jinho first started helping me out with the accounts we realized that I had been seriously undercharging. I always calculated the literal costs accurately, so I wasn’t losing money but...” 

No-no more reminders.

If we weren’t amongst other people I’d put my hands over my ears-

“I only had our father as a point of reference and he was always too modest to ask for very much. Especially when he couldn’t really read or communicate too well in English.”

I have to resist the urge to grit my teeth - or scream - feeling like I’ve had a thousand roses stuck into my skin.

Keep breathing, keep breathing.

My body is drenched in frigid disquiet.

Unwittingly, I begin fidgeting with my sweater in both hands.

Jinho just lowers his head, placing one hand on Andrew’s shoulder forcefully like he’s trying to smack the sting out of the memory.

How much did Andrew tell him?

Then again…how much does Drew know, himself?

I’m suddenly sure Tia Bella must have told.

For a fraction of a second, the energy shifts and Kattar is the one on the outside-

Sorry.

There are some burns we keep personal.

Our inheritance is a cursed heirloom.

It only makes sense for Jinho to know - 

It’s good that Drew found someone to help him - make sure nobody took advantage of him - but…

I’m sorry, Kat.

He seems to glance between all of us before he changes the subject as if he’s absolutely unaware that we’re all keeping secrets.

“So, did you both study a lot about the carpentry industry in the area before you met, then? I’ve not spent much time in Mexico City so…” 

The last time he was in Mexico was for his last movie.

“Not a lot,” Jinho says, waving his hand as if it’s unimportant. “I studied business and accounting back in Seoul. I didn’t take any interest in woodwork until we met at...”

“Avellaneda. Jinho was on a vegetarian kick at the time…”

The longer the conversation goes on the more both Kattar and I become lost - floundering about in the foreignness of lives that aren’t ours and lives that should have been.

I struggle to keep up with the wagging tongues speaking my own tongue - having a harder time than the immigrant of three years - 

I’ve never even been to Mexico.

What have I been doing with my life up until now?

“I was just in Mexico to deal with some of our mom’s property, at the time,” Drew is saying. “Technically it was our grandfather’s, but none of our aunts wanted it so they left it to Mom, and when I got there I understood why. Believe me. The place looked like it should have been haunted, but I guess it was too dirty for even the ghosts to stick around.”

When he shakes his head I see Tia Bella, but his smile is all mom…

“It took SO much longer than anticipated to even make it liveable. But it turned out okay because while I was there I met this curmudgeon.”

Jinho glares at him, but I can tell he’s not mad, even as he scolds scornfully, “Just ‘okay?’ I think it turned out better than ‘okay.’”

Andrew smiles but doesn’t reply to that, too set on talking about the house.

But I already knew how much he’s in love with that place.

He almost cried when he called to thank me-

“Our Tia Maria told us that Mom had been holding onto that property, planning to make it into a summer house when she could afford the renovations, but she never got the chance. Honestly, by the time I got to it, it would have been more cost-efficient to tear it down and build a new house in its place, but I was too obsessed with the way Abuelito had set up the whole structure. He was kind of kooky, I guess you could say, and designed this whole European fairy-tale cottage look to the place. It has the coolest secret passageway leading into the master bedroom from the above-ground cellar like he thought he was a secret agent in the 15th century or something.” 

Andrew laughs giddily, and for a second it’s like time hasn’t passed at all.

He’s a child again.

Or he’s just still a child.

I don’t…

“...Tia Bella complained to no END that it wasn’t fair to “go leaving all the renovations to Drewy'' when the property had to be dealt with, but I felt like a kid in a candy store, honestly. I just wish ‘Licia’s house had been half as interesting in design-”

At those words, Kattar looks up at me quickly, but I avoid his gaze, meeting the wary question in Andrew’s eyes, as he realizes what he maybe shouldn’t have let slip…

It’s fine.

I think it rather than saying it out loud, but he understands the silent permission. 

Even so, it takes him two attempts before he can explain, with his usual chipperness.

“W…Everything our mother had was technically left to ‘Licia, by the legal rules.”

Nothing.

“But Alicia said she didn’t want anything since her company had already taken off…”

He doesn’t say the word ‘nothing.’

“So she asked if I would take mom’s stuff as a favor since she didn’t know anything about renovations and carpentry...”

Nothing was left to provide for my little brother because of mom and Tia Miguelina’s f-

Kattar is still looking at me subtly, even as he attends to Andrew’s story, and I want to evaporate into thin air as the voices-

“I’m grateful because it ended up working out perfectly. We kept the place in Mexico and we rented the one in Maryland after we cleared out the old junk. That was a hassle. Our mother was quite the hoarder-”

Jinho shakes his head at this but just says “Vinyls. But not even good ones. Billy Joel.”

I laugh slightly, thinking about the amount of songs from 'River of Dreams' on my YouTube playlists.

