Red skin, and red circles around my eyes, the sun had already set. I was helplessly waiting in silence. The temperature of my skin was high, my mind hazy... thinking of everything I did wrong, of everything that I was at fault for, trying to reason with myself that it was not everything was my fault, I felt like I was just saying that in case I would believe it, knowing I wouldn't.  I layed on the ground of my bathroom, looking out the window. Watching how the sky quickly changed colors. The old red marks already started to change colors, now purple covered up by marks I did myself, ugly red... ugly myself, I hated.

My body was weak, and I did not want to move, but the cold floor cooled my body, not my mind, I was going to get even sicker if I stayed here. Not that I really cared, did I have something to live for?

I was standing in the middle of the room, cold and dark, there was no light, and I did not wish to see it, the state of the room. The clock above my bed gave the time... It was past midnight, long past it actually, It was Monday already... it was a new day... A new day but all I could think was yesterday, about the past, things I could no longer influence... almost stumbling across the room to the closet, where I tried my best to quickly pick a hoodie and pair of pants. Rushing to go out of the room, I felt dizzy and fell on the bed. A picture under my hand, made me freeze, made my brain burn. I took it with me as I rushed out of the room, bumping into the door frame, and cursing my life out loud. Throwing the clothes on the dining table, as I washed my hands, once, twice, thrice... my hands hurt so bad I wanted to cry... There were no tears left to shed. My naked skin, marked was covered by a black hoodie that was slightly large on me, I did not care for the lack of underwear, I probably did not even notice it, as I put on a black sweatsuit.  Walking around the table aimlessly. Feeling that if I stopped moving, the world around me would continue spinning, around and around. Something was wrong with me, as always something was wrong with me... there was no other explanation... Am I a bad person for this to happen to me, if that wasn't it, should I become a bad person? My phone rang for a moment... it was an unknown number...

I carefully looked at it... scared shitless to pick it up... but then again what could possibly go wrong, it could not possibly be worse than what's already happened. I took it... A voice I did not expect surprised me:“ Hello, Fukuyama-san, this is Professor Nam, I saw that you haven't replied to the mail I sent in the morning.“ I was confused:“ A mail?“ „ You did not see it, well anyways, if you want the scholarship, you need to fulfill the first task until noon. As we have to have something to grade. I am sorry to call you so late, though about it. „ I was silent: AH, no it is fine, I was not sleeping. I will try to bring something. Thank you for the call. „ He apologized once more, before hanging down. And I was once alone in the dark, silence following me... I sat down, feeling the world spin around, with no control.

What am I supposed to do, a few days ago the only thing that was on my mind was the scholarship, and now it was the last thing on my mind. Did I even want it? What would I use it for? There was nothing I could do with the money... and even if I wanted it, what could I possibly take a photo of... with the way I am?  The photo in front of me, made me vomit, or maybe it is the way I felt. The spinning did not stop even if  I was looking down at the photo, a photo of my exposed naked body and few marks on it, what killed me most was the semi-displeased expression, my brain tried to figure out when he had exactly taken this one, flashbacks pulled over... there were too many photos taken...but I knew exactly when he took this one. Not that it mattered. As I walked back to the room, to check my camera. It took all of my courage to stand up and walk off, my knees barely holding me up, my head spinning, and  I was barely conscious enough to get to the walls and follow them. My camera was nowhere to be found.

I could not even freak about it, as I felt cold ground... I woke up several hours later, my throat burning, thirsty the taste of vomit still in my mouth. Rushing out the room to the bathroom. Washing my mouth, washing my hands. Still feeling nauseous, I walked around the apartment like a headless chicken. I stumbled next to the dining table, where my phone and that cursed picture was. The phone rang. But I did not pick it up. Masaru-kun was calling. I stared at it, why was he calling, what more could he want? The phone stopped and only then did I pick it up. The screen showed the time of 8:58 am., 13 missed calls from Masaru-ku, and 3 unread messages from him as well. I decided that I should at least look it up, I did not want to see him, what if he was in front of the house? What if he was waiting for me?  I could only guess what ifs, I wished I could wash my hands even before I unlocked my phone. As I read the message:“ Yuki-kun, I am sincerely sorry about what happened yesterday. „ That made me feel better, right... Who am I kidding, I did not believe a word from him. „ I know It is wrong of me to contact you after everything.“ So why were you contacting me?  „ I accidentally took your camera with me.“ What am I supposed to do, believe him? I couldn't. He probably took it, knowing it meant a lot to me... he had something over me, even when he did so much damage to me. It was too easy for him to destroy me... it was as easy for me to destroy him. I looked at the photo on the table, my stomach grumbled from nauseating feeling and pain, but still, I did not feel like eating anything. Looking at the knife next to the dried bread from yesterday. I was thinking of cutting, of cutting, but not bread.

