“Ugh! I just can’t with today!” I find myself growling with something between a shriek and a groan as I slide closed the front door, and throw myself onto Kattar’s couch without a word of greeting.
Kattar looks up at me from his wheelchair, barely less than dumbfounded, hugging a pink gift bag with silky white handles to his cable-knit chest like he’s trying to protect it from my temper tantrum.
“Yeah, hi.” He says with the slightest twinge of sarcasm, his eyebrows raised with silent admonition. There’s something else in the eyes too, but I can’t place it…
“-Are you ready to go now, or did you need to meditate or something first?”
I scowl at him, reddening, but he doesn’t see me, fiddling with the handle of the gift bag.
“Can we just call off the dinner?” I groan, knowing I sound much less than mature, but I’m so done with adulting for the day.
Kattar looks up quickly at those words, and a cherry flush drenches his face with anything but pleasant feelings.
What-
Was it really such a big…?
“Oh…I mean…,” he wraps the ribbon around two fingers but doesn’t finish his statement staring vacantly into the carpet. I imagine-in the spirals I’m so used to seeing on my own - dizzy little sundogs and painted almost-mirages. His is perfect. But that’s unsurprising, and I shouldn’t let my stains sully this-
I start to paint the lie onto the tip of my tongue. The “Nevermind. I didn’t mean it. Let’s just go.” knowing I’ll hate every second of being in another public place amongst strangers-
Almost as much as I hate seeing that look on his face.
“Yeah, no problem,” his voice says finally. “We can reschedule if you’re feeling tired.”
As soon as the words are unpackaged - the change of plans - for my sake - is out in the open - he looks down again quickly and there’s the faintest line of a frown - of dissatisfaction…
Then all in an instant it’s gone - expression, emotion, any telling grain of discontent that I had glimpsed in his face is washed out by that perfect, plastic smile.
And something about that makes me think of-
“Well, I was going to give you this during the date but I guess you can just have it now.”
“I’ll open it later,” I sigh, undoing my braid with one aggressive claw through the coil, and even as I say it I see his face turn white and then red.
His mouth opens like he just saw a ghost as his eyes flash with alarm.
“I’d really really prefer you open it now,” he stammers, morbidly flush.
There’s an anxious intensity in his eyes that I’ve never seen before, and it worries me. That same sparking glow - like a lightbulb on the verge of catastrophe.
Kattar has almost never pushed me to do anything that didn’t involve immediate danger, my safety, or care, and though I can’t imagine anything in a gift bag being that serious-
Perhaps it’s just a threat to his sanity.
Even as I take the bag he doesn’t relax, his face still transfixed, nervously attentive to mine. I drag my eyes off of the white face sending chills down my spine and stare into the pink tissue like it’s an ocean away instead of right in front of me.
I should say something.
But the joke comes out half-hearted at best, as I laugh, “I hope all this hurry means this is something perishable, like ice cream.”
He offers just the meekest smile, more like a twitch of his lips, or a nervous tick, than a smile at all. It’s all just a force of habit. Smile. Even if nothing in him could possibly be amused by anything.
Even his panic is pristine.
His face is still frozen with that look of bloodcurdling beauty, and if it would cure anything I would throw this bag out the window right now or burn it.
I have the almost irrepressible urge to do one of those now, as if the contents are cursed, but biting my lip I slip one hand under the tissue and graze across something small and fuzzy with the tips of my fingers.
Is this a toy?
Freeing it from the bag I hold a little amigurumi lion in my hand with a yarn mane full of tiny cloth peonies. The lion itself is sandy brown, but its mane is Valentine’s Day red, as is the little heart it hugs against its…well… heart, that says “Will you be mine?” in a spiraling script.
It takes me a minute to even register what I hold in my hand. To register what it says and then convince myself that I know what those words mean.
Then I glance at Kattar, and he’s white as anything, staring at the crocheted kitty like he’s trying to remind himself what was written on the little heart.
Then his eyes meet mine.
“This…,” I start to say but he looks down quickly, his ears burning.
That’s fine. I’m not even sure I knew where that sentence was going anyway.
I hear him take a deep breath like he’s going to say something, but before he can, I just ask-
“Does…does this mean we’re going to be official?”
He looks up at me quickly now, and I barely breathe, his eyes dancing with vibrant anxiety. He wants to look away, but the stronger part of him resists, as he brings one hand up to cover his hesitant smile.
“That really depends on whether you say ‘yes’ or not, I’m pretty sure.”
The fear is melting away a little, replaced by a reddish burning in his cheeks. And this smile, shy as it is, is genuine. His eyes grin above the thin fingers still hiding his mouth, and I can’t resist the twinge of guilt that washes in and out like a wave-
No- not. Not today-
Sliding over on the couch cushions until I’m just an armrest away from where Kat sits in his wheelchair, I take his hand in my own and pry it gently from his face. His color deepens as he looks at me with a mixture of confusion and curiosity.
