Lucas

“I’m pregnant.”

With a loud gasp, my lungs inflate with air. The rush of oxygen must be what breaks through the hazy darkness, for even as my mind is still processing her words, relief pours back into my chest, filling all the empty spaces that just moments ago felt like the end.

She’s pregnant.

Pregnant!

Thinking back to when we made love this morning and I tried telling her I didn’t have a condom, her words reverberate through my head. “It’s okay,” she said because she knew.

We’re pregnant!

Rushing to her, I pull her into my arms just as my tears begin to fall. With a smile on my face, I close my eyes and whisper a silent thank you to the universe for coming through for me. After years of pain, darkness, and inconsolable loneliness, I finally have a chance at a new life.

“Oh, sweetheart. I’m so happy.” Breathing her in, I drop kisses wherever I can reach that doesn’t require I release her from my embrace. Why was she so afraid to tell me? Did she think I wouldn’t want this? A baby with her? Our baby. “I mean it, Emb. You’ve just made me the happiest man alive.”

“Lucas, wait,” she sobs. “There’s more you need to know.” When she pushes away, I let her go, but not before taking her hands in mine.

“Then tell me the rest, sweetheart. Because I’m in. All in. No matter what.” Reclaiming a seat on the edge of the bed, I pull her in so she’s sitting on my lap. 

“Lucas, I’m so sorry.”

“Baby, there’s nothing for you to be sorry for. Look at me.” With a finger under her chin, I tilt her gaze towards me. “Nothing.”

“There is.” She nods in rapid succession as a sob breaks free from her beautiful lips. It’s only then that I notice her fear hasn’t waned. If anything, it’s grown exponentially more noticeable except now it’s also tinged with a look of devastation that twists my insides into knots and sends bile creeping up my throat. “The timing. The baby isn’t yours, it’s Creed’s.”

And just like that, my world implodes.

Time. Space. My beating heart. Everything stops and comes to a standstill. Like I’m suddenly submerged and sinking underwater, the surrounding air grows thicker and heavier with every second that passes. I’m drowning. Succumbing to the conditions as I’m thrust into a murky depth I’m not meant to survive. The trained warrior in me who grew out of drown-proofing training at BUD/s, screams at me to keep my wits about me and acclimate, but try as I might, I just don’t see a way out this time. Especially since giving up feels far simpler and much less painful than surviving only to endure another lifetime without her.

The fucker won.

The bastard stole her right out from under my watch only to use and then discard her as though she’s insignificant when, in fact, she is everything! He took her from me and then left behind this insurmountable wedge between us that I’m not certain we can overcome.

And now I see.

The way she made love to me this morning, and how she’s been acting the past few weeks, is all because she knew. She’s pregnant not with my child but with his and it’s all my fault since I’m the one who failed to protect her.

Before I realize what’s happening, she’s no longer on my lap. Buried under a landslide of devastation, I drop my head into my hands and sob. From utter joy to absolute rock-bottom despair, I find myself back in that hospital bed after the rescue. Just like those mornings when I’d wake up confused and desperate to hold on to a reality that never existed, I feel so damn helpless and empty. The devastation of falling for yet another mirage, another trick of my imagination, leaves no room for any emotion other than hopeless despondency.

I guess this confirms it. 

She was never meant to be mine. 

Except I’m here, aren’t I? Not only have I had a taste of her, I’ve also had the pleasure of experiencing what a life with her and our children would look like. How could the universe be so goddamn cruel? After everything it’s taken away, how could it steal this away from me, too?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. She’s sitting next to me now, close enough that I can touch her, but after this revelation, is it even appropriate? She has his baby growing inside of her. Her husband’s baby since technically they were still married at the time the child was conceived.

Why does he get another chance at something he so callously threw away?

Why does he get a second chance with them, when all he’s done is squander the gifts that are this woman and her children?

“Fuck!” Standing, I make my way to the door, but just as I reach for the knob, the sound of her cries snaps me out of my head and back into the room. When I turn to face her and our eyes connect, that’s when our true reality slams into me, once again knocking the air from my lungs. It’s the look of desolation in her eyes. A look that mirrors what I’m feeling so perfectly that it leaves no doubt our souls are intertwined. Her pain is linked to mine, and mine to hers.

I can’t help it. She’s a part of me I can’t live without. There is no walking away. Even if that devastated part of me wants to. Even as my heart breaks with the knowledge the baby growing inside of her is Creed’s, I can’t leave her. So, with tears in my eyes and newfound resolve, I kneel before her and wrap my arms around her. There, we both lean into one another and give in to our grief.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobs as moisture from her tears runs through my shirt.

“Stop, no more of that, sweetheart.” I cut her off, not wanting to hear her take the blame for something I could have prevented. “What does this mean, Embree? Please tell me what this means for us?” I squeeze her tighter, terrified of her answer, but unwilling to move forward from this moment until I know.

“I don’t want to lose you. I chose you, Lucas. I will always choose you.”

“God, this fucking hurts.” My sobs tear out of me with a force I haven’t felt since that day I found out my parents were dead. “And you’re sure it isn’t mine?”

“Positive. The timing…”

“It’s okay. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it. I’m not letting you go.”

The thought of losing her is like a noose around my neck, squeezing my throat until there’s no room to pull a single breath into my lungs. I can’t go through what I went through in that hospital again. I won’t survive it this time, not after finally getting her back. What I need to do is reassure her by saying and doing whatever needs to be done, so in the end, I won’t have to give her up.

Digging deeper than I’ve ever had to, I muster the strength to fight through the pain and tell her, “I love the girls. If this baby is his, I will find a way to love it, too.”

 I say it with all the conviction I can muster; the words meant to convince myself as much as to reassure her. In truth, however, I don’t know if I have the strength to watch his baby grow inside of her. I have no idea how I’ll stomach watching her bring that baby into this world, as it’s Creed who stands at her side. Worst of all, I don’t know how or if I’ll ever be able to love this child when what I feel in my heart is contempt and resentment. Contempt for Creed for doing this to the woman I love, and resentment that it’s his child growing in the womb where my child should be.

As much as I love her, as much as I love the girls, this baby might just be my breaking point. The ultimate act in the universe’s quest to break me. A last message sent to finally convince me to give up on a life that was never meant to be mine. The dream of a dying man who had no business imagining a life with a woman like her in the first place.

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Author’s Note:

In this scene, Lucas's heartbreak pushes him to fall back into those negative thought patterns that plagued him when he first returned to Ruby Creek. 

Are you surprised by Lucas's reaction to the news of the baby? Are you at all concerned over his willingness to reassure her even as he isn't sure he can support her through the pregnancy? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. 

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