Half an Hour Later, at the Arab Express

Lawke and Murphy open the door for Ravi. She walks in to find Aurion and Garland getting shawarma, with a third plate at an empty seat. On another table, the chef sets down two more shawarma, and comes back twice with a tray of drinks until everyone has a full meal in front of them. Lawke and Murphy take the smaller table, so Ravi takes the seat next to Garland and Aurion. Cheesy nineteen-seventies rock plays on the radio. In the year 2066, that's more than classic – it's a relic.

Aurion
Is everything to your liking, Ravi?

Ravi
Uhh...

The plate before her has a veggie wrap and fries, with caesar dressing. The drink is a Melon Spritz.

Ravi
Almost. I try to stay away from bread, and I definitely don't do milk.

Aurion
Noted, but there's no milk in there.

Ravi
Caesar dressing has milk, and sometimes egg.

Garland
(Annoyed.) You can just shut up and stop being so fucking picky.

Aurion
No, she's right. A king must know his subjects. Imam!

Imam
Yes?

Aurion
My friend here needs something else-

Ravi
The fries are fine. I have a lunch back at school. I'll give the wrap to my mom.

Aurion
Never mind. Thanks, Imam.

Chef Imam rolls his eyes, wipes his mustache with his sleeve, and goes back to slicing the meat on his rotating spire.

Garland
(Clapping.) Another fine theatrical moment, brought to us by the universal stick-in-the-mud, Ravi Romanov. The kid who can never just GO with the damn FLOW.

Ravi glares at Garland, silent.

Aurion
Today, we're gonna listen to Garland. Because he's right, you never listen to anyone but yourself, and you always stop the moment's traffic, so to speak.

Ravi
And this counts for our deal?

Aurion
This... is vital to storytelling. Everyone knows a conversation needs equal participation. Otherwise, it's a monologue. Garland?

Garland
Yeah. Okay. So you know who I'm talking about here. This is the story of my brief vacation... with the legendary Carl Steelham.

Ravi's eyebrows furrow, and her jaw drops.

Garland
Like I said, you know him. So it was the first week of school...

...and I'd just found myself waking up every morning with white hair and sharp teeth. Not something I'd ever expect, by the way, but I'm not gonna lie. It's kind of like one of my favourite animes, so it's basically a dream-come-true for me. And it beats my old body, the one with twenty snaggle-teeth. I got made fun of so bad, I wanted to jump over a rocky waterfall. Surprisingly, I look pretty much like I used to. Curly hair, but spikier. Still skinny and muscular, still have an eight-inch-

[Ravi
Okay, that's enough bragging.]

This is MY story, shut it.

[Aurion
Garland, I agree. Move it along.]

Fine. So I'm sitting in class, when the loudspeaker calls a name:

Public Announcement
Can Garland Romanov please come to the office? Garland Romanov?

I got up, and went to the office. That's when I met the man himself, Carl Steelham. He tells me to pack my stuff, and help him find my house, so I can grab some clothes. I knew the second I laid eyes on him... that he was a cool guy. Short black hair, black goatee, leather biker jacket, dark eyes, this sort of smirk that never seems to leave his face, but it never feels condescending. Just the coolest dude under the roof, anywhere he goes. I was stoked.
I hop in his truck, we go home, and I pack up a couple outfits. I decided to leave my hat. Truth is, before I turned white, I was going bald. I told everyone my uncles burnt it off as a prank, but I was waking up every morning to find my eyebrows on my pillow. Was I gonna hide my sick new white 'do under cotton? No way. I came upstairs, and my Aunt Polina is looking at Carl all funny. I asked her why, she said nothing. It was Friday, she said "have a good weekend". Guy I've never met shows up out of nowhere, grabs the wrong kid, and my aunt says "okay"? Something was fishy. There was a distinct aquatic musk about the situation, okay?

So we drive to Starleaf, and we get a hotel room. Then he takes me to the movies, and we watch this pirate flick. 'No Man's Bay', third movie in the 'No Man's' series, this one's set in Arabia. And Carl, he's really into this movie. At one point, there's a big sword fight, and Carl actually cheered, out loud, for the pirates. It was cool, I liked the enthusiasm. I started cheering too, other people joined in-

[Ravi
YEAAHH! Haha.]

Hey, shut up.

[Ravi
I was just-]

No, I listened to your dog shit story. Now it's my turn to talk. So the movie was a blast, and afterwards, we go for a little dip (pwop!), a dipperoo, at the hotel swimming pool. If you've ever seen these places, there's usually like, ONE slide, covered in infant piss, exactly two hairy men in the hot tub, and no towels anywhere.
Sometimes next door there's an arcade, with like, Ms. Chomp and Roadside Combat, but instead of quarters, the machines all take loonies? Like you're in some premium fucking arcade, there should be a WAITER. A man with a curly mustache, dabbing sweat off your forehead, bringing you lemonade... like.

