“There’s a lot of family here,” he says.

I shrug. “I’m lacking in the friend department.”

He winces. “I’m sure I didn’t help with that.”

“Not really,” I respond honestly. He almost killed my friendship with Harley in wanting to keep me to himself. A lot of our fights stemmed from that, aside from him being an insulting prick behind my back and to my face.

When we’re alone, but still within Harley’s eyesight, he turns to face me, hands in his back pockets. He looks to the horizon for a moment before turning his gaze on me. “I owe you a huge apology, Wind.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I could say it was because I wasn’t ready for a relationship and so took it out on you but that’s not entirely true. I wasn’t the best boyfriend to Yolanda, either, if I’m being honest. I didn’t hit her, but I wasn’t always very nice to her. Just like I was with you.”

I furrow my brow. 

“You’re a great girl,” he says. “You really are. You’re amazing and brilliant and cool in damn near every way.”

I drop my gaze, my neck heating up. These were the same words he used when he first asked me out. “I’m not looking to get back with you, Chase,” I say firmly.

“I know,” he says with a small grin, his eyes dancing over my face. “Me, neither. I do care about you, and I really do wish things were different. That I was different. But I’m not what you need. Not in that way, at least.”

My face relaxes and I realize what he’s saying before he even says it.

“I uh…I started going to AA,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Thirty days sober.” He pulls out his chip and hands it to me. I take it, astounded as I turn it over and over in my fingers.

“Wow,” I breathe, shaking my head. All my negative feelings toward him fade away, replaced with nothing but admiration and pride as I smile up at him. “Congratulations,” I say sincerely.

“Thank you,” he says, smiling. “It’s been hard as hell, I won’t lie. But I knew that if I didn’t do this for myself, I was never going to fully recover or even heal from losing Yolanda. I was even a drunk when we were together. It took me all this time to realize how much alcohol affected everyone around me. It doesn’t help that I have a naturally volatile temperament. I’m going to therapy for that.”

My eyes widen. “Really?” I ask, stunned.

He nods. “I started that before going to AA, actually. She got me in contact with a great group and I’ve never felt better. I’ve had to confront a lot of truths about myself that are pretty hard to swallow, but I