“You make me feel lonely when I am with you.” Bai Xuiyi’s words hung heavy in the air, the weight of his emotions palpable in the dimly lit room. He leaned back against the wall, his heart heavy with the burden of unspoken truths.
The surrounding floor was strewn with the remnants of the party, a chaotic mess that mirrored the turmoil in Xuiyi’s heart. Despite his efforts to clean and organize, the brief chaos of the evening had left everything in disarray not just in his heart but in his home. His family had asked all the same questions, when will you two marry? What are your future plans? Will you adopt? What are you doing after the new year? And just like every year, he had no answers. Just that we are happy. We are fine.
But he knew in his heart he had stopped believing those words years ago.
Rao Jun stood in the doorway to the kitchen, his arms crossed tightly against his chest. His gaze bore into Xuiyi, filled with a mixture of confusion and hurt. “How can you be lonely when I am right here?” His voice was strained, the words choked out of him.
Xuiyi ran a trembling hand through his hair, frustration and sadness coursing through him like a river. With each pass of his fingers, he hoped to dispel the ache in his heart, but it lingered like a stubborn shadow and all he did was mess his hair.
The pain had ached inside him for too long, festering beneath the surface until it threatened to consume him whole. His love for Jun was fraying around the edges like a worn-out sweater, and he knew that if he didn’t catch the threads before they snagged, they were over. It was his only chance to hold on to a love he cherished deeply.
“It’s Chūnjié, can we talk about this later? It’s the middle of the night, everyone just left. Tomorrow is literally a new year, we can talk then.” Jun’s voice was soft, almost pleading, but Xuiyi couldn’t bring himself to relent. The weight of his emotions too much to bear, pressing down on him like a weight.
A sad smile tugged at Xuiyi’s lips as he clung to his pain tightly. “I’ve been holding it in for later already, when is it later?” His voice trembled with the weight of unshed tears and his bottom lip trembled.
Without another word, Jun turned and retreated into the bedroom, the soft click of the door closing echoing in the stillness of the silence. There was no anger in his departure, no passion or urgency–just a quiet resignation that cut Xuiyi to his core.
Alone in the silence, Xuiyi felt the weight of his emotions pressing down on him like a suffocating blanket. The realization that he was drowning in his pain, suffocating beneath the weight of all the things he had been holding back, filled him with a sense of profound loneliness.
It hurt to know that he was crumbling from the inside out, consumed by guilt and shame, while Jun remained oblivious to his suffering. And yet, despite the pain, Xuiyi couldn’t bring himself to let go–not yet.
‘I love you., I love you so much it hurts to be next to you and feel like you are not even there. So why can’t you feel my pain and understand me?’ He thought and buried his head in his knees while he cried.
He felt more isolated than ever.
Time crawled past and at some point, he grew too exhausted to even cry, instead, he would just sniffle every few minutes, and let out a soft heaving sigh that made his lungs burn, and his eyes itch.
Xuiyi lifted himself from the cold, unforgiving floor, each movement heavy with the weight of despair that seemed to have settled deep inside his bones. He moved toward the bedroom with the sluggishness of a man burdened by the weight of his regrets, his heart throbbing painfully in his chest.
As he pushed open the door, his gaze fell upon Jun’s sleeping form, illuminated by the soft glow of the early morning light filtering through the curtains. Jun lay there, still dressed, his breathing steady and rhythmic, familiar and normal. He had fallen asleep like nothing was wrong at all. Like it was a regular Saturday night, ‘How could he have?… How can he be so blind to how upset, how tormented my heart feels right now?’
He knew Jun’s every movement, every gesture, every breath, as if they were written in the stars themselves and knew that was his sleepy form cut off from the world, deaf and oblivious, and one hundred percent out of reach. While he had been sobbing his heart out. After he had said such a thing to him, he had been able to close his eyes and just…. sleep.
“It hurts,” Xuiyi whispered into the silent darkness of the room, his voice barely above a breath. ‘I can’t stay. I want to, but I also want to be loved as much as I love you.’
With a heavy heart, Xuiyi moved past the bed to the closet, his movements mechanical as he retrieved the bag he had prepared earlier. His hands moved with practiced efficiency as he gathered his belongings, his mind numb with the realization that he was about to walk away from everything he had ever known.
Pausing for a moment, Xuiyi’s gaze softened as he looked upon Jun’s sleeping form, his heart aching with the knowledge that this might be the last time he would see him. Leaning forward, he pressed a tender kiss to Jun’s lips, pouring all of his love and longing into the fleeting moment.
Then, with a heavy sigh, Xuiyi straightened up and made his way out of the room, the weight of his decision settling like a leaden weight upon his shoulders. He paused only briefly to don his shoes and jacket before quietly closing the door behind him, the tiny little click of the heavy metal door, as he let it settle gently back into the place, was as harrowing as if a gun had gone off, both were as heavy to his heart.
As he descended the stairs of the apartment building they had shared for so many years, Xuiyi felt a sense of finality settle over him like a shroud. It felt as though he were not just closing a door, but detonating a bomb that would obliterate everything in its wake.
In that moment of clarity, Xuiyi knew that there was no turning back. Without Jun, everything he owned was meaningless, insignificant in the face of the love he had lost. And as he stepped out into the cold embrace of the chilly early morning, he knew that he was leaving behind not just a place, but a piece of himself that could never be reclaimed.
‘What have I been doing the last seven years that everything I own is expendable outside of you? Without you, those things are absolutely useless to me.’
But before he could even take another step, Jun’s voice cut through the silence like a knife, stopping him dead in his tracks.
“Xuiyi,” Jun called out, his voice trembling with emotion.
“Are you really going to throw away seven years just like that? Without even a proper goodbye?”
Xuiyi’s heart constricted in his chest, his resolve instantly melting when he heard the pain of Jun’s words, the absolute broken heartache hitting him like a ton of bricks. He turned to face Jun, his eyes brimming with tears as he struggled to find the words to convey the pain in his heart.
“I… I wanted it to be as painless as possible,” Xuiyi admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to do it.”
Jun’s gaze softened, his eyes filled with a mixture of sadness and longing. “Do you still love me?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Xuiyi felt his resolve crumbling in the face of Jun’s vulnerability. He turned away for a moment, unable to bear the weight of the question. But when he looked back, his heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight before him.
In Jun’s outstretched hand, gleaming in the fresh rays of sunlight in the street, was an open ring box. Xuiyi’s breath caught in his throat as he realized what Jun had meant.
He did not mean it was a new year. We can put all of this behind us, he had meant to wait one more day, because this new year starts the rest of forever. But he had been too impatient, too sore inside to see past his own hurt.
His heart fell apart, and the sobs wouldn’t stop now.
Without a second thought, Xuiyi dropped his bag and ran back to Jun, throwing himself into his arms with abandon. Their tears mingled together as they held each other close, the weight of their shared pain melting away in the warmth of the morning.
As they kissed beneath the soft glow of the morning dawn, Jun pulled back slightly, his eyes searching Xuiyi’s for confirmation. “Does this mean yes?” he whispered, his voice trembling with hope.
Xuiyi nodded, his heart overflowing with love and knew exactly what Jun was going to say because he was Jun and he knew, even when Xuiyi never said it, just exactly what was in his heart.
“I won’t ever let you feel alone again,” Jun whispered, his words a promise filled with love and possibility.
Xuiyi nodded and leaned forward, kissing his fiancee again.
Chūnjié: Spring festival or Lunar New Year.
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