"So you want me to kiss him for your general entertainment?" I asked, sitting on my shaking hands.

My heart was thumping in my chest, did Vanessa have any idea how much I actually wanted this?

"As an actor, you'll probably end up kissing plenty of guys for parts, so you might as well get used to it."

Susan and her boyfriend Caspian stifled a laugh, whilst Paul just looked at me with an amused grin. He was most probably straight but clearly comfortable enough with himself to not consider this a big deal.

The same could not be said for me, however. I'd fantasized about a moment like this for forever. To make matters worse, Paul had been the center of my fantasies for the past few weeks.

My palms were sweaty and my cheeks were burning. Had the others noticed? Had Paul? Would it be suspicious if I chickened out?

Or even more so, if I didn't?

I leaned forward and carefully kissed Paul's lips. I was about to pull away when the small crowd cheered.

"C'mon, give 'em a proper snog," Caspian said, in a horrible attempt at a British accent.

That's when Paul gently cupped my face with both hands and teased my lips apart with his tongue. Soon I was lost in his scent, the softness of his hands, and the oxytocin flooding my brain.

Our onlookers shouted encouragement but I could hardly hear them. Without realizing it, I'd grabbed Paul's hair in an attempt to stop him from pulling away.

When he finally let go, he looked at me with a raised eyebrow. Did he know? Was he going to freak? Fuck, was he going to tell the others?

He surprised me by saying, "If this was an audition, I'd definitely give you the part."

I considered myself considerably lucky, where I grew up was a haven.

For starters, the church my parents took me to on Sundays was very open-minded. When one of our members came out as transgender, our entire community showed up for Pride to show support.

Our school was a relatively safe space and my parents made a point of never using any kind of discriminatory language around me and my three brothers.

Yet, every time I considered telling anyone that I might not exactly be straight, I stopped myself at the last moment.

What if it wasn't true? What if I was only curious?

What would happen if I ended up wanting to be with a girl after all? Wouldn't I have made a lot of drama and difficulty for the people around me for nothing?

I decided that I wouldn't commit until I was more sure. That's how I ended up graduating high school with my "innocence" completely intact.

My arents saw a future for me that they hadn't dared imagine for themselves, but the only thing I ever wanted to do with my life was become an actor.

At school I was known as the kid who could quote whole scenes from movies and TV shows and in the privacy of my room, I'd practice Shakespeare.

My love for acting was no secret but when it came to telling my parents that I wanted to pursue it professionally, I simply couldn't.

Luckily, my brothers staged an intervention. Before I knew what the fuck was happening, I was starting my first term at The New York Acting Academy.

I was finally in a place where I felt I belonged, I even found a best friend in a matter of days. Vanessa and I bonded over our mutual love for indie sci-fi and smores.

Everything was easy until Paul showed up a week after school had already started.

I couldn't get the kiss out of my mind and every time I looked at Paul, I felt... guilty.

He'd started behaving differently around me. Not a bad kind of different, just not like it was before.

I had a deep, gnawing feeling that he knew. I was convinced that he'd figured out that what was supposed to be a silly game, for me meant so much more.

Yet he said nothing.

Not to our classmates and most definitely not to me. It was driving me crazy that I didn't know what he was thinking. I hated that I considered his opinion of me so important.

At least he wasn't spreading rumors and I decided that he must be a decent guy. Someone else could easily have made this very difficult, maybe even intolerable.

Could we still be just friends?

One rainy afternoon, Paul and I were paired off to do an improvisation exercise. He took me to a far corner of the room and said, "We need to talk."

"Ok," I breathed.

"I've been thinking about how to approach this, but I guess I'll just say it."

Crap!

"Did we make you do something against your will the other night?" he asked.

"What?! No, of course not."

He breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Ok, good. Because all this time, I've been worried that it might've been your first time."

"It was," I said without thinking.

"Holy fuck! I stole your first kiss?!" Paul said in shocked panic.

I couldn't bear for him to think that he'd done anything wrong, so I blurted out, "It's OK... I wanted to kiss you."

Fuck! Did I really just say that out loud?!

"Does Vanessa know that you're...?" he asked calmly.

"No!" I said strongly. "No one knows. I'm not even quite sure... I mean..."

"Listen," Paul said. "You don't owe anyone an explanation until you figure things out. Even then its none of their business."

"How are you so cool about this?" I asked, honestly curious.

Paul didn't have a chance to answer, as Mr. Keane asked us to present our piece.

"We don't have anything prepared!" I hissed at Paul, who was already walking towards the center of the room.

"I have an idea," he said. "Be ready to ask me what you really want to know."

"The floor is yours, gentlemen," Mr Keane said, holding his chin. He was strict but an excellent instructor.

