The quiet first minutes of the drive were supposed to calm me down, and for him to figure out what to say, or for him to figure what just happened. I knew what a surprised and confused person needed. Comfort, something I needed all my life, barely getting any... well it does not matter, no one could comfort me in this situation. I opened my mouth:“ You suck at following people. You should just keep your bodyguard job“ Maybe this was not comforting, well definitely, but I was honestly out of my mind. He tensed up asking:“ Do you know me.“ I glanced at him, not bothering to look into his eyes:“ I know who you are working for. That is enough for me to hate you.“ He smiled:“ That is a little harsh. Don't you agree?“ „ No, not really, there are hasher things out there in the world.“ I checked my camera, it seemed to look fine, the only thing in my possession that was fine. Looking out of the window, the familiar city is so unfamiliar to me now. :„ Why aren't you taking me to my house? You know the address.“ „ I can't answer unless I know why you got in the car. Why you met with him?“ I wanted to roll my eyes, I did not need to be asked about that by a complete stranger. „ I needed a ride, but if you won't take me to my house, stop the car right here or I will call the cops, I have a lot of evidence that you stalked me for a few days.“

He seemed to freak out when he heard the part with evidence so he stopped at a bus station. I exited fast, but I could see him parked nearby. He was persistent. Not that I cared. I looked at my phone,  my emails seemed to pile on in a short time, but I wanted to just check where exactly I was, how to get back home, and if any buses I knew drove by this bus station. I did not have that type of luck. I was to walk again, but my legs did not get enough rest and I was once again sweating buckets. But I had to go, my mind kept urging me to go on, that he had a car and could be close by. I was wobbling around as soon I passed two streets, my hands on the buildings next to me, I no longer could pinpoint where I was hurt. Dizzy, fuzzy, trying not to vomit again.  People were asking me if I was alright left and right, but I was too anxious to let them in, I wanted to believe that I was truly fine, but I knew I was not fine at the sightless. Resting on the side of the building next to the bus station, catching my breath. My phone kept ringing, I was looking at the location, so I saw who was calling me. I wished I had not seen it. My phone kept getting messages from Koji-kun, and Masaru-kun was trying to get me to pick it up. The professor kept sending me emails. What should I do, why are they doing this to me?  My legs gave up under me. Slowly descending, I was on the ground, heavy breathing, the sound of ringing next to my ear, the smell of coffee nearby, a  Night Jasmine in the garden... A wish that my life would be fine crumbled ...

Gathering courage I answered the phone call. „ Hello.“ „Where the fuck are you.“ I rubbed my head:“ Are you angry, Masaru-kun? I just showed them what your love for me meant.“ „ Fuck you. You are going to pay for this.“ „ Am I? You should have known that every action has it is consequences. It is time to face yours.“ „ You bitch, you ruined my life.“ „ I guess that makes us equal, at least I gave you a fighting opportunity. To be honest I am glad you are finally true with me. I can finally feel our connection properly.“ „ Are you crazy, joking at this time? “ “ Joking, me, never, just feeling I might fall in love with you now.“ I ended the phone call, laughing like a crazy madman. Tears were falling down, the snow was falling, and the white was surrounding me.   

I could not stand people staring at me, so I walked into a nearby ally, off the main road, it was a small and dirty street. But my legs were shaking more than before I could reach further. It was getting colder and colder. The light in the street was dim, and only white could be seen around me, it was snowing, it was beautiful, but it pained me, as my fingertips were scratching the floor, it was cold, so cold, my legs, were freezing. I felt like I was losing the ground under my legs. I looked at my phone, finally ready to read the messages. Ignoring angry messages from Masaru-kun, I looked straight at the ones Koji-kun sent. Is everything alright? Is it true? Call me. Yuki, pick up the damn phone. Everyone is freaking out. Did it even matter if I answered? My cold fingertips slowly wrote yes. What else was I supposed to say, that in fact, I am not fine, that I can't stop thinking about it, that I was so desperate, that I did it to take my revenge... when in fact nothing I would say would matter.

