“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t cry for him when you are looking at me. It’s painful.” Gikwang whispered.
Sunoo’s lip trembled. “That’s so selfish…”
“It hurts my heart to see you in so much pain.” Gikwang interrupted.
“Gikwang,” Sunoo said, and this time he couldn’t hold back the tears. They broke out of him like a wild animal, unable to be contained. His sobs of grief were passionate and explosive.
As passionate as Gikwang’s friendship had been with him through this entire ordeal.
“I will never get to tell you I loved you.” He whispered. Gikwang knew exactly where those words poured out from and the pain that caused him to yell such a heavy thing out at the world in anger. He knew he didn’t have to hide his feelings not around Gikwang. Gikwang would never judge him for hating a dead person so much.
He felt Gikwang’s sizable warm hand fall atop his head and leaned into the strokes of comfort.
Time was steady, unpassable. Nothing in the room told him just how long he had been sitting here on his knees sobbing. The only sign time had passed was the increasing ache in his knees from sitting on the tile for so long. He imagined Gikwang wasn’t fairing much better.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, yet not long enough, the tears on his face ran dry. And he slowly lifted his head. Gikwang looked back at him, smiling softly, it was the visible etches of hidden pain through his face that made Sunwoo painfully aware of how much Gikwang was hiding his own pain to let Sunwoo have the chance to grieve fully. He pulled himself off the ground with every bit of strength he had left in a system weakened by exhaustion and sorrow. Gikwang stood a second later. Holding onto his thighs as he stood, confirming Sunoo’s earlier guess.
“Gikwang, what am I going to do now?” He sobbed, but it was dry, his body empty; he turned away from the picture that haunted him. His footsteps dragged, but somehow he found the strength and left. There was this vague sense of Gikwang following along behind him. And in his head, his father’s words echoed at him.
“Go for it. Try to find your purpose in this world. You are just a screw-up. You weren’t even supposed to be here. Like someone could love you. Even your own family doesn’t.”
Sunoo’s steps stumbled, and he covered his face with his hand, letting the pain twist him inside.
‘Ahh, he was right. Why did I betray you like this? Maybe if I had loved you properly. Maybe if I hadn’t betrayed you. Maybe if I had just given you my heart…’
“Sunoo.” He heard Gikwang say from behind him.
Sunoo sobbed. “I can’t… I can’t… I caused Daesung to die.” Sunoo picked up his feet and began to run. Run from the memories, run from the pain. Run into his sorrow and depression. All the things he knew he should face just seemed too big.
It was too hard to love; it was too hard to be loved.
Life was too hard.
“Sunoo, stop! Wait, stop. Please don’t go.” Gikwang’s arms wrapped around his, pulling him tightly into a back hug.
“You didn’t cause Daesung to die. It isn’t your fault.”
“Gikwang, let go, you don’t even know. You don’t know anything at all! I am the type of person whose family doesn’t even care for them. You know the ones who are supposed to love you always. I was the one who told him to get on that plane. I told him I didn’t want to love him. But it was a lie. I loved him. I love him so much. He said he was going to stay for me if I just said I loved him. All I had to do was say those three little words that were in my heart. But I looked him in the eyes and lied because I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want him to give up on his dreams. But if he hadn’t of gone abroad to take pictures he never would have been there when the fire happened. If I had just told the truth.” Tears ran down his face and he didn’t bother wiping it away as it mingled with the snot that dripped out of his nose, his chest ached heavily from crying so hard. He had thought he could handle it. Handle identifying the body but his peaceful face could have just been sleeping, if it wasn’t for all the bruising and the distinctive marks that ran across his body where he had been trapped under the debris.
He could have been sleeping.
“You should let go, you should walk away unless you want to end up like everyone else in my life.”
“Gone,”
“All I can do is ruin things.”
“You don’t mean that,” Gikwang whispered,
“I do. I do mean it.”
Sunoo turned and met Gikwang’s steady but loving gaze, it was the same one Daesung used to look at him with. Soft, understanding, and filled with love and adoration.
Right now, he couldn’t find a single bit of strength to stand, let alone feel anything but pain. He couldn’t reciprocate that feeling.
“I…”
“I’m your friend Sunoo. I will always be here for you, you don’t need to like me, you don’t need to love me, or fall for me. But let me be the one you can lean on just for a bit. Just until your heart stops aching. Can you let me do that for you?” Sunoo felt fingers slide across his head, gently pulling his hair back, he did that over and over again. Still cuddling him tightly against his body as he hugged his back. Slowly, that soothing motion pulled the stress and anxiety that he had been holding tightly to since last night out of him and he finally collapsed, his legs giving out.
Gikwang helped him over to the bench seat in the hall.
“Rest.” He commanded
Sunoo nodded, closing his eyes and obeying Gikwang.
“Rest and become stronger because Daesung wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
Gikwang’s voice lulled him to sleep and as he began to doze off because of the stress and tiredness catching up to him, he felt lips press against his forehead as Gikwang continued to pet his hair.
He drifted off into a fitful sleep, one where Daesung was waiting for him, Gikwang beside them both, holding a reassuring hand around him pressed tightly to his back and soft lips that pressed against his forehead and then his lips.
Daesung was an angel laughing and smiling beside them, watching his two friends find comfort together through the pain.
His dreams were beautiful, and he clung to them, hoping to never wake up from those smiling faces.
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