Ravi
So, my cousins had just moved into their new house in Goldpeak...

...and things were going okay. Except for my aunt's husband, Perry. Big guy, green pants, white shirt. Talked like a New Yorker with a mouthful of peanut butter. He was drinking a lot, and acting really messed up. When my cousin was six, he made the kid inhale an entire fart, on his birthday. Then he told him to blow out his candles so it'd make a flamethrower. Last week, he vomited all over the walls in his room, and made him clean it up. He was wearing a chicken suit the entire time. When my cousin complained, he said:

Perry
Hey, it's just a joke, kid! Not my fault you don't know what's funny.

I was like, NOT impressed with his "apology". Anyway, Perry was on the hook for attempted murder, and even Polina's lawyers couldn't do anything about it. Perry said he was in a knife-juggling competition, and somebody hiccuped. I had a theory: Perry worked in a Ponko factory, and it was likely that he was suffering from brain damage and delirium.

[Yuna
Do you guys collect Ponkos too?

Lanzo
(Geeking out.) Oh my god, I have, like... seven! When this is done, we are SO talking about it.

Thor
(Humble-bragging.) I, uh. May have a couple of them myself.]

Plastic toys like that are usually made using harsh chemicals, which humans aren't supposed to be handling, least of all dumping into the environment – but that's another story. Toxic fumes have dangerous effects, sometimes permanently, and he'd been back from work THE DAY BEFORE the stabbing. All he had to do... was plead guilty. That way, he could apply for Worker's Compensation, get medical help, and psychotherapy. But Perry was the king of his household, and he had one card up his sleeve... he was impossibly stubborn. The day he budges is the day he dies.

[Garland
Oh good, does he die in this story?

Ravi
I wish.

Aurion
Sshh! Don't ruin the flow. You're the speaker, you can't be a commentator too!

Ravi
(Eyes narrowed.) Fine.]

Ahem. But though Perry was the king, he was doomed. Shortly after the news of his charges, Perry began to get sick. He developed a terrible pain in his stomach, swelling in his limbs, a stiff neck, headaches, and worst of all... terrible gas.

[Amira
Gross.

Yuna
Super gross.

Thor
More like hilarious. He so deserves it!]

Every night, he would groan in pain... nobody could sleep until he did, which was always late at night. This was bad for my aunt Polina, and my cousin Kroeger; but it was even worse for my big cousin Krainer, and her year-old daughter, Bratwurst.

[Amira
That's not a real name.]

Yeah, that's actually her name. I dunno, these guys kind of just made sausage their entire personality. A lot of people do that with bacon, but like... sausage? Really? Anyway. If the baby can't sleep, the mama can't sleep. End of story.

[Lanzo
Oh, thank God.]

Sorry, figure of speech. There's more. Krainer was just finishing high school, but she wanted to be a doctor, so she could help her baby if she ever got sick. So she punched Perry's symptoms into the internet search engine, but she couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong. So one day, she watched him. In the morning, he woke up and played video games. He left dirty socks and food garbage on the couch. At noon, he left to buy himself a big coffee, a sub sandwich, and a raw pizza from Pancoasters (to be baked for dinner). She noticed he had some gut trouble and gas, but nothing serious. The coffee had cream and sugar. The sub sandwich had meatballs and tomato sauce. What was causing this sickness? She decided it had to be one of the two: meat, or cheese.

That evening, she watched him eat the pizza. It was a double-layered cheeseburger pizza... on top of the first set of toppings was an identical layer of more. Pickles, beef, tomatoes, and cheese... but this time, they forgot the beef! That night, Perry got so sick, he DIDN'T go to sleep. Neither did anyone else, not even Bratwurst. All anyone could hear was Perry horking and puking, then shitting and squirting, then back again, sometimes without flushing in-between.

[Yuna
I'm gonna be sick.

Garland
(Arms crossed.) Toilet humor isn't funny.

Thor
(Laughing.) Speak for yourself!

Lanzo
(Grinning.) Is it weird if I keep picturing a chubby little sausage, wrapped up in a baby blanket?]

The next day, Bratwurst cried for twelve hours straight. Then finally, she fell asleep. Krainer's baby was gonna be nocturnal if this kept up. She was certain now... Perry was lactose intolerant. She walked right up to him and asked, and he admitted it!

Perry
I just take these antacids every night, I'm fine. Completely fine. Better than ever, in fact. Even my shit smells better, and I've been pretty close lately. It's good, it's got a good huff to it.

[Lanzo
(Laughing.) Oh, shit. That's the funniest thing I've heard all night.

Giggles from everyone.

Garland
(Rolling his eyes, taking a drink.) Eh, only the first time you hear it.]

