The word embarrassed couldn’t even match her pure, raw feelings, standing out on her balcony in the chilling winds of the night, a cigar hanging lazily on the corner of her mouth. Her mind ran through so many stages of anger, sadness, and embarrassment that she couldn’t dare to sleep at night, though, she says, as if she ever had an easy time sleeping any night. She blew out a puff of smoke as she rested her tense shoulders. “I’m stressing over nothing,” she whispered to herself. She brushed a strand of her hair from her face. What she didn’t like the most from the event earlier was the face of Kris. That man had an annoying habit of giving more grace to others than he should; however, if he weren’t so graceful, the situation would’ve ended worse. She preferred it if he had been more mean about her outburst at him, but again, she would probably be why it would escalate into a fight. It would help her feel less guilty, at least. She blew out another puff before putting out the cigar on the balcony railing. She looked up to the sky, letting the cold air hit her face. She closed her eyes before opening them again to gaze at the stars. The stars were much more beautiful here than in her home in Lunar District. They felt different, too; they felt as if they were eyes gazing back at her, watching her stand alone. They didn’t judge her but looked at her with compassion. Making her think and reflect on what to do now. What to do to get away from the guilt in her heart?
Just as she walked away from her balcony, there was a knock on her door. She threw away what was left of her cigar back into her cigar box, and then she walked up to her door. She cracked it open to find Kris. She opened the door wider. “Hello,” she said.
“Hello. I came to check on you,” Kris said. “We didn’t get the time to speak much earlier.”
She leaned onto her doorframe. Not long after their frightening, silent ride back home, Cinder shut down and went instantly to her room, not speaking to anyone besides Mary, who helped her bathe. She only mumbled single-word responses to Mary’s usual probing questions. “I didn’t feel there was much to talk about. I’m quick to assume, and I took it out on you; there’s nothing more than that,” she said, shrugging.
“My lady-”
“My lord, I’m willing to own up to my mistakes. You don’t have to sugarcoat anything.”
“Then I want to say that I understand.”
Cinder straightens up. “I assure you that it’s not what you are thinking.”
"You had a traumatic response, my lady. You're no different than me," he said. Cinder stared at him. He touched the right corner of his lip, where the large scar rested. "One factor I learned is I'm scared of having anyone beside the right of my face as I sleep. Hand or otherwise." Cinder studies the scar, trying to analyze it. She always wanted to know where that scar came from; Kris, while not shy of many scars and wounds on his body from the war, never had anything ever arrive on his face. Yet, she felt it would be too far to ask.
She wanted to reach to his face and press her fingers to lips, but she stopped herself from any movement. "What happened?"
"Someone tried to kill me in my sleep. It was only a few months since I returned home, yet I didn't truly rest. It was time for me to achieve my duty to be the head of the household and watch over my siblings, lest they too be influenced by my parents," He rubbed his chin. "Despite my siblings insisting for me to rest, I just drugged myself into work. However, I soon, for a brief period, began to feel like I could rest."
"Like you finally feel your mind match with your body. No longer waiting for something to happen," Cinder said.
Kris chuckled. "Describable feeling, isn't it? Yet, it didn't last long for me. One night, someone sneaked into my room, where I lay asleep for the first time in months. They held a knife to my throat, close enough to draw blood." He traced a line on his neck. "I managed to wake up in time before the unfortunate end of my life. We struggled until he managed to slash at my face, barely missing my eye, but my lip wasn't so lucky. He managed to get away, but I smelt smoke."
"They started a fire?"
"It spread from the kitchen to the top floor. If the assassin had killed me, it would end with the death of my family. I evaluated everyone outside; luckily, there were no deaths, just only injuries. But, since that day, I realized that I can't rest until I make sure every avenue of failure is gone. I can't," He touched his lip, "have anyone touch this side as I sleep. I managed to hurt my brother; I almost choked him to death. I never let it down."
"Kris, it wasn't your fault; you only did what you instantly wanted to do."
Kris shook his head and held out his hand to Cinder. Cinder placed hers on top. "We all can cause harm and damage to others, whether incidental or on purpose. Yet, we can also fix or learn from it," he added.
Cinder chuckled as she squeezed his hand gently. "It would be so easy if you did yell at me, you know?"
"You couldn't kill me if you tried."
She cocked her head. "Is that a joke, or do you really want to tempt fate?"
"Joking, honestly. I have never seen someone grab me like that. I'm amazed at your strength. Whatever training you went through had fantastic results."
Cinder laughed as she patted his shoulder. “Maybe I will showcase half of that to you next Friday.” However, she doubts she will hold up to that offer after this; it might be risky to spare with him, despite how much Cinder wants to since it hasn’t been so long since she fought alongside him. Her fighting style might give her away in one movement. Still, Kris smiled at her before bowing his head.
“I just wanted to clear the air. Good night, my lady,” He bowed again.
“Kris, wait,” Cinder grabbed his arm. Kris stared at her with his eyebrow raised. Cinder looked over to her balcony, where her tea table stood. She looked back into his eyes. “Would it be too out there to ask you to join me for tea?”
“Tea? At this hour?”
