You ever been in a teachers’ lounge, kid?  It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?  It’s all couch-y and carpet-y.  It almost doesn’t feel like we’re in school anymore.  Don’t worry, we won’t be here long.

So, what are we doing here in the first place?  What are we stealing?  Want me to let you in on the big plan?

Kid, we’re going after something no one’s ever stolen before.  We’re gonna steal…

The days of the week!

Yup.  All seven of ‘em!  We’re talking Monday.  Thursday.  Tuesday.  Those other ones.  We’re not nabbing them all at once, of course – days of the week always come one at a time.  But don’t worry.  Stick with me, and we’ll get it done.  I’ve got it all planned out.

Well, not exactly planned.  I’ve got a really good feeling, though, and that’s almost the same.  See, I’ve got a halfway brain, so detailed plans don’t really work for me.  Pixies aren’t planners – they’re doers.  Their brains are like hummingbirds, made for zipping around and changing direction.  But human brains, like my dad’s, are solid and cozy, like a big brick house.  My brain is halfway in-between, zipping and dragging at the same time, like a hummingbird taped to a brick.

Why are we stealing the days of the week?  Well, kid, what if I told you that those days are the secret to unlocking true pixie magic?  I mean it!  See, a few weeks ago, I got my hands on something of my mom’s – a card with a sort of an incantation.  She must have left it behind the day she disappeared.  I don’t think she ever meant for me to read it.  But as soon as I saw it, I knew it was important.  That’s why I taped it right here in this book.

It’s definitely Mom’s, by the way.  That pressed wildflower in the corner is a dead giveaway; paintbrushes are her favorite flower.  And, next to that flower, there’s a short poem:

A day, as every pixie knows,

Is one more chance to climb.

With each new day the magic grows,

So, all it takes is time.

Pixie incantations are potent stuff, kid.  If this one is legit, it’s guaranteed to work.  So, if the secret to magic is time, then let’s go get some!

So how will we pull this off?  Don’t worry, kid, I got this.  Heists are all about breaking in and stealing stuff, right?  Pun it right, and you can break in anywhere, steal anything.

For example: once, I stole a whole bunch of human hearts.  I mean, there was more to it than that, of course.  First, I broke into song and stole the spotlight.  That let me steal the whole show.  That let me break into show business.  With my performances, I stole the hearts of millions.  But I didn’t know what to do with them, so I gave them all back before my hands got bloody.  True story!

Anyway, after stealing a million hearts, yoinking the days of the week should be child’s play.

So, that’s the big picture.  But the question still remains: what are we doing here?  Kid, we’re in this teacher’s lounge for two very important things.

Cordelia’s Very Important Teacher’s Lounge Things:

Teacher’s Lounge Thing One: We’re going to nab our first day of the week.  I’ve got a guy on the inside, and if my source is correct, we should have everything we need right here.

Teacher’s Lounge Thing Two: To pull off a world-class heist, you need a world-class crew.  We’re also here to recruit the first new member of our team.  Once they’re onboard, we’ll be unstoppable.

But first, we need to bag our first day.  Let’s take a look around, see what we’re working with.  Hmm…  We’ve got a couple of blue couches over there on the back wall, by the storage closet.  A few tables and some squishy chairs in the middle of the room.  A trash can and recycling bin.  A kitchen area with a sink and little refrigerator on the right.  Promising, but not quite what we need.

Wait, what’s up in these cupboards here?  These are extra school supplies!  I think we’ve hit the jackpot.

Okay, I’ve got a plan.  We’ll combine a few specific items from around the room, and grab what we need through pun-craft.  Here’s what we’ll need:

Cordelia’s Teacher’s Lounge Items:

            Item 1: Have you still got that spaghetti bowl on your head?  Excellent.

            Item 2: Pick up one of those notebooks on that third shelf there and rip out a sheet of paper.

            Item 3: Find a pen.  Blue or black ink, doesn’t matter.

            Item 4: While we’re over here looking at school supplies, grab a box of chalk.

            Item 5: Now head over to the kitchen area.  Snag us one of those disposable coffee cups.

            Item 6: While we’re over here, grab a plastic lid for that cup as well.

            Item 7: Last thing on the list.  You’ll need a spoon from that drawer.

And that’s it: bowl, paper, pen, chalk, cup, lid, spoon.  The rest is pretty straightforward, right?  You’re probably way ahead of me.  Okay, kid, go for it.  Just smoosh those items together in the right way until you’ve got a pun to make a day of the week.  I’ll be here if you need me.

…Why are you just standing there?  Get smooshing!

…Okay, fine.  Just to save time, let me tell you how I would do it.

Cordelia’s Recipe for the First Day of the Week:

Step 1: Look at those gray chairs around the tables.  Why are they there?  What is their purpose?  Grab your pen and paper, and write down why you think chairs exist in the first place.

(You can write whatever you want on your paper – no wrong answers here!)

[MY ANSWER: CHAIRS ARE TO GIVE BUTTS HIGH-FIVES.]

Have you written down your answer?  Cool.  You’ve just created a chair reason.  Hold on to it.  On to step 2.

Step 2: Open the box and dump the chalk on the table.

Step 3: Break all the chalk into tiny pieces, then grind those pieces down to powder. 

(Don’t worry about the chalk dust, and feel free to cough if it gets in your throat.  After all – the teacher’s lounge is a great place for a cough-y break.)

Step 4: Gather up the chalk powder and scrape it into a paper cup.  Add a tiny bit of water from the sink and stir.  You should have a thick, pasty sauce.

Step 5: Rip the plastic lid into tiny pieces.  Drop them in the cup and keep stirring.  Now you’ve got a cup full of chalk-lid sauce.

Step 6: Pull that spaghetti bowl off your head and pour the chalk-lid sauce into it.

Step 7: Remember that chair reason?  Put it in the bowl, on top of the sauce.

Step 8: Push your face down into the bowl.

Step 9: Scream the following sentence: “I scream in the bowl with chalk-lid sauce and a chair reason top!”

It’s just a description of what you’re doing, but it’s also powerful magic.  Ice cream in the bowl with chocolate sauce and cherries on top?  Kid, you’ve just made yourself a sundae.

I’m proud of you, I really am.  But we’re not done quite yet.  Before it melts, take the whole thing and dump it in your backpack.  (Don’t worry.  I’m sure your homework will be fine.)

Well done, kid!  Now Sunday’s in the bag.