“He could have died.”

Roxy shrugged off the frigid words, continuing to pace around us in a slow, silent circle. The shipping boat Captain’s revolver rode proudly on her hip, filled with new bullets taken from the ship’s supplies. As it turned out, most of what they’d been carrying was food—shrimp, bananas, and a shocking number of tomatoes—but the Captain had a small stash of bullets in his cabin, which Roxy had taken before leading me to Morrissey’s cabin for the second time that week.

This time, we were both in trouble; I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.

“I gave you one job, Cinder, and it was to make sure he didn’t go running off alone again.” Morrissey twisted in place to keep his eyes on the master gunner. “Five minutes into the fight, I ask where he is, and you tell me he’s run off alone again!”

“To be completely honest, I didn’t think you were serious,” Roxy said, amusement laced through her characteristic rasp. “There’s a lot of sailors on this ship, Captain, and Rhotar is hardly the most important.” She winked at me.

“He’s the most likely to get killed in a stupid way,” Morrissey countered.

Usually, that would have stung. But something had changed during the attack, while being told to torture a man and then watching him die in front of me. The Captain and master gunner looked a little different. And for once, I wasn’t sure I wanted either of their respect.

Roxy cackled, brushing a mat of blonde out of her face. “Ever the caring soul, Captain. I apologize for failing to babysit Rhotar correctly.” She stopped next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

I fought to stay still beneath it. There was something hilarious about calling the Captain the ‘caring type’. There was something hilarious about Roxy acting caring toward anyone. And there was something hilarious about going back to the regular politics of the ship as if they hadn’t just tried to make me torture someone.

Morrissey worked his jaw. “You also shot that Captain without orders.” His eyes flicked to me. “Both of you completely ignored my orders and chose to handle the situation however you saw fit.”

“I’d say it went well, though,” Roxy argued, still grinning. She took a few steps away from me as she continued, “We managed to change it up a little, keep ‘em on their toes.” Her hand brushed the revolver on her hip.

Morrissey’s eyes followed the motion, then flicked to my hip. I reflexively touched Carter’s revolver, realized that was probably the worst possible gesture, and decided I didn’t care.

“I could take those revolvers from both of you,” he noted. “But I don’t, because I’m a lenient Captain.”

He couldn’t take the revolvers from either of us. Taking Roxy’s would be blatant insecurity, and everyone on the ship knew I’d earned mine fair and square. I kept my hand on it.

“I haven’t forgotten that it was my crew who chose me to lead them.” He met my eyes. “Pirates don’t inherit like nobles do. I was voted into my position. My authority only comes from the recognition that I know what the hell I’m doing. And to disobey me is to disrespect the entire crew.”

“You don’t care if we respect the crew, you care if we follow orders,” I snapped. “Or did the entire crew decide to torture someone without need?” By the end of the question, my throat had dried and my voice had quieted. But I’d gotten the words out into the air, and they weren’t mine to take back anymore.

“Maybe he’s got balls after all,” Roxy chortled, and that comment alone pushed me off balance, because I’d heard those exact words one too many times from someone else.

“Cinder, give us a moment.”

I watched Roxy tiptoe from the room with a strange mix of dread and relief.

Once the door had closed, Morrissey quietly said, “I was wrong to ask you to torture that man.”

I stared at him as some emotion inside of me shut down. I wanted to be relieved, but we both knew ‘that man’ was already dead. Maybe that was Roxy’s fault. But some part of me didn’t want to just drop it.

“I wanted to prove to Bastian that you’re worth having on the ship,” he continued. “I should have shown him through other means.”

That was…strange thinking, to say the least, but I wasn’t going to call it out.

Or maybe I was. “I’m not sure I follow, Sir.”

He let out a long, exasperated breath. “Bastian believes your upbringing makes you too soft to be a real pirate. I want to prove otherwise. You should, too. Or do you not think you deserve a place here?”

“I know that much,” I responded quickly. “I’m wondering why you’re worried what he thinks if he respects you so much.”

Morrissey smiled slightly. “Don’t I keep that respect by listening to the opinions of my crew?”

That…actually did make sense. It made sense, and at the same time, it reeked of cowardice, because there were opinions worth listening to and opinions he needed to ignore. But I’d lost my momentum, and my hand slipped from the gun at my hip to clasp awkwardly in front of me. “I suppose, Sir.”

He took a few steps toward me. “You’re brilliant, Rhotar, you really are. But you have no idea what you’re doing.”

I frowned. “I’m learning.”

Morrissey shook his head. “You don’t need to learn by walking into danger alone. You could be a great pirate one day, but you do need to follow orders, for your own sake and everyone else’s. It’s about safety, Rhotar.”

I swallowed. It was the safety thing again, and for some reason I couldn’t respond to it. “I understand. I’ll be more careful, Sir.”

He rested a hand on my shoulder. “Good lad. But Arrokas?”

