To whom it may concern,

I'm not gonna waste your time re-introducing myself with every letter. Let's just jump in again, shall we? I was at your place in Venton, right after the Sid incident. The principal, Mr. Oswell, put me in a tiny cubicle in the office, writing lines and practicing cursive. Y'know, handwriting. It was punishment for the fight. I had to go for a week, but they let me out for the second week cause Shirwin and 'Grim' skipped, cause they didn't feel like it was their fault, I guess. Assholes.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. I was packing for the big trip at Camp Killerdrop, at the very end of the school year. You might be there right now, reading this... or you could have already gone home, not knowing where I am. Your loss, dude! I'm great company. You gave me sunscreen, a water bottle, and your old cowboy hat. I told you I don't wear hats, but you were like, "It's too warm for a hoodie", and you were right. I couldn't have known how right you were. I put it on, and I can finally tell you, it was a little bit too big at the time! Don't worry, I've grown into it. I said I couldn't wear it, even though as you reminded me, I used to love cowboys and horses and anything western... when I was five. Now, it just seems gay.
You said, "So? Anyone could be gay. Like bankers, they all got that 'unimpressed fat twunk' thing going. When they stare at a man through thick glasses? Damn. I've got friends who'd lose blood pressure for that."
I said, "Oh, wow. That is entirely too much information. I meant it feels stupid and fake."
You said, "Nobody too dumb lived long in the badlands."
I told you it was better than nylon, and you were all like, "It's made from a cow, Planetarian."
And I know you heard it before, but if you'll let me, I remember the speech I gave in perfect detail (as is one of MY many talents):
"Yeah, ONE cow. Not a million cows, over a million years ago. We run out of oil, who do you think's going in the tar pits? Inexpendable livestock, or 'invalids, criminals, and rebels'? One feeds mouths, the other's a mouth to feed. Especially when you can just change the laws, make anything you want be illegal. Now the law-abiders are thieves and vice-versa... like Wall Street."
You replied, "Don't give them any ideas. I don't wanna be shooting your liquid remains into my flying hybrid car cause you felt like being 'outspoken'."
I hope you know I was being sarcastic when I said, "What makes you think you'll be alive in a million years? You're practically a fossil already."
You said, "Anything's possible."

So the next day, I was still thinking about everything you said, when the bus hit this giant pothole! I flew a half a meter into the air and landed really softly. I'm not as heavy as I used to be, that's for sure. Like a curse in action, not wanting attention drew in exactly the wrong kind of attention. Shirwin was sitting with the Grim Porker (Gregory Hognose), and they started making fun of me again. Said I was like a leaf in the wind, that I was like three pounds.
I told them, "I can't help being light as a feather. It's my gift."
Shirwin said, "Oh, shut up. You were fat just last year, just like the rest of us. Now all you have is a sunken-in-looking anorexic face."
So I replied, "I'm feeling pretty alright, actually, probably at my normal weight without lugging around a wheelbarrow's worth of histamines and yellow fat."
They looked confused, so I had to explain that those came from allergic reactions and carcinogenic meat snacks. I asked why Greg was called 'Grim' now, and Shirwin said it was cause he's massive and always wears the same black hoodie with a mean-looking skull on it. Apparently mine doesn't count cause it has wrenches for crossbones. Big diff! So, I tried to figure out what to call myself since 'Grim' was already taken. My full name, as you know, is Andrew Gonzales Radigan. I figured I could go by Drew or Rad, but they said those were "too cool" for me – that I needed something to tell me how lame I was.
So yeah, that's why I'm called 'Rusty' now – because I'm "rough and useless". I said I liked it, cause it made me think of the Sewer Crawlers cartoon; how those four teenage iguanas lived in shit with their martial arts teacher, always skateboarding through old pipes and eating pizza that smelled like methane runoff. If those guys can be radical in those rusty conditions, I can manage. Then they told me to shut up, and said my hat was stupid, and that I probably had ass-less chaps in my suitcase. Even the bus driver laughed. I just tipped down my hat and watched the plains give way to desert out the window.