The rush of air swings the blue curtains. The open doors entrance to the flow of air.
Looking at you, my brain freezes, should I apologize? What a ridiculous thought, followed by a strange chuckle from my throat, a chuckle out of bitterness.

Might as well do it, I have nothing to lose, unlike you. Words exit my mouth, but there is no real feelings backing them up:” I am sorry”. You look at me confused, we both probably think the same. We are both right, I have lost it, everything that belonged and did not belong to me.

As I am first to say sorry, to apologize I kept on saying things I wanted to hear from you: ”I am sorry, I ruined your life.” And things I regret: ”I am sorry for calling you here.”
“I am sorry that you felt sexually attracted to me.”

“I am sorry for not giving you consent.” Bitter tears flow down my cheeks, thinking about everything. While you tried to devour me, I got stuck here, in time and place. All I can do is feel sorry for myself, for everyone, actually even you.

But what about you, did you come because you felt guilty, because you felt sorry, by the look in your eyes? I would say no.  It is just as difficult to read you, as it was then… I did not try to understand you then and I paid the price for it, I will not try to understand your gaze now, cause there is nothing to lose for me.

This time you are not even hiding it. You came up with a resolution, the same one I would have feared in the past. But now, I can even talk while you do what you came here for.

I can't break free, but I am calm, my chained body remembers that feeling as I say: ”You can hurt me, but I won't feel the pain.” Your hands can touch me, but I can't feel anything, your lips travel across my body. Your hands touch my cold hands. Your pretty smile becomes a grin. Same grin as that afternoon's. It is around the same time.

Is that why the sun shines the same way over your head, as you make marks all over my body while being on top of me. I feel sorry, that you are enjoying this, the love you claimed ended up hurting someone the love you know only does that, it is sad just like your existence.

As you thrust yourself, are you doing your best to hurt me?
I am sorry to tell you this you are currently just a product of my imagination. This is what you made me do.

My arms dig into my own flesh, drawing blood, breaking this illusion, that was not intentional, a coincidence, I am thankful for, even if it hurts, it hurts less… I think so.

I must have been screaming, seeing how the doors franticly open. Another person I did not want to see entered. To think you would be the last. Ironic, or maybe not. I looked at you the most. I had feelings for you. I realized them late, but I realized them either way. Now I might as well give up on them. All I can manage of myself, are thoughts about you. While I watch those beautiful brown locks of hair fly as you come in a rush, that cute smile and small nose, unfortunately, there is no smile today, the beauty marks under your left eye draw my remaining attention. How often I wished to see you first thing in the morning.

Yet now you came at the end of my day. The sun makes the sky pink, and the lack of it makes it black, my favorite colors, the lack of sun hides these red marks on my body. Hides the tears I spent, making this damp pillow colder, I am glad you can’t see all that actually, it makes me less emotional.
As I am getting ready to apologize once again. Saying things I wanted, and conveying the message was not my intention, I just wanted to free myself from every shambles currently chaining me down.
“I am sorry for liking you. No, I am sorry for loving you. Without telling you anything
I am sorry, that you couldn't get what I was trying to show you.”

“I am sorry for becoming your friend.”
“I am sorry for touching with my hopes up, there was nothing pure in those touches,
even simple hugs were a way I would use to bring your smell to me. I am sorry, I couldn't get enough of it. That is why I desperately tried to hang around you, and try to get along with your friends. That is why, you thought I stole one of your best friends, even when the other stole everything from me, that is why you couldn't believe me, that is why I couldn't believe you. You don’t need to say anything, I could read it from your eyes.”

“I am sorry you were my first pureness, even if wanted more, I want to say, you never once hurt me. But I can't no longer lie, nor deny the truth.
He broke me, he made my heart break first, but you followed in his steps, he soiled me completely, but you never did anything I expected from you, alas my expectations were something you couldn't accomplish.”

“You didn't know, how your sweet voice filled with ignorance or disinterest, maybe you knew everything, maybe you played with me the whole time. Maybe, I should apologize for accusing you of this. I always wanted to ask you: Can't you see me? Can't you understand me? Funny, I expected you to understand while knowing you are the most dense person I met.

The night has come. My eyes are heavy. Cold, the room feels cold. You are gone, the moon is so high, I must have zoned out, there are new bandages on my tights, the sensation only kicking once I see it. I am alone, I am free, to stand, to walk, to pull on those ugly curtains. Blue curtains fall on the floor, I open the window. White snowflakes fall on my nose,
And instantly melt as I breathe out.
For the last time.

Remembering :

Sun glowing brightly.

Flowers that bloomed beautifully on the ground,

now, covered with pure white snow. Just like the wind time flies

Carrying seasons away

Time flies, things change

Snow comes and goes

White, blue, cold, pure
Becomes, green, purple, taint
Then yellow, red, ripe
And in the end, orange, brown

Gone, that is the last part
Winter, spring, summer, fall
Those things come and go
Words are spoken, yet unheard

It rains too often over this place
People I never expected
Come here too often
I guess it is eating them from the inside

A little bit late though
I wish I could say that to them
I wish I could yell at them for being a fool
I am a fool too.

Because I keep thinking that would actually change something
I am a fool for getting myself here
No longer able to feel anything but regret

Tears fall down,
But those are unworthy to be called tears
So I call them rain
As it falls down on dirt surrounding

White tulips, watering them, making them grow to cover grass under
my favorite Night Jasmine tree,
Where I lay forever,

Long gone, with no chance to return
No matter how much I wanted to
I wish that I would be at least
Able to try to fix it

But that isn't an option...
Life simple isn't fair
There is no meaning to it
Just like this poem tells this story

I wish it could change things,
But it couldn't

Now I must do this, to step forward, to forget my life, to be done with all of my regrets. Before they can stop me. Before I think about the useless things she said. What exactly would I gain if I pressed charges on him? I lost everything and there is nothing I can get back. One unsteady step forward… my hair is getting tossed by the cold wind, I breathe out, my last scream, a scream of joy, a scream of freedom… flying to my demise… my most blessed end…