I blinked. “Yes?”

“This time, son, you’d better fucking mean it.”

I left his cabin with a strange ringing in my ears. Roxy was slouched against the wall outside, and she silently raised an eyebrow at me as I passed her. I shrugged and continued down the stairs.

Dally had taken over scouting for the rest of the night, so I headed to the sailors’ quarters and felt my way through the pitch dark to my hammock. Despite my exhaustion, it took me hours to fall asleep, and even after I had, my mind was full of noise.

I was kneeling in the crow’s nest, scanning the horizon, when rust-colored fabric filled the lens of my telescope. I jumped backward. My feet found the edge of the platform, and my back hit nothing but wind. As I fell, the massive ship loomed over me, rusty sails billowing and dark wood creaking.

My back hit the Starwatch’s deck. It splintered around me, and I heard Roxy’s dry laughter.

The enemy ship was far too close. Its bow had already pierced into the Starwatch; chunks of wood split away as the beast’s belly loomed over me.

“Maybe he’s got balls after all,” Bastian commented.

I frantically paddled backward through the waves, unable to look away from the massive ship bearing down on me. Water splashed into my eyes, filled my mouth, burned my nose. At the ship’s helm, Morrissey looked my way. “Do you not think you deserve a place here?” he asked.

A finger jammed into my side, sending me upright with a shriek.

Sterling laughed as I rubbed my eyes and brushed my hair out of my face. “We weren’t sure we’d ever see you in this room again.”

I glanced to Kienna standing next to him; she held two bowls of ceviche that looked especially heavy on the tomatoes. She smiled and held one out to me, which I took with a nod of thanks.

My mind was disoriented, thick with fog. The dream hadn’t felt real, exactly, but that didn’t stop me from grabbing the rough rope of my hammock to make sure there was something beneath me.

Sterling sat in the hammock next to mine with his own bowl, patting next to him for Kienna to join. “So, what happened? Are we ditching you at the next port?”

I shook my head, picking a shrimp out of my bowl. The taste of citrus and salt helped drag my system out of the fog.

“Was the Captain mad?” Kienna asked.

I swallowed. “He was more mad at Roxy than me.”

Sterling whistled. “Doubt we’re ditching her at the next port.”

“Apparently, he told her to watch my back during the attack, and she didn’t. That, and he scolded both of us for how we handled the other ship’s Captain.”

He snorted. “Obviously. That was gutsy, going against his orders like that.”

“Why was Roxy supposed to watch you?” Kienna asked. “I mean, you’re just a deckhand. No offense.”

“He thinks I’m the most likely to get killed in a stupid way. His own words.”

She frowned. “You’ve handled yourself fine so far, haven’t you?”

I shrugged, but for some reason, hearing that actually did ease some of the swirling emotions. I wasn’t totally useless to the ship; I’d done plenty to prove myself, and if Bastian didn’t want to see it, he didn’t want to see it.

“You’re sure you’re still on the ship?” Sterling asked through a mouthful of ceviche.

Taking a long look around the room, I answered. “Pretty sure.”

A cube of tomato bounced off my chest. “You know what I meant, asshat.”

I smiled despite myself. “Yes. I think Morrissey fully intends to keep me onboard. At least for now.”

“That must be scary,” Kienna spoke up. “Not knowing whether you’re going to lose your place in the crew.”

I gave her a half-hearted nod in response. But to be honest, I wasn’t scared of getting kicked off the ship.

I was more unsettled by the fact that I hadn’t been.

After breakfast, I returned to my position as crow’s scout. I was scared at first, but the climb up was a comforting exercise, and the real crow’s nest was much more solid than the dream version. The height, small space, and glaring sun were almost a welcome familiarity, and I spent the next few days comforted by the strange quiet brought from a howling wind that drowned out all other sound.

When I wasn’t in the crow’s nest, I was with Sterling and Kienna in the common room or sailors’ quarters, talking about nothing and studiously avoiding the Captain and quartermaster. It almost started to feel like things had gone back to normal, but I couldn’t shake the sense that my place on the ship had become something…else, something othering and uncertain.

The next time I saw a ship in my telescope, I almost ignored it. Not only did the massive dream ship still lurk in my head, but we had enough supplies, and it was behind us, meaning we’d have to turn around to engage. But as we kept sailing through morning and into afternoon, it didn’t disappear.

In fact, it looked like it was quickly getting closer.

“Ship behind us!” I called. “Astern,” I corrected. “And it’s getting closer!”

As with before, Morrissey waved me down to the bridge. As with before, Bastian joined us.

“I vote we wait ‘til night again,” Bastian grunted. “Same deal.”

I almost found it in myself to protest, and argue for leaving it alone.

But as my telescope found the fast-approaching ship one more time, I realized very quickly that there would be no waiting and no leaving alone.

Because first I saw the Chrysanthean Navy flag.

And then I saw the horse.