"If you tell me you miss Yami again, I'm going to come down there and flick your nose."

"But-"

"Listen, Yami is a jealous freak and we're better off without him. Don't."

My eyes were closed as I laid on the couch this early morning. I'd made it as far as the living room before I got too tired. I'd made another attempt to make breakfast for Tetsu. I tried. So, I'd laid on the couch, and called Nobu to have someone to talk to. Always the early riser, Nobu had already been up for several hours, practicing his guitar. He may have been more obsessed with his instrument than I was with mine. His guitar's name is Lily. 

I just waited for him to speak again. Whenever he had a complaint, he couldn't stop talking about it until he had a different complaint. I liked to listen to him rant about random things. But this complaint was entirely different than the others. Complain to me about how your order was late from a restaurant, or how they didn't have your favorite D string in stock. Don't talk to me about Yami.

After a while, he started again. 

"You don't know this, but at one of the last band meetings we had at your apartment, Yami was too mad to come inside the door. So, I made an excuse and went for a walk with him. Do you remember that?"

"I remember that. I thought your excuse was weird. 'I need to go walk my dog'. That's the worst lie I've ever heard in my life." I would have laughed if this weren't so serious. Who the hell says 'I need to go walk my dog' when your dog is miles away?

"I didn't know what to say. I had to run after him. I didn't want to be rude, because Shizue was trying to come back. I didn't want to scare her off."

"What was Yami mad about?"

I just waited. I already knew. I just wanted to hear him say it. A confirmation. I heard nothing on the other end of the line for several minutes. I felt a small weight press onto the couch at my feet. My eyes opened, and I strained to look. A fluffy, black cat was there, making to step on me, one paw raised. 

She was Cocoa Bean, Tetsu's mom's cat. I welcomed the company, a small smile spreading on my face. 

"You know what he was mad about, Sana-chan. Don't pretend."

"Yeah."

"He's always done that. He's always been jealous of how you looked at Aurelia. Remember that time when you went to try to buy a CD because of the extras they were offering with it? How excited you were about that poster? He just totally tore that happiness away from you, that time. He's always been like this. We just were trying to ignore it. Everyone has their flaws, but I hate that about him. How he treats you. He claims to be your friend? What kind of friend tears down their friend that bad about buying a CD?"

"It wasn't just Aurelia."

"That's right. I know. It was every artist you focused on for a while. And on that day, he said he couldn't stop himself. He wanted to go in there and fight Tetsu."

"Why?"

He sighed. No pause this time. "Don't pretend. You really didn't hear that he thinks he can do a better job of taking care of you than Tetsu? He has no idea how well Tetsu takes care of you. He isn't reading Tetsu's blog. I read it every day, for updates. He's not only taking care of you, but he's taking care of our fans, too, by updating them so they don't worry and cause a fuss. I don't think Yami would take the time to do that. I'm so grateful, because, even with everything going on, Tetsu is still so considerate and updates everybody. And you know what? I'm so glad we got rid of Yami's policy about not telling anyone. That wasn't fair to you, either. I think it made you work too hard. If the fans had known, I think they'd have been a little more sympathetic."

He was ranting now. Telling his real opinion, unable to help himself. When he really got into it, he couldn't help but tell the truth. He was talking too fast to think up lies.

I admit, I had been looking at our fan made community forum. Some of Tetsu's fans had joined in, in solidarity. I thought that was nice. They were trying to get to know who I am all the time, making posts, asking Little Stars about me. They wanted to know who Tetsu is very publicly dating. My Little Stars were always so kind about me. Singing my praises to make me look my best. Every time Tetsu posted an update on his blog, Little Stars would flock to it and repost it in the forum, in case someone hadn't seen it. They even would translate the posts into English, and sometimes Spanish, too. They had no idea I was reading every word they said. Honestly, it gave me more encouragement than they could ever know. Even though our band was on hiatus and we were giving them nothing, they were giving me so much.