Paul started to walk funny before dropping himself to the floor. He slurred his speech slightly and said, "I don't think I should be playing 'never have I ever' in my current state but... fuck it!"

Holy shit! What a brilliant idea.

I sat down on the floor next to him and poured a shot into two imaginary glasses. I handed him one and pretended to think really hard.

Paul was spinning slightly to further highlight his mock drunkness. He grinned at me, waiting for me to start the game.

"Ok," I said. "Never have I ever ratted out a sibling."

Paul's brow scrunched at the question but he didn't break character.

"I don't have a sibling," he said with a goofy giggle.

I drank my entire non-existent shot and pulled the face people usually do when drinking pure vodka.

"My turn," Paul slurred. "Never have I never... I mean... ever. Did I say ever?"

He started to laugh. Fuck, he was really good at this.

"Never have I never played a game that got me into trouble," he said before swallowing a burp.

We both took our invisible shots.

I suddenly realized this show was actually for my benefit. He told me to ask what I really wanted to know. Considering this was an acting exercise, he probably thought he could answer without consequence.

But how would I ask without implicating myself?

I pretended to be slightly drunk after my two shots and said, "Never have I ever been with a guy."

Suddenly, his eyes sparkled as if I'd figured out the point of his game.

He didn't wait for me to drink, instead taking his glass. He tossed it back... twice! 

Holy fuck! What did that mean? Two separate guys or a threesome? And here I thought he was straight.

Then Paul tipped over and pretended to fall asleep to indicate the scene was over. The other students gave us a round of applause and Mr. Keane gave his feedback.

All I cared about, however, was a smiling Paul sitting across from me.

It wasn't until the day was done, that I got a chance to talk to Paul again.

The performance triggered a lot of speculation and our classmates wanted to separate fact from fiction, especially Josh.

"Can we grab a coffee sometime?" I asked, having finally scraped up the courage to make an actual move.

"No," he answered plainly.

My face immediately fell.

"I'm kidding!" he said with a laugh. "But can my girlfriend come?"

"Huh?" I asked in surprise.

"Dude, still joking!" he said, checking his phone. "I have a dentist appointment but please DM my Insta, OK."

"Sure," I said, even though I wasn't.

Paul was just about to walk down the subway stairs, when he stopped and said, "There's a tiny coffee shop called 'March' next to Central Park. See you there at eight, before class?"

"Sure!" I said, this time I definitely was.

A hand grabbed my arm and I almost jumped out of my skin. I turned to find Vanessa grinning at me.

"Did it work?" she asked. "Did he finally ask you out?"

"What the fuck?! You knew!" I yelled, now standing still and staring daggers at her.

"Oh, c'mon. You've literally been fawning over him for weeks. I'm neither blind nor stupid."

"But, how the hell did you know that he... what the actual fuck, Vanessa?!" I seethed.

"Paul had a little fling with Caspian's friend Allen a while ago," she said with a shrug.

"So the game, the kiss, it was all a setup?"

How was I so naive?

"I think the words you're looking for are 'thank you, Vanessa.' It wasn't exactly easy to convince Paul to join our little soiree."

This entire situation was so utterly fucked up but admittedly, she'd managed to get me exactly where I wanted to be.

I was having coffee... with Paul!

"You batshit crazy bitch, I can't believe you did this! I absolutely adore you!" I said, air kissing her cheeks.

"Holy fuck! There actually is a sassy queen living inside you! I knew it!"

I hated the fact that I was a few minutes late, this city was so hard to navigate.

But then I saw Paul sitting in front of the window, smiling at a stray cat. He was waiting for me and I still couldn't believe it.

I rushed inside and got two coffees, even though I knew he already had one. I pretended to be surprised that he was already there.

"What did you get me?" he asked, inviting me to sit at the small round table.

"I figured you for a no-bullshit tall Americano with an extra shot," I said, handing him the cup.

"Holy shit, how did you know?!" he said, staring at me in surprise.

"It's my special talent. I'm a coffee whisperer," I said, pleased at how easily the conversation was flowing.

He leaned in and said, "Don't tell anyone... but on the inside, I'm just a fluffy non-fat cappuccino."

It was not lost on me that his finger "accidentally" brushed against the side of my hand. Why was my natural urge to pull away?

"So, coffee whisperer. Why don't you tell me a bit about... you," he said, leaning his chin on both palms.

His eyes sparkled as I told my story.

Nobody had ever looked at me like that before. At first, the undivided attention made me uneasy but I quickly started to crave more of it.

Neither of us realized that we were already half an hour late for class, when our coffees were finished and my origin story was told.

"This was nice," I said. "Can we do it again sometime?"

"No," he replied, again with a straight face.

I still wasn't comfortable enough to assume that he was kidding, so I waited for him to say it.

"I'd like to take you out..." he said with a wicked grin. "...of your comfort zone, that is."