Read The Test-BL :: Chapter 4

**The next few episodes will be dealing with mental health issues, abxse, and thoughts of self harm and ideation. There are also some slight mentions of homophobia. If you are going through anything similar to what is described in this chapter, please call your local prevention hotline. Remember you are valid and you are loved**

*Canada and USA: call or text 988

*The Trevor Project: 1–866–488–7386

“I was going to school to get a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Science. I really wanted to be a video game developer. Sadly my degree was cut short when I broke up with my significant other.” He looked down at his hands and started picking at his fingers. “We had been together since we were 15. But It too us moving to the big city for me to realize something about me that I was subconsciously trying to suppress my whole life.”

I knew where this was probably going but I didn’t want him to feel pressured into telling me these things. But before I could speak he looked at me and continued, “I already know what you are going to say but please don’t. I do not mind telling you. I feel like-” he looked down at my hand and took it in his, “I feel like you might actually understand what I found out moving there.”

He gave me a half smile and sighed, “He was my roommate. He was a very sweet guy. He would always try to ask me to come with him and his friends out to the bars and to have game nights. He even introduced me to dungeons and dragons. He was basically a perfect human.”

“One night we were at the bar and all his friends had decided to leave early. We stayed and were dancing and drinking and one thing led to another and he kissed me.” He put his head in his hands, “I already know what you are going to say. I know we shouldn't have done that but. Well, it just felt right.”

I just shook my head at him. “I am not in any place to judge you for your actions doing that. Especially if you felt like you were hiding your true self from yourself. Whether out of fear or what have you.”

“No, what we did there and then after was wrong. I cheated on my girlfriend. I felt so awful about it. I knew what we were doing was wrong but he was just so dxmn perfect.” He shifted on the bed and started tracing some old scars on his right arm. “That was I thought he was perfect. I broke up with my girlfriend about a week afterwards because of the guilt. Surprisingly to me, she already knew.”

I looked at him alarmed, “Someone outed you? I mean cheating is a bad and unforgivable thing to do to someone but outing you is rather rude and can be very dangerous.”

“Yes I do agree but no one told her anything. I think deep down she always kinda knew that I was hiding something from her. But when I told her what I had done it all just sort of clicked. She was a lovely girl. I was lucky to have her by my side while I did. But what I didn’t know was that when I did leave her and started seeing him exclusively, things would be rather, well, tumultuous.”

“It started rather quickly. His mood shifted and became very short with me whenever I tried to talk to him about anything. He forbade me from seeing any of our friends and I was not allowed to leave our shared room unless it was for classes or he was coming with me. There were many nights where I had to lock myself in our bathroom because I was scared of him. I would sleep in the bathtub and hope he wouldn’t come back drunk and angry.”

“Some nights he would come back completely trashed with some random from the bar and force me to watch as they slept together. He would hit me and scream at me if I tried to leave. I was so afraid to tell anyone what was going on. I dealt with it for months.”

I put my hand on his and patted it, “I am so so sorry you had to go through something so toxic and abxsive like that. No one ever deserves to be treated like that.” And I know nothing that I say can ever make it better, but know I see you and you are loved.”

He sniffled and wiped his face off on his hospital gown, “Talking about this feels. I don’t know how to say it. It's like actually speaking it into existence is lifting a lot of weight I was carrying on my shoulders. I have never felt safe to talk to anyone about what happened back in the city. I can’t even tell my family. I don’t know if you know this, but small town people are very, very closed minded.”

I chuckled awkwardly, “I don’t think I could talk to my family about anything like that. Although they would have to be around for me to be able to do that.”

He shot a quick look at me, “Oh my I’m so sorry to hear that. When did they pass?”

“Oh no. They are still alive. I just cut them off when I turned 17 because of how closed minded they are. They were not worth my time. I did not need those kinds of people in my life. I was already dealing with a lot back then and I did not need their ultra far right homophobic people in my life.”

“Oh my yes I do understand not wanting to deal with those kinds of things. If you don't mind me asking and please tell me if I am crossing a boundary of yours,” he started fiddling with the edge of the blanket.

I could tell that he was feeling awkward and trying very hard to find the words without offending me. “I know what you are trying to ask me and yes, I am gay. Do not worry and think you are pressuring me, I have been out and proud of it since I left home.”

He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled at me, “Thank goodness. I was so worried about asking you about it but I just kinda thought, well that maybe you were kind of like me. But I have never really asked anyone about that. With my ex boyfriend I only knew he liked men was because he slept with and made out with a lot of men so I never really asked.”

I got up and paced about the room. “Yeah trying to ask someone about their sexuality is kind of taboo and not really something easy to talk about. Sometimes they are like you, no offense, and deep in the closet and it is too dangerous or scary to be out, or they are like me and are kind of ambiguous and it is hard to tell if they are out or not. I don’t know if there is a word for it but I suppose it is like masking. I am out and proud, but I am not going around and telling everyone about it.”

There was a knock on the door and a nurse came in. Louie got really ridged and tried to sit up straight. “How are you feeling, Mr. Murphy.” She came around and put one of those blood pressure things on his arm and was taking down his vitals. “You are looking a lot better than you did when you came in.”

He softly chuckled and looked over at me, “Yeah I am feeling a lot better too. When do you think I will be allowed to leave? You know I don't like hospitals Judy.”

She slapped his charts down on the end table and sat down on the edge of the bed, “You know how your uncle is. He is very worried about you. This is the 5th time you have come in here this year looking like this and it is only April.” She clicked her tongue at him and pulled off his blankets and looked at his legs. He had many bruises on his legs of various colours.

“Hey! Don’t just do that in front of my guest.” He ripped the blanket back down and shrunk down in the bed and tried to make himself as small as possible.

I cleared my throat and the nurse looked over at me, “I can leave if you need me to so y’all can talk. I do not mind.” She stood up and started writing more stuff down on his charts. “I am sure that you guys have some stuff that you need to talk about that I should not be here for. I can come back later if you would like Louie.”

He smiled at me sheepishly and nodded, “I’m sorry Corey I know you are probably busy. But we won’t be long.” He gave the nurse a dirty look and she just sighed. “Just give us 10 minutes. There is a small cafe to the right of the entrance if you want to go get something small to eat.”

I nodded at him and closed the door behind me. I was rather hungry. “Maybe I could grab him something to eat too. I am sure he hasn’t eaten since that pizza last night either.” I chuckled to myself quietly as I left down the hall to try and find the cafe.