Garland
(Sweating.)
Aw fuck, Ms. Chomp, we almost got that sweet, sweet, strawberry!

Waiter
Oui, oui, garçon. Would you like more leh-moh-nah-day?

Garland
(Glug, glug, glug.)

I smash the glass on the floor.

Garland
Bring me another.

Waiter
Oui, garçon.

He sweeps up the glass with a little dustpan and brush. Ahaha. A fucking... DOLLAR. To play some Roadside and Ms. Chomp. Ridiculous.

[Aurion
Get on with it.]

ALRIGHT. Anyway, we're standing in the pool, splashing each other for giggles and guffaws. You know the ones, when you don't really wanna get splashed but you're so mad you just fucking take it, like.

Garland
COME HITHER, POSEIDON. YOUR LIQUIDS MEAN NAUGHT TO ME!!

Carl splashes me, it's a chlorinated TORRENT. Like a ceiling of water comes down on me. I try to get him back with my little slaps at the water, I'm not getting ANYWHERE, like, "splish sploosh, I splash like a douche". I got nothing. Haha. Not compared to this guy. He's the Captain of the Seven Splashes. So I asked him.

Garland
Uhh, how'd you get so good at splashing?

He says:

Carl
Arr, I've been 'round the world and seen many things.

[Ravi
Like a pirate?]

He was putting on a little accent, yeah. Just for funsies. He stopped before it got weird, which is a mistake I've made many times. When you just get stuck doing a bit, and you have to keep it up all night.

Friend
Hey Garland, you want a ride home?

Garland
ARRR, YE SCALLYWAG, I'M BENT AS AN EEL AND ME SHIP'S IN THE YARD.

Friend
What?

Garland
Yes, please. I would like a ride home.

Friend
...

Garland
...me matey.

Anyway, Carl's telling me about his super splashing skills. He says he's been to swimming pools around the world, and he's splashed with the best of the best.

Carl
From Russia, to Romania, to Rome, Italy. All the same trip.

Garland
Wow.

Carl
Oh, yeah. I've also been to Beijing in China, Mumbai in India, and Medina in Saudi Arabia. That was my last trip. All beautiful places, so much to see, and to do.

Garland
Like what?

At this point, the conversation is going from the pool, to the change room, to dinner. Haha. Just a non-stop flow of story from place to place to place. We're at the hotel diner now, getting our food. He's still telling it.

Carl
I've been waterskiing, scuba diving, bungee jumping, yeah excuse me I'll have a large chicken fettuccine alfredo with chopped olives, and a spaghett for the boy.

That's what he called it, a "spaghett". I wasn't gonna correct him, that's my favourite meal. My bro's, too. Hey Lawke.

[Lawke
Sup.]

So he got his alfredo, I got my spaghett. Fuck yeah. With la sauce au tomatt, and balls of mett. Just how I like it. Sprinkled some 'mesan on it, a dash of pepp. Perfect. Bon appetit. Haha. He says:

Carl
I've also been snowboarding, regular skiing, ice skating, I once tied a car hood to my friend's snowmobile and rode in it, and...

He's just going on and on about all the stuff he's done. It never ends. You think you've lived? Ohoho, NO. Not compared to Captain Splash over here. He's been there, seen that, done her, you name it. Endless.

Carl
...hang-gliding, rock-climbing, I excavated a tomb, I landed on an island that was secretly a fish...

[Aurion
Seriously?]

No, you numb-skull. I made that last one up. But not the rest, oh no. Those were all real. Yet there was MORE. we had to order seconds, just so he could keep telling his story. I shit you not. Again, with olives. Man loves his olives. I'm about to get my second bowl of spaghett, I'm not even hungry, but I wanna hear this guy's story. Never met this man in my life, now he thinks I'm his son? It was crazy. Now I'm eating spaghetti with him. But I started to feel bad, cause I knew it was a lie. So I say:

Garland
I gotta tell you something, Carl. I've never had this much fun in my life.

I swear to god, he says:

Carl
I know. I knew the minute you came to the office to see me, your whole life up to this point had been boring. But you looked like a kid who could use a good time, and I wanted to meet your mom and see what your home life was like, and take you out for a fun weekend. Because you look like you needed it.

I was ready to cry, honestly. This man had touched my heart. He knew I'd lied, and he forgave me before I even said a single word. That's when the waitress came over, with our seconds. I go:

Garland
(Serious.) Okay, round two.

