It was snowing, but the snow was not sticking to the ground, I was watching it through the window, bored, the professor was handing out tasks, while I was only thinking about what was up next on my schedule. On my usually empty schedule, or just usually filled with classes and my shifts for work, well today was different, making my reality feel distant. The two papers were put on my table as the professor passed by, the task was rather easy. Take a picture you would describe yourself. A self-portrait, I definitely had an idea, but would the professor really understand it though. Would anyone really understand, well there was one more paper there for it, to write an essay about what you wanted to show, he smirked at some confused faces before speaking up: “ As you see, this will greatly affect your final grade, if you managed to do it well, by that I mean if everyone gets the general idea of the picture and story behind it you will get a good grade. You see at the end of the paper given to you, there is a date by which you can perform this task, each person has it is own date, and you will be presenting the picture around people you don't know. Think of concepts and think about ways to perfectly tell the story. I will be showing a few works of previous years as an example.“ Amazingly there were photos that immediately took your breath away, from expressions, concepts, and the way it was exectuded. But at the same time, it lowered my confidence. 

Texting first thing after the professor left felt great, I did not wait for a reply, as I then began putting things back in my backpack. Small steps, looking through the window, at the tree branches slowly being covered with soft, white, pure snow. Ah, and the branches are of my favorite tree: „ Night Jasmine:“ I looked at the older boy/ man in front of me: “ Masaru-san, do you like trees as well“ he looked at me with a soft smile: „ I do not particularly like them, they are beautiful, but to me they feel less alive than other things, I like to take photos of more alive subjects. That is why I prefer humans over nature.“ His gaze never really left me, but I spoke while looking at that tree: „ Sometimes, I feel like I am living not worthy life, so I learned to appreciate even things that people think do not matter. In actuality this Night Jasmine is my favourite tree. Maybe I feel sympathy towards it after it is named after something it is not.“ He hummed: „ What do you mean by that?“ I smiled, he would not probably get it, but I hoped he would, maybe it would be easier to live it with someone understanding so I gave a hint: „ It isn't even a Jasmine tree“ just as I am not a Fukuyama. He looked at me confused, and I did not want to look disappointed, luckily I was saved by vibration in my pocket. I was surprised so I said:“ Sorry, I have to look at this.“ I did not want to be rude to him. If I was I don't think it would really change anything.  My face shifted from a distant look to an excited one as I read the message. Koji had sent me the location of a nearby cafe. I looked up at Masaru, who did not meet, my eyes. I waited for a few more moments, thinking of a way to say that I had to go. But he spoke first: „ Can you text me when you have time to model for me? If you are uncomfortable we can shoot it wherever you feel more comfortable.“ I looked a bit confused, I did not know where that came from. I did not feel uncomfortable around him, it was just that it was hard to open up, my trust in people is kinda of hard to understand because I do not believe in anyone, but be nice to me and I will fall for every lie you tell me. Actually, this made it feel even weirder between us. If I only was smarter. An awkward response came out my mouth: “Ah, sure? I will text you soon, um see you around.“ I waved like a teenager who was running away from responsibility.

It was cold, their air showed my breaths, the irregular breathing... why, did I not realize, that my senses were right. Walking was best for calming down, reaching out with my hands to pick up some snowflakes, looking in front of me, at him, cozily sitting in Caffe reading something, melting, the snowflakes were melting on my hand.  Freeze in this moment, or well freeze this moment, I wanted someone to explain what this was. I really wished I had someone who could have told me. I can't even regret that. Breathe in the cold air, cough madly cause I obviously forgot how to breathe, and head inside.