Tetsu's posts were always saying "my boyfriend" this, and "my boyfriend" that, too. He didn't try to hide it at all. It warmed my heart. And it drove the fans crazy. They thought we were adorable.

"I like our fans. They're so nice about what's happening."

He paused at this interruption. A slight one. "Yes, I know they're being nice now. But remember when they used to complain about canceled performances? And how Yami used to blame you? Always with 'did you forget to take a medication today?' or 'I don't think you should have had that cookie'. As your medical proxy person, he should have known better than anyone that none of that was your fault. I used to get so mad whenever he said shit like that. Such as, with the cookie thing, I wanted to give you another cookie in secret just to spite him. Who the hell shames someone over a cookie? It's just a cookie!"

A smile spread on my face as I felt Cocoa Bean finally traveling up my legs with her slight weight, careful steps. 

"To be fair, those cookies advertised themselves as healthy. I should have looked at the package to check their sugar content."

Another pause. Then a long, long sigh. "No, it's not your fault, Sana-chan. If there's one thing I've learned from Tetsu, and I've learned a lot, is that none of this is your fault at all. Your disease does this regardless of what you eat. You know that. One cookie should not make a difference. And if it did, I think it was just coincidence. Who the hell cares if we were invited to a live show in Nagoya if your health is in jeopardy? What's more important? Why did he think it was okay to blame you for missing that show?" He made an angry noise of frustration. 

"It was so long ago, though."

"That doesn't make it okay."

Oh. I had no words for that. I was a little shocked. My lack of words was creating a pause. Cocoa Bean settled on my stomach, laying down into a kitty loaf position, making herself comfortable. My other hand found her fur, and she pressed her little kitty head into it. My smile became a grin. 

He continued, hearing I had nothing to say. "And on that day, when he couldn't even come inside. How can he blame you for all of this and at the same time claim he can take better care of you? Where was he when you needed to be taken care of so long ago?"

"Nobu." That last sentence he said. 

"We were the ones who took care of everything, not Yami. I was the one taking care of Yami the day he couldn't come inside. He can't even take care of himself! How is he supposed to take care of you?!" His heavy, angry breathing was filtering into the phone. Just what had happened between them that day? 

I remembered that day. It was a couple of days before Tetsu and I had left for his parents' house in late November. I had prepared the Korean barbecue grill on the table for everybody. Prepared the meats, the little Korean side dishes, cut up the vegetables. So meticulous. Shizue was visiting, that's all I knew. I wanted to prepare something special. Tetsu kept sneaking the vegetables away one by one, enjoying the soy sauce and sesame oil mixture I'd soaked them in. I thought that was so cute. He thought I didn't see him. 

I was so happy to see Shizue. It had been so long. Just remembering us in our twenties, secretly going to host club bars and never saying a word to the rest of our band, who were referred to as "the boys". Such as, "don't tell the boys we're going to out tonight." And, "don't tell the boys how much money I spent last night, holy shit." Those times early in the morning when we'd stayed up all night partying, then seeing host club boys board our train, and it was so easy to tell who they were. We'd look at each other, almost nose to nose, and secretly giggle together at how cute they were. 

I felt like Shizue had superseded Yami as my best friend at the time. Because Shizue was not always Shizue. Shizue had been Eiichi, a fact she wasn't unproud of. Someone who was just like me. We'd talk about our boy crushes late at night. I'd go over to her apartment and we'd put on a trashy show and we'd do our nails, and sometimes I'd dye her hair. And one night in late 2010, she told me she preferred the name Shizue, and was so scared, but she trusted me because she thought I was gay. I'd corrected her, told her I'm bisexual, and she'd apologized. And through long conversations, I'd told her, in order to protect herself, she should go pursue her best life without us.

But now, she was coming back! And everyone loved and respected her as she is now. And she'd get to meet Tetsu. I was dying for them to know each other. The support they could show each other... Tetsu needed someone like Shizue. If only I could get Tetsu to tell her about himself.

However... I never got the chance.