More tomatt, some 'mesan, another dash of la pepp (pwop!), mwah. Chef's kiss. He's still going with his story, by the way, and twenty minutes pass. I've eaten more than I can take, more than my tum-tum can handle. I go:

Garland
(Stressed.) Uurgghhh... I don't feel so good.

He goes:

Carl
You ready for dessert?

I go:

Garland
(Anguished.) Uh-huhh!!

I think, as I'm getting a big slice of apple pie and a scoop of iced cream (which he specifically asked to be microwaved for thirty seconds, a complete 'cool guy' move), I think: "there can't be much more than this." Little did I know, friends, that I was about to hear the biggest story of my LIFE. I'd bitten off more than I could chew, and I was about to get the main course, THREE COURSES IN. INSANE.

Carl
Well, there's uhh, one more story if you can believe it.

I just nod. I'm so full, I'm scared that if I talk, all that spaghetti is gonna come noodling back up like a fucking octopus made of pasta. A pastapus.

Pastapus
SKREEEAUGH!!

Haha. He says:

Carl
Well, a long time ago, I had a wife, and together we had a beautiful son. Things were good. I used to be in security, taking bullets for bigwigs and fancy dinkwads. I fell out of that, and got into jewel theft. Doing hits. Car chases, bank robberies. The real stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen. If my jaw could open, even just a smidgen, at that moment... it would have hit the floor. The pepper-kraken was gonna come loose, I just knew it. This was the most impressive man I'd ever met in my life. But, apparently, he was already kind of retired at that point. Yeah, no more awesome adventures for him – just bummin' around with little ol' me. He said:

Carl
Now I was working six hours a day, a real job in a factory. I'd go home, fix up my classic cars, it was a good life. Then one day, I get fired for no reason. The next week, my son... he passes on.

Now, I was both invested, and sad. It was going from pasta dinner to like, a soap opera level tragedy. A child was dead, that's as sad as it gets! I'm not even joking about that. That's dead serious.

...

Next he was gonna start telling me his evil twin brother was responsible. I go:

Garland
Oh, no.

That's all I can say, or y'know, pastapus.

Carl
Well, my wife and I, we divorced and I haven't see her since. But here's something my wife doesn't know: a month after our son passed, I was fed up. With our relationship, with our life. I was irrationally angry, even at myself.

[Ravi
That's surprisingly self-aware of him-]

Ssshhh!! This is my story. He continues:

Carl
It's not a fun memory, but I used to yell a lot back then. Might have thrown a few smacks around. I'm not proud of it. So a month after the divorce, I'm at this conference in New York, and I decide to sneak off and see my old high-school. And who else is there, but my old sweetheart, Alice Romanov. Most beautiful girl in the whole school, and it just so happens, she's there too. Reminiscing. She sees me, she waves me over, we start talking. Next thing you know...

I stared at him, cause I knew where it was going. And he knows I know, so he says:

Carl
Anyway, my first life may have fallen apart, but I'm wondering... if maybe I have a second one. If there really is a boy out there with the old sailor's blood in his veins. Who knows.

He just shrugs. He doesn't know what I know, because I never told him... that I never knew my father. My mom said he was just a one-night stand, never told me his name. But I'll tell you my mom's name right now. Are you ready? Alice... FUCKING Romanov. That's my full name, Garland Franklin Romanov. My mind was absolutely... explodicus. It was gone. I'd lost my entire mind.

I looked up to him, and I said:

Garland
(Tearfully.) ...I think... I think I might be your son.

He looks at me, with the kindest eyes I've ever seen, and he says:

Carl
(Sentimentally.) That's right, son. It's me. You figured it out, cause you're such a smart boy. I'm your pops, your da-da. Come give your dad a hug.

[Ravi
Holy shit.

Aurion
No way...]

Yes way. And then I tried to say something like, "I love you dad." But instead, I threw up my spaghett, ALL OVER my khakis. My khaks. Noodles, sauce, parmesan everywhere. The pastapus had escaped its prison, and it was writhing on the floor like it was alive.

Pastapus
SKREEE!!

I tried to stomp it to death, and it skittered away and jumped on a guy's face, laid meatballs in his mouth... haha. I'm just kidding. Can you imagine though? It wasn't that bad. I grabbed some napkins and picked up the spools of pasta by hand, but Carl was like:

Carl
Just let the staff handle that.

He was so wise. I just nodded. I ate my pie, we went back to our room, watched cable together. I went to bed that night, my bed next to Carl's, my belly full of apple pie and about one plate of spaghetti, and a heart full of love. And that... is the story of how I met my father.