My emails were spammed by Professor Nam: „ Dear students, I did not have a chance to confirm the materials before the showcase today, so if anyone made a mistake please contact me.“ That was sent to so many people, and a solid 15 minutes later another was sent just to me:“ Dear student, I see that you are not on the list of attendance, I assume you are sick so I will present your photo.“  The next was obviously after the presentation: „ Dear student, I must know if these accusations are true. The photos highly disturbed us. If they are true I will help in legal actions.“ A small smile broke on my face I had someone on my side, it felt nice. Inoe-san sent me a video just as I finished reading the messages, with the caption:“ Is it true.“ I looked at it. The wide room and 100 people sitting, people were commenting on someone's photo, it looked like it was ending and Professor Nam spoke:“ The next photo was submitted today by Fukuyama Yuki, though he is sick and I will be the one to read what he wrote as essay answer.“  I could see what happened even before it happened but I wanted to watch it to the end. The photo was put on the projector and flashed on the white wall. It flashed everyone. The lighting was so good everything was visible, my face, was full of hurt, my body bruised, marks all over my body, and my hands tied over my head. It seemed like I was shaking. A big gasp echoed throughout the room. Professor Nam seemed shocked as well, as he hurried to open the list with an essay in it. His face darkened. He tried to take the photo out of the projector. But Inoe-san voice could be heard: „ Profesor Nam, I think we should discuss this photo. As it has a quite deep meaning and could even have more meaning if the essay of it is good.“  He looked at her, at the camera, realizing something, realizing that the photo was already filmed by multiple cameras, as well as the one in the classroom that was constantly on, he slowly spoke:“ What exactly does the photo tell you.“ She hummed: „ Assuming, that the scene in front of us was to represent unwanted sex or as we call it rape. It tells us the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. Like a cornered beast this was the last resolve they had.“ He hummed, looking if anyone else raised their hand to speak. But no one did, maybe too disturbed by what they were seeing, or maybe interested in seeing what the essay exactly says, professor started reading:“Dear colleagues, this is a photo that was taken yesterday, around 1 pm. Taken by the professional hand of Masaru Matsunaga.  He made sure I could tell you this story from experience. He took everything from me yesterday, but I wanted to share his reasons with you. Apparently, he loves me, which gave him permission to rape me. I hope you learn not to trust people, something I should have known.“ There were gasps, people raised from their chairs.  I stopped the video right there. The email made more sense, Professor Nam was under pressure to protect me. My actions caused an enormous reaction. I closed my eyes for a second, maybe two, I did not count.

I heard soft steps closing in. I opened my eyes, it was darker than a few moments ago. Seeing the two of you closing in, did you finally come? I wasn't really waiting.
But I knew that you would find me. As I stare at you, not uttering a word, feeling anger, hurt, empty, lonely. My hands shaking, my body trembling. I am so close to you, feeling like dying
Ironically, you are here, seeing only my first and last breaths
Yes, I figured things out some time ago. So I am not surprised that you found me
You say my name. But I do not respond. I don't know how many times you said it in your life, but it is the first time with so many emotions from you, I hate how smoothly it comes out as if you practiced. If you cared that much, why are you only appearing right now?
Do you know what I have been through? Of course, you do. Because you didn't want me to become a scandal, is that the reason you sent me your bodyguards, to help me, deal with it quietly, but just like you, I failed you

My only family, the one that left me first, you became an example for everyone else
You watch, your eyes saying that you understand, and you reach out with your soft hand, that hasn't lifted up anything heavy in years, do you really think you can hold onto me, and the burden I am carrying? Your mouth opens up again and again. And you say it:" Yuki", Yes it is snowing again, yes my eyes are crying. Your beautiful face comes closer. And you hug me, you aren't surprised at my flinch, or trembling, it doesn't hurt you as much as I wanted. I want to say it so badly, but you don't deserve to be called that.
I need a human,
“I don't need a mother like you.” She looked at me shocked, the bodyguard freezing next to her.

The world turned upside down, my head hurt, as my heavy eyes closed on their own. I felt light as a feather.