I’m this close…
But not today.
I lean over the armrest and quickly plant a kiss on the end of his nose, watching his eyes round out into those endless oceans - ebony full moons in his scarlet face.
He immediately moves to hide his embarrassment behind his hand again, but I don’t let it go.
“Oh, for heaven's sake.” He says it halfway between a laugh and a shudder, more embarrassed than I think I’ve ever seen him yet.
“That means 'yes,' in case you were wondering,” I smile, folding my sleeves over the upholstered arm even as I keep his right hand clasped in my own.
“Oh does it?” He laughs just slightly, “I couldn’t tell.”
I roll my eyes, but can’t resist the smirk.
“Do you need me to say it again?”
He doesn’t even try to hide the flush this time, though his smile is anything but shy, as he brushes the hair from his neck with his newly freed hand, tossing me a teasing smile.
“I’ll pass for now. I promised my mom I'd be on my best behavior while she was in San Diego, you know.”
I can’t help it. My smile descends by a micro degree, and he catches the look.
He still hasn’t told her.
I haven’t asked again but I know it’s true.
Even that command to “behave himself” was just one of her age-old, playfully babying orders she’s been giving him for as long as I’ve known them, and for all I know…
Has he even ever told her he was interested in me?
He can see it in my expression, and his gaze falls, studying the pattern on the sofa arm.
“She does know that much,” he says a little grayily, a dark mood pushing the color out of his face as he answers another of the many questions I never asked.
If he can read my thoughts then why does he choose to ignore them more often than not?
I want to ask ‘when.’
When did he tell her or did she just figure it out for herself?
What did she say?
Was she happy?
She was happy about it, right?
He stares me full in the face as I flounder hopelessly, lost in this labyrinth of silence and voices and yeses and nos - always giving and getting less than anybody wanted, so we can all stay - perfectly miserable, I suppose.
The queries flash across my expression like Morse code but-
“Let’s not talk about it, please.”
-Is all that he’ll say.
And even though I know I have a right to ask. Even though I know he’d tell me something at the very least if I insisted he had to let me know, I stay quiet in the silence of the pretty, immaculate living room, listening to the screaming on the inside of my own muddled head-
-Wondering if it’s possible for “perfect” to be insufficient.
***
Hey everybody! This is Leyelle (the author) and I’ve got big big news! (Don’t worry it’s not all bad news this time.)
I recently recieved a Tapas contract for "Damsel in the Red Dress" because I finished within the top 50 of the "True Love on Tapas Competition" (Yay!)
But, while the contract offered a lot of cool benefits, I declined to sign because I wanted to maintain control over my creativity and the way I share my stories with you guys.
Unfortunately, (but obviously) all of the sales perks Tapas would have offered me aren't an option since I didn't sign, so I can't get compensation/support for my stories through that outlet. But that doesn't mean that it's hopeless because (*drum roll*)
I just started my own Patreon!
And that means:
Bonus content: I’m going to be making a bunch more bonus chapters like these - but they’ll be over there on my Patreon as bonus content for the varying tiers. (Don’t worry, I’m not taking the ones posted here on Tapas off of the website.)
Other fun kinds of extra content, like my random “Monday Muude” posts, writing tips and prompts, samples from unreleased projects, stories written to your prompts/suggestions, and live streams.
My short stories and poetry that I don’t post on Tapas are now available for your reading pleasure (on Patreon.) Currently, that includes my prize-winning short story “Rain Dance,” my (currently) Patreon-exclusive story "Rigamarole," and a collection of fairy tale inspired poems, that were originally created to work in tandem with “Hushabye Prince.” (Fortunately, they stand alone too.)
And along the lines of “Hushabye Prince,” it also means that if I get enough support, I’ll be able to get the tablet I’ve been looking at (but currently can’t afford) and will be able to start putting out some of the comics/comic strips I’m dying to share with you guys.
I’m practically exploding with ideas and stoked for all the cool kinds of bonus content I have planned for the different Patreon tiers, (currently, “Bubble,” “Splash,” “Wave” and “Huracán,” because I might be a nyad lol.)
I literally have tons of stuff planned, but it would make this announcement run super long if I detailed everything, so if you’re curious you can read all the details about the different Patreon Patron tiers and their benefits/bonuses on my Patreon itself (I’ll link it in the description.)
Thank you all sooooo much for the 100 subscribers. I really didn’t expect to get here this fast and it’s all because of you guys’ amazing dedication and support. ‘Thanks’ really isn’t enough, so I’ll just keep on putting out more amazing content to prove my thanks (XD.)
Stay tuned, there is so much more story where this came from!
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