The phone rang again. It was him, this time I picked up, my voice was raspy: “What do you want?“ „ I know you must be angry, but I am willing to give it to you, I don't want anything in return.“ „ I am heading to class.“ „ Really, you are going to the class, but you don't sound so well. Is it really alright for me to send it by someone.“ I was frozen: „ No, I will meet you, I can't let anyone see the photos.“ „ You don't trust Koji-kun or others.“ „ I no longer trust anyone. Where do you want to meet?“  he was silent for a few seconds: “ A secluded place. How about under the Nakatsugawa-ohashi bridge.“ „ I will be there in an hour.“ I hung up.

Walking to the college, trying my best not to accidentally bump into everyone on my way, I hide my hair with the hoodie. Firstly I rushed down the stairs to the street. I must have looked messy, as the grandmas looked at me weirdly. I was ashamed, I could not even act like myself. I was paranoid, but I knew that whatever was about to happen was not the worst thing that could happen to me.

Sounds of cars rushed through my ears. It made me feel uncomfortable. My mind was too dizzy to think if what I was about to do was a smart idea. I checked the envelope again, the photo was there and the essay of text, the half-empty paper.

I bumped into one person, then another, trying my best to say I am sorry, without falling on the ground. Somehow I managed to get to Professor Nam's office, he seemed surprised by my sweaty appearance. Asked me if I was fine, but I could not stay there, I felt like he was pretending to be nice to me, like Masaru-kun did. I did not trust anyone. I just gave it to him, before saying I was fine and that I needed to go somewhere else. Luckily the classes started and I could easily manage to go back out of the building.  I sat at the bus station, going with bus one station before walking to the bridge. It took me 10 minutes to walk, I honestly felt ready to pass out. Heavy breaths escaped my mouth. I saw him standing there, and I stopped, preparing myself both mentally and physically. I heard the cars around me, the water, and birds flying away. It was cold, the snow was falling down slowly. The freezing temperature made my body try even harder to give me more heat. At the edge of my vision, I could see a car park nearby.

There he was, looking worse than yesterday when he ran away. His complexion was pale, but I couldn't observe him for too long, everything came back as flashbacks, his grin from yesterday taunted me, I could only see it. His lips moved:“ Are you feeling alright? You don't sound good or look good.“ I looked at him wondering if he was genuinely worried about me. Looking at his face made me lose balance, he caught me, immediately concluding: „ You are burning up, you have a fever.“ I tried to push him away: “ Don't touch me.“ But he gripped around my waist hard: “Don't try to push me, you will fall down.“ „ Why does that matter to you? Just let me fall, it will hurt less than yesterday.“ There it was, the smirk from yesterday:“ You did not complain yesterday, in fact, you looked like you enjoyed it. Look at your body reacting to me even now.“ Somehow, Masaru-kun felt like he was two different people, this one I did not like a tiny bit, the nice one was tolerable a few days ago. I looked down in shame, realizing I was hard. My head sunken down further. Only for him to push it back up, pulling my hoodie off. Pushing his tongue in. Saying in between kisses, as I limply stood there, my knees shaking. „ I will call you later.“ He pulled out my camera. Gave me it, asking me with his innocent voice: “ Do you need a drive back, do you have cold medicine“ I shook my head, carefully taking it: “ No, it is alright, someone is here to pick me up.“  He looked at me confused: “ Are you sure.“ I nodded softly pushing him away, honestly, I was angry at him, at myself that this was the best I could do, for now.

I walked away, my footsteps heavy as I walked to the certain parked car, it was not hard to locate it, I had seen it for a couple of past days. The man was surprised to see me knock on his window, he pulled it down, clearly still on his phone. I did not care, just saying: „ Give me a ride.“ I did not explain anything, he nodded, while reporting this development as well.