Cinder smiled. “Actually, you will be surprised at what I got for you.” Kris nodded as he let Cinder pull him inside the room. Cinder twisted behind him and leaned to his left ear. “I’ll be right back.” She pointed to her table. “Give me a second to fetch something. It will blow your mind. I’ll meet back up with you.” And like a cheetah, she dashed out of the room from a slightly startled Kris. She raced down the painfully long hallways to Beth’s room with a key in her hand. When Beth is away on business, she gives the keys to her room to Estell and Cinder if they ever need to access her supplies of potions in case of an emergency need or they run out of their own, primarily as Cinder uses a particular mixture of tea that Beth crafted for her. She unlocked the door and ventured into the dark room. It was pretty easy to see the cabinets of Beth’s supplies and some things glow-in-the-dark. She lit a candle as she opened the cabinets; a note lay on one of the shelves.
Dear esteemed loved ones,
DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING I HAVE NOT SANTION THAT YOU CAN TAKE! That means especially you, Estell. Also, my beloved Cinder, I swear to the gods if you take the last of my tea mixture before I can stock, I’m legally allowed to steal your clothing for a week for my free labor and your blood.
Signed, Beth.
And like the proper friend Cinder respects herself to be, she proceeded to take the last tea mixture and wrote on the hanging note: Over my dead body. Love, Cinder.
She returned to the room with a tray: Two tea cups with tea bags inside and a pitcher of hot water. Kris was at her vanity, observing her spoiled clutters across the marble top. He picked up a silver comb with some teeth bent or broken entirely.
“That’s my mother’s,” Cinder said. She placed the tray down on the table. She placed the teacups down, one in her chair and the other in the chair in front of her. Kris gazed at her with the comb in her hand.
“It’s pretty.”
She grinned. “You don’t have to sugarcoat it; it looks like shit, but it’s the only thing I have from her.”
“Was it originally like this?”
“Funnily enough, it was,” She patted her nightgown before easing into her chair. “I was told that when she sat in her vanity as a toddler, I used to play by her side. She would comb my hair with it before she let me run wild with it. But, like any toddler, I broke it a lot.”
“Told?” Kris asked as he sat down in the chair.
“I was a baby then, and my mother and I never got along afterward. She practically neglects me,” she said. She poured the hot water into their cups. The water slowly turned into a purple liquid. A rosemary scent filled the cold air.
“Oh.”
She shrugged. “I’m not sad about it; I just wish I didn’t have to be told by my maids instead of her.”
“Perhaps you could bring it up to her.”
“She’s dead.”
“OH. I-I apologize. ”
Cinder grinned again. “There were reasons my parents weren’t at the wedding. My mom is dead. My father…” She sighed as she played millions of curses and foul words explaining how much she wished he was dead, that his life was falling apart after her forceful removal of the family, and how he could be faring after losing his ‘precious’ prize horse. Instead, “He is no longer part of my life, but I no longer have any breath to spend on him.”
Kris sighed. “I should have kept my mouth shut.’
“It’s caused me no pain. Besides, outside of my mom’s comb, I didn’t keep anything from my parents.” She took a sip of her cup.
"The house is what I have left from my parents," Kris said. He took a sip from his cup, "They - oh wow. What is this?"
"Like it?"
"It's amazing! It's like my body just relaxed itself."
"Beth made it for me. It helps with sleep."
Kris chuckled. "Gods...It's wonderful. You managed to get someone who loves you enough to make something so special for you."
Cinder looked down as she chuckled. "I did, didn't I? Envious?"
"I have siblings that love me dearly and very persistent friends."
"Oh, yes, Peterson. How did you two meet?"
Cinder gripped her cup as she stared at Kris. She wanted to scream that she was him, that she was the person that sometimes crossed his mind. Yet she did know that it would be foolish to speak those words.
"What happened to him?"
"Dead. House was raided by bandits. The only surviving member was his father."
"Tragic," she huffed.
"I do regret that I didn't have much time to spend with him after everything."
"I'm sure he would have loved it."
Kris looked at her. "And how are you so sure?"
Cinder shrugged. "You're lovely to be around."
Kris flushed as he flashed a smile. "So are you."
Soon, the tea ran out as the two talked and talked. Funnily enough, Cinder felt her eyelids gaining weight after a long way she hadn't felt. She rubbed her eyes as Kris cleared the table, placing the empty cups and teapot onto the tray. Kris yawned, covering his mouth. Cinder laughed at his shocked expression. She helped him into the room and put the door open.
"You want me to help you go to the Kitchen? You seem a little sleepy," Cinder asked.
Kris shook his head. "If I pass out on my way, I consider that a win."
Cinder laughed, "I'll be the same way."
He smiled. "When you get a new batch of this, can I join you again for tea?"
"Of course. You're always welcome in my room. Well, most of the time."
"Good night, my lady."
"Cinder."
"Good night, Cinder."
"Night, Kris."
Kris bowed before walking out of the room. Cinder closed the door, leaning her back against the hardened wood. She breathed out with a smile as she wrapped her arms around herself. He missed her! Her! The wild beast ran a rampage on the battlefields, making many soldiers envious of her. He thinks of her...It constantly played over her mind as she wished they could spend all night talking. Was this love? No, she sure herself. She missed the camaraderie, but this feeling was something else. Cinder never thought Kris and she could be regular friends in her past life. But here they were, talking as if they were lifelong familiar.
She wondered about that time in the cave together; if she had come out to him right there, where would they be now?
She doesn't know. It's something to sleep over for the first time in a long while.
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