Getting hit by that warm air the scent of cinnamon, I did not even like, but somehow it stirred something in me more, made me feel uneasy, but not uncomfortable. Koji noticed me approaching, and stood up, gesturing for me to sit. I sat down and the waiter immediately came to take my order, just a simple green tea was fine by me. He smiled as he spoke to the waiter asking for the tea to be on his tab. I obviously wanted to refuse but he said: „Please let me pay for this, I was the one who invited you, besides I need your help, right? This is a way for me to show how I sincerely wish to work with you.“ „Just this one time. I will let it slide.“ „ Really.“ He smiled like a happy puppy, making me confused, why was he even happy to hear that? He continued: “ I like your attitude, you know when to protest and when to not. Well, I am happy you agreed to help as well. Honestly, we wanted your help today already. But it is snowing so we can not do what we wanted, you see we need a sunny day.“ I honestly had a hard time understanding everything he was saying while he was looking at me with that stupid huge smile, his brown eyes completely disappearing. The mark under his left eye was honestly all I could focus on.  He slowly opened his eyes witnessing my stunned silent face, he asked:“ Is something wrong.“ Blinking once, then twice I came back to Earth. Figuring I had to answer: „ Yes, I was just kinda lost, did not know how to respond.“ He smiled and spoke: „ You are weird“ Well that hurt“ but I like that.“ I decided to ignore the feeling that came after hearing those last words. Definitely regretting that. „So what exactly is your project about?“  He hummed: “ Last confession or regret. Those were keywords“  I did not understand:“ sounds poetic, but how would you incorporate that in a photo?“ „Oh, we have an idea, but as I said we need sun for it, we want to shoot it by rock near the dock, and if possible we want to have similar pictures through the timeline of a day, or at least from sunrise to sunset.“ „ Wow, that sounds hard to achieve, have you planned to take a free day for this?“ „Um, no, not really. Why?“ I stayed silent for a moment preparing myself: „ My parents are strict, I can't miss any class.“ „ Wow, I did not consider that, you do not give off the feeling of having strict parents“ maybe cause I do not, have parents at all. I spoke, „ Well it is fine if I join you around sunrise, and teach you guys how to handle the camera, and leave once I have, right?“ Honestly, I sounded unsure even to myself. He shook his head:“ No, I can't let you do that, I would feel bad not giving you all the experience, we can not leave you without your camera for the whole day, what if you need it? Besides we will for sure find some solution.“ I smiled sipping on tea, I felt like he was actually looking out for me, so I asked: „ What about a day when we have no class, I know someone will have plans, but only those days work for me.“ He looked at me kinda surprised: „Wait, you are right, this Saturday we will all be free.“ I looked at him: “ This Saturday, as in two days. Um sure, I am free.“ „Oh, right, you do not anyone you would be working with, well how about I confirm with others first and then I will introduce them to you tomorrow:“ „ That would be great.“ He smiled: “ Anyway, I think it is time to get to know each other a bit more.“

I smiled. Looking to the left for a moment, the snow was still falling, but not a sign of it on the ground though. Just people walking around, various clothing styles, scarves, honey hair, brown shoes, black eyes, brown hair. A chill passed me by. Was I afraid he would found about my lies, about me being an orphan? Should I ask the first question: “ So, how old are you exactly.?“  He laughed:“ Do you want the exact date of my birth? It is June eleventh, 2003. Meaning I am still 21, how about you?.“ „ I will be turning 19 soon,  December fifth, 2005.“ „ You told me your parents are strict, but they allowed you to go to the photography course.“ „ Ah, you mean it because it is not really a popular course, or it is unlikely to succeed. My parents did not protest it, they followed a similar path,  it is probably why they could not say no, or well maybe because this was the only thing that interested me since I was a child. They won't let me give up it though.“ I once again lied, I felt bad about it, but I could not help it, I had a feeling I was just digging a hole deeper and deeper, and we were supposed to get to know each other. His phone suddenly rang. I gestured for him to pick up. I could understand that someone was asking him where he was, and what he was doing as he answered:“ Just at a cafe having a warm drink, why do you need me? Ok. I will come soon.“ I waited for him to end his call, before speaking: “ It is okay, you can go, we will have to get to know each other more some other time.“ He apologized „ I am sorry, I will text you for sure. Do you need a ride somewhere, I have my car here.“ I smiled:“ No, it is alright, I will eat something and then go to work, The time actually flew by, it is already 1 pm.“ „ Then see you around.“ Feeling a bit sad once he was gone, maybe because I felt I no longer belonged here, the cinnamon smell entering my nose violently this time, made me hurry to gather my stuff.

Fresh air...wishing for it now, wishing to go back to this moment in my life

Looking at him get in the silver Corvette across the street, on his phone, messing up his hair with his hand, turning on the car, and looking to the right, before going on the road. He is gone leaving me truly alone once again. Walking to my workplace to get some lunch at a discount, before clocking in early.