Perry laughs at his own joke, and Krainer stares him down. She can't believe what she's hearing, and doesn't find it funny in the slightest.

Krainer
(Angry.) Those are for when you have too much acid! Your PROBLEM is that you can't DIGEST what you EAT. You're not fine, you get so sick nobody can SLEEP. Also, YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING, and it's ALL ANYBODY IN THIS HOUSE CAN SMELL!!

Perry
Sheez, kid, just use some spray or something.

Krainer
YOU'RE supposed to do that YOURSELF!! I can't! I don't have time to babysit both you AND my ACTUAL CHILD!!

Perry
I don't see what you want me to do about it.

Krainer
Just stop eating dairy! You're hurting yourself and everyone else!

Perry
(Agitated.) Don't tell me what I can and can't eat. You're not the boss of me. YOU live under MY ROOF!

Krainer
Look, I get that it tastes good, but I'll even quit with you if it helps. We'll get mom to go vegan again, or at least milk-free, so you won't miss out-

Perry
I don't need this 'diet' crap, I need regular crap! Out of my thick, meaty ass. Now make way, I've got a hankerin' for some chili cheese dogs.

Perry pushed her out of the way, and went to the fridge. He got himself a pair of leftover chili cheese dogs. And a sandwich. And a big piece of black forest cake, and a scoop of ice cream, with whipped cream on top.

Perry
(Reveling with an unguilty smile.) Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

Krainer
(Squinting.) Are you for real right now...

Perry
Nothin' realer. Help yourself! It's really good. By the way, I have good news. You remember that guy from NECRO Gas?

Krainer
(Confused.) The... skinny old dude?

Perry
Well he wants ME for a case, among the world's top lawyers, to fight for the company. Even said so himself! I remember it like it was yesterday... because it was...

A wavy flashback takes us to the moment.

Heinz
Perry, do you remember the company that owns Ponkos?

Perry
Doesn't Ponkos own Ponkos?

Heinz laughs heartily, hands on his belly.

Heinz
Now that's a good joke! I haven't heard one of those in a while. You're a very funny man, Perry.

He slaps Perry on the back, and Perry smiles a little.

Heinz
You see, it's actually NECRO Gas that owns the toy company that side-arms Ponkos – they're on the same side of the company tree as manufacturing, so it only makes sense to own distribution, as well.

Perry
Like a monopol-

Heinz quickly covers Perry's mouth, and shushes him with a gentle finger.

Heinz
Yeah, don't say it out loud. We prefer to say "keeping it in the family".

Heinz steps back again, reserved once more. Perry nods, eyes squinted, dimly understanding.

Perry
Like inces-

Heinz
(Cutting him off.) WE just want to stop the spread of these malicious rumors that we in the industry don't follow safety protocols. You're non-union, right?

Perry
No, I'm in a union.

Heinz
Oh, gross. I mean- great! We love unions, I guess. (For the duration of this conversation.)

Perry
What was that?

Heinz
Nothing. Anyway, we're aware that our product and its byproducts are dangerous at... certain levels. But this non-citizen foreigner claims that we let our employees take all that poison for us, like hapless sponges!

Perry
You mean, uh, 'product'.

Heinz
Right, 'product'. How many times, really, have you EVER been asked to disregard procedure to finish a job, or worked in an environment where dangerous chemicals were at an unsafe level?

Perry
All the time. I've gotten into fights with my foreman over it. I'm usually the person who sticks up for the guys over safety.

Heinz
I think you mean...

Perry
Oh! Uhh... never?

Heinz
Very good. Stick to that story and you'll be done with those whole mess before Christmas. By the way, what do you think about a bonus?

Perry
I'm actually married, sir, but thank you. That's very flattering.

Heinz
I meant more money.

Perry
(Excited.) Aw sweet, I love money!

[Thor
Is this actually what they said?]

Yeah, Perry was very candid about the whole conversation. I'm not sure he understands the lack of shame, or if he just thinks he's earned his way out of it.

Krainer
It sounds like he's using you to protect his company's reputation, and denying you a chance to get medical help.

Perry
They're not denying anything! I don't NEED help cause nothing was ever wrong... in the first place. Those unsafe chemicals of levels, uh, the unsafe leveled chemicals... well, they were actually very safe. For me. That's why I'm so healthy!

Perry winked at her, grabbed a can of beer from the fridge, and went back to eating his pizza, cake and ice cream... beer poured on top. Krainer's theory had fully formed: Perry's bad habits were obviously a sign of stunted development, caused by neurotoxic chemical exposure and allowed by his disabling corporate environment. He couldn't moderate himself if he wanted to.