“My mother just picked up and bought a new house when she didn’t want to worry about clearing out the things she didn’t want to keep around,” Kattar says unexpectedly. And I'm not sure who exactly he’s talking to, as he stares into his lemonade again, swirling the straw, “We legitimately parted with our apartment and everything in it, bringing nothing but our clothes and my mother’s computer.”

Jinho’s jaw drops so violently I think it might detach from his face, but before either he or Andrew can say a word, Drew’s phone begins ringing.

“Perdón,” Andrew smiles shame-facedly, his dark eyebrows knitting together as he rises quickly from his seat, “I have to take this.”

Jinho waves him off vaguely, but I immediately feel like I’ve been plunged into ice-cold water.

With Andrew gone, the silence has a chance to settle into hefty discomfort…

“So how long have you two been together?”

And now I’m drenched in acid.

The question burns into my skin as I glance at Kattar sharply and he shakes his head with a disgusting placid smile I wish I could bite off of his face-

“We’re not actually a couple. It’s a common mistake.”

And I-

Really don’t like the way that sounds.

But I resist the frown just as Jinho glances at me like he’s waiting for me to confirm what Kattar says, raising his eyebrows in apologetic surprise.

“Ah. I guess I just assumed because Andrew mentions you two in tandem so often…”

I don’t know what leads me to reply bitterly:

“No, he’s telling the truth. We’ve never been an item. My last boyfriend was the photographer Etan Sosa. You might have heard of him?”

I can see Kattar’s expression alter for a fraction of a second - like his smile is glitching.

Jinho nods brightly, suddenly excited-

“Oh, I know that guy. He’s worked with some pretty big publications. ‘Blue Fire’ and ‘Gethsemane Journal.’ Andrew’s subscribed to both of those. But that guy just did a photo shoot for, what was it…G- “Gossamer and Ambergris,” like a month ago.”

And I’ve never seen a look that black in Kat’s eyes before, as he looks up like he’s been struck by lightning.

“Yeah, he’s pretty famous,” I smile composedly. “I modeled for him once too, in his shoot ‘For Colored Girls Only.’”

“Oh yeah, Andrew has the magazine that the collection was published in-”

If Kattar’s face turns any redder he’ll explode.

But Jinho’s just looking at me as he laughs, waving his hands like he’s defending himself. “When I saw the pictures for the first time I didn’t know who you were, so I thought your brother just had a creepy obsession with some Mexican model. There’s a picture of you on his cell phone-”

Before he can finish the statement, Andrew reappears, speaking hurriedly in Spanish and Korean. I only catch fragments-

Error.  No. Now now now. Caramba. We’ve gotta go now before they close-

As he turns to us apologetically, Kattar forces himself to look up, but his face is an unusual color - murderously sanguine-

“Aye, lo siento - we had an issue with the details of the paperwork for our permit. The office just called-”

He looks older when he’s frazzled. 

Now in business mode, motioning to the waiter for the check between explanations, the child is gone and he’s a young adult.

I don’t know which hurts more. 

His voice is rambling away a mile a minute with an odd texture that was never there when we were children.

“It’s good they caught it now before it causes more trouble down the line, but we’ve gotta go fix it before they close for the day. I’m so sorry, Alicia.”

“Oh, no. Don’t worry about it. Mistakes happen.”

I like to imagine I don’t look as disappointed as I feel.

Or as relieved.

Everything is a bustle now of paying for the meal and packaging up food. Andrew insists on treating us despite my protests, because “organic is so expensive” - that with a glance toward Jinho who rolls his eyes.

Between the rustle of to-go bags and all of us slipping out the front door, Jinho starts asking Kattar to suggest a few of his movies to watch when they get back to Mexico and I manage to nab Andrew by the sleeve, taking a deep breath to brace myself for the necessary question…

“Drew, do you have any old photos of Mom back home?” 

It’s barely a whisper.

I try not to meet his eye as he tries to read my face, his own glazed with disbelief and confusion, but he nods confidently, “Yeah. They’re in our attic.”

I don’t want to…

Breathe.

“Do you think you could make and send me some copies sometime when you get back home?’

The bewildered and worried cloud on his face darkens, but he knows now is not the right time to ask.

“Sure…” but before he can say anything else - try to roundabout-ly draw out an answer - he’s nudged by Jinho who motions to the car.

It’s better that way.

I don’t think either of us knew what to say anyway.

Let him…

As they walk off, I hear Jinho whispering, asking what’s wrong with the paperwork and Andrew laughs, noogieing and semi-yanking Jinho forward in a headlock.

“You filled it all out in hangul, you dimwit.”

Be.

If either of us was going to be happy.

I’m glad that it’s him.

And if I imagine that I gave all my good karma for him to live in such semi-perfect bliss, then I’m okay like this.

Laughter is the first sound out of his mouth and the last thing I hear of him, and that breath of air he lent me seems to leave again with him-

Audibly, I feel just the ghost of a sigh - like having the life sucked out of this empty parking lot - and looking back I see Kattar with his head in his hands.