Opening my eyes to the bright light, cold white room, my eyes not adjusted to the light, made me a freak, I did not know where exactly I was, I tried to look around, but the soft sounds slowly became louder and louder, as if they were drowned by my mind, blue curtains on the side of windows, I noted them, they were only not white thing in the room, still it did not lessen the cold feeling of the room,  looking outside only to see snow covering the view, my breath hitches a bit seeing her there, sitting on the chair, her hair covering her face, she is asleep, praying... I could not stand to look at her for long, so I just watched out the window ... watching the snow keep on falling... losing myself in my own thoughts, the sounds around me drowned again...

I am freezing, I am living, it is cold, it is wrong. As my hands tremble, my teeth clench. All I can see is white on my body. Makes me remember things, I want to forget.
It is extremely cold and my hands are trying to warm me up. Touching myself never felt worse. As I remember this type of wrong warmth, is it better for me to freeze to death? You standing over me, touching me, grabbing every piece of innocence, squeezing it, and destroying it. Only to leave me as a used toy. For myself to deal with, picking pieces that I know no longer fit. You never said you were sorry, which makes it easier to blame you... Though I blame myself just as much, why couldn't I make you stop?

I am no longer myself, everything I once considered myself is gone, no innocence, no purity, no white, just guilt. I am still sitting on this floor covered with snow, waiting for her to leave, to stop trying, to abandon me again. Waiting for the white shine of snow to force my eyes to close. I don’t want to fight this losing battle. I learned how to deal with unpleasant things from you…

My dark thoughts are interrupted by a fresh breeze of air, rushing into the room. My eyes glance in the direction… of the white doors… only now I notice how the fancy furniture is decorating the room. She is still here, awake, startled by my gaze, trying to call me, trying to say things to me… but it is far too far for me to hear what she wants to say… it was always like this… it will be always like this.

My eyes glance back to the window, It is snowing so hard, not that I can clearly see those beautiful snowflakes. My eyes are too teary for that, as I am desperately ignoring You, the one sitting next to me. Ignoring the warmth of your hands on my own. I don't need it,
your poisonous comfort, your lies, that everything will be alright, that everything is fine, your warmth. Why did you even come here? To lessen your guilt?
How funny, I can't even blame you. Can't be angry at you. Cause I am blaming myself.
Cause I am angry at myself.

I wish I could turn back time. But then what? Could I change anything? These thoughts lead to blame. I blame myself for your wrongdoings… All I can hear are muffled callings…My name is being sung desperately, the trembling in the voice, the desperation…Almost like you are breaking, hah maybe it is just the last pieces of me, that are breaking, falling apart.

The white snow keeps piling on the window, obstructing my view. Making me unable to escape this room. Making me face you, someone I needed but never had.

Water drops, wet floor, your glass filled with water drops on the floor, Wet sheets, flowers on the ground. You spilled it all over the room, you knocked the flower vase behind you. Wet clothes, wet skin….

Tears of joy and hurt flow the face I didn't want to face, in a moment I wondered if I was looking at the mirror, feeling the tingle of my own tears, but trembling hands reaching out for me made it obvious it wasn't.

Flinching away was the easiest way to hurt them in return, I know it pains me too, but I can't let anyone soil me again.

Looking at your eyes, the uneasy feelings blossom… rage, hurt, want, but the storm stops, cause I can’t care anymore. Words came out of my mouth, slipping every barrier that tried to stop their escape. I am saying:” I am sorry.“ First. Yeah, I am the one who says it first. Before you can ask, what am I even sorry for? I keep on numbering things I am sorry for:“ I am sorry for not being enough.“ „I am sorry for not being worthy of you.“ „I am sorry for being your son.“„I am sorry for having your world completely turn around when you found out about me“ „I am sorry you didn't plan me.“ „I am sorry that you are now near me.“ „I am sorry that you have to see me.“ „I am sorry for causing the problem.“ „I am sorry for existing.“ „I am sorry for living.“ „I am sorry for these tears that you can see.“ „I am sorry for the smiles, you couldn't see.“„I am sorry for the pain, you caused me.“ I could not say I am sorry for the pain I will leave behind. „I am sorry, I can't thank you for anything.“ „I am sorry, I was doing better before I knew about you.“ „I am sorry I was happier before you came into my life.“ „Can you forgive me, Mother? “ I am sorry, for the way I said that word, filled with bitterness, disdain, distaste. You stare at me, shocked, trying to gather your thoughts. Will you apologize... I wondered, if you did, would that make me regret my life more... would it make you more human to me, well it did not matter, as you asked:“ How---„ I finished the question for you:“ How did I know. There was a time when our orphanage was understaffed, you probably remember that, anyway as the orphanage was struggling, the caregivers saw this as an opportunity to teach us how real jobs were, so we filled in positions of the caregivers. Meaning we had access to data we were not usually allowed. All  I had to do, was search for a person who started donating to orphanages around the date I was brought in. Your name popped up immediately. I was honestly more hurt than satisfied, it took me some time to calm down and think of the reason why you left me. Only you donated, no new male figures started donating for a few years. Meaning you would have been a single mother, but that was not the hardest thing for you, after all, I was a risk to your future to your job. Is that not it Miss Chiyo.“ I talked for too long and my mouth was dry, she saw it and tried to give me a glass of water, I needed it, but I had refused it. I no longer cared for what she did, if she did not see what I was waiting for she was a fool. She looked guilty as she spoke :“ You are right. I could not bring you up, but I could not bring myself to harm my child, all the other choices failed me, and only leaving was left. I regretted it for the rest of my life, I tried my best to ensure you had a good future, but I now see I failed there as well.“Even after hearing her out, I could not see her. She was searching for something in my eyes, she probably found something she did not want to see, as she ducked her head in shame:“ I am sorry, I don't know why you kept on apologizing for the things you had no control over, I want to tell you were never one to be blamed, I never blamed you. I wanted you, I wanted to love you, but I could not bring you into my family... there was no place for me with you there, I planned to adopt you when I got more successful, but I could not bring myself to suddenly insert myself into your life.“ I bitterly smiled: “So you waited until I got out of the orphanage, and kept tabs on me, sending people to follow me once you found me.“ “I am sorry, I thought maybe it was time... for some closure.“ „ Maybe, it was... but we will never know now.“ „ Why?“I answered:“ I am long dead... even my heart is skipping all over the place.“  She held onto my hands saying:“ No, you are still alive, You have me, I will fight for you, I will sue him.“ „ Will that repair me?“ a silence followed, she knew that no lie could make me believe her. I spoke again: “ You should have just left me on that street. You got yourself involved without a reason.“ She tried to comfort me, to make me want to live, but it only made me tired, tired of her, a person I tried to understand but I did not, she did not leave me with any other solution, all I could muster was: “it is time for you to leave me again.„ her eyes spilled the tears, it did not touch my heart, my eyes quickly darted from her hurt face... I did not want to accept her apology, I just wanted to be at peace with myself.

I was looking at the white snow, for such a long time, ignoring every little change nurses did to gather my attention. They could not get me to look at them, though they managed to lower my temperature. I felt better, but not alive. A rush of air swings the blue curtains, the open doors entrance to the flow of air. Looking at you, should I apologize? What a ridiculous thought, followed by a strange chuckle from my throat, a chuckle out of bitterness.