There was a soft rain outside as I sat on the couch. It would have been a nice accompaniment to my piano keys, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now, my eyes were closing and it was a soft rain and there was just the idea of piano.

This morning, I hadn't been feeling my best again. Tata had gone off to talk to Darla about the part two performance. He'd been concerned, because I was usually well out of bed before him. I'd heard him walking around, making some light breakfast. I wondered why he wouldn't just go out with Darla for breakfast, or was it brunch by then? He always rose late. The microwave beeped and closed a couple of times, the smell of Spam permeated the apartment. The cats were calling, and their kibble was poured into their dishes. These were all my job. 

Usually, I took care of it all because Tata was always so busy. He was keeping the bar going, he had a lot to do. On top of meeting with Darla, he was also going to talk to another performer about a one off live to fill in a gap in events. Just thinking of his list of things to do was exhausting me today.

I was exhausted in general. 

My eyes were closed, and I knew that was wrong. I'd just woken up a couple of hours ago. I'd barely gotten dressed, ate some rice crackers from the cabinet without caring who they belonged to. They probably belonged to Tata, because he was thoughtful of his weight. I couldn't remember buying them. 

Tonight, Tata wanted to go out with me. There was a club hosting an event he was interested in. It was nearly summer, so it had something to do with bubbles. It made me remember the bubbles from the last event we'd gone to, floating in the atmosphere turning all sorts of neon colors from the lights. It seemed like a far off dream.

Thinking of the neon bubbles floating. It was the last image I remembered before I fell asleep while sitting up on the couch. 

He found me laid there, moaning. It was past nine o'clock when he came home. The cats were hungry, but I felt so weak and tired. It was so unlike before, when I'd been nauseous. There'd been a reason then, for this feeling. There was no reason for this. 

"Yuki... Yuki? Are you okay- Yuki..." His large hands on the top of my arm as I laid there on my side, my eyes closed like before. Not wanting to see his concerned face. It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

"Don't come near me. I might have Covid." Said so small. Not like I'd intended.

I heard the chain necklaces he was wearing shake and shudder together. He was shaking his head so fast. "I don't think so. We'll give you a test, but..."

"I don't know."

"Covid is rare nowadays, but we can be cautious." He tsked a little bit, obviously at a loss about what to do. 

No response from me. I didn't feel good enough to give one. There was a long pause, and I didn't even feel good enough to think to say sorry. 

I didn't know how long it had been. Laying in bed with him, the light on. He was holding me with both arms, and it was bright despite my eyes being closed. He'd said he wanted to keep an eye on me, that he didn't feel safe with the lights off. 

I wasn't here anymore. Floating in the atmosphere like those bubbles. Vaguely aware that we were missing the club event he wanted to go to. Wanting to hold him for this, but my arms were pressed to my front, my hands almost in a prayer position against my chest as he clung to me so tightly. My eyes were closed, but I wasn't asleep. A strange twilight between sleep and wakefulness. 

I hadn't eaten anything but those rice crackers, but I wasn't hungry. 

Slowly, he started whispering to me. Not able to make out the words, but they sounded soothing. After a while, my ears heard them. They were somewhere in space.

"...the hospital. Maybe they'll know what this is. Our test was negative for Covid, but maybe it is. Covid can make people weak like this. It can make grown, healthy men fall to their knees. But you have asthma. That's why I'm concerned. But you seem to be breathing okay... Maybe it isn't Covid. Then, what could it be? You were so sick about a week ago. Then you got sick again. I thought they were related. Are they related? Is this related to that? Was I not cautious enough?"

He seemed to be talking to himself. Maybe he thought I was asleep. He often did talk out loud like this when he was deeply worried about something related to work. All those times he'd done things like this. Now...he was deeply concerned about me. 

Anything he wanted to do, we'd do it. I wasn't here enough to protest. No real idea of protesting. 

He let out a long breath, and the warmth of it was in my hair, on my scalp. 

"-passed out in the ambulance. That's the words they used, 'passed out'. He was falling asleep before. I found him asleep when I came home. It was highly unusual. He hadn't fed our cats, and he feeds them like it's his religion. They're our babies. I can't imagine- I don't know-"

"We will run tests. A full work up. He had a stomach bug before, is that right?"

"I don't know if it was a stomach bug now. We were so sure. He was here recently, dehydrated from that. I don't know if it's something more, but this is so unusual. He's never like this. I've known him for four years. He's always so strong..." 

Tata's voice faded. He was to my right, just like before when we'd been at the hospital. What had they been talking about before this? I'd been asleep, and I wanted to fall asleep again.

"We'll give him saline. I see that's what was given to him during his previous visit. It will help, regardless."

"Thank you."

"I will order some tests."

"Thank you so much."

When had I gotten to the hospital? I didn't remember any of it. It smelled clean in here, overly clean. A door slid open, and then closed. Or was it a sheeting on a pole above us? I couldn't open my eyes to check. 

Just the warmth of Tata's hands sliding over one of mine. The familiar pressure of them, their weight. Holding on so tightly. 

"-it all seems so ridiculous now. I was mad at you a few days ago. Why in the world would I be mad at you? I'll never be mad at you again. Yuki..." 

He was talking to me, but I hadn't been aware. Coming in at the end. He was apologizing again. We'd already apologized to each other for that. I wanted to take him close, assure him that it was all over. But he was guilty, because I was...

"I'm sorry." His sniffled words. "I'm sorry..."

My eyes were too heavy to open. Wanting to see him, though. 

"You're so sick," he went on. "I don't know what to do. Yuki... They don't know if it's Covid. I don't know what it is."

"...club."

A big sniffle from him, coming closer. My eyes opened, and he was so close to my face. They closed again. 

"What? I didn't-"

"...club event. We missed it."

His chain necklaces were rattling rapidly again. Shaking his head. His hands squeezed on mine. 

"Don't think about that. Don't worry about that."

"...okay."

"Don't worry about that."

His soft lips were on my forehead. Kissing me there. His hand was in my hair, holding onto my head in gentleness. 

"Tata."

More sniffles from him. Dread filling my belly, something I hadn't told him. His chains were making their sounds. He was answering me without words. 

"...I didn't tell you."

Sadness inside. We'd had so much happiness before. He didn't need to know this secret. I wanted him to think I was this happy person. Shy, maybe. But, not affected by something like this. This secret. Not a shame, but I didn't want him to know. Why didn't I want him to know? I loved him...

"I love you," I began. 

"I love you, too." Returned so quickly. So sure.

I was about to hurt him so much. 

"I had..um..."

"It's okay."

It wasn't.

"I had um..."

Little wet noises in his throat as he tried to manage his tears at seeing me like this. So much overwhelming guilt.

"I had...leukemia when I was a kid."

Silence. Unable to open my eyes to see his response. His pause in touching me was all I needed to know. His shock. 

"Ask them..." Not wanting to say it fast. Dreading this. "Ask them to test my platelets and...white blood cells. You never...know."

No words. Just his pause. Needing to know.

But, as I opened my eyes, I got my answer. With nothing to cover his face, his hands occupied in comforting me, his face was so full of tears. His mouth was slightly open, his eyes wide. That shock I'd felt with his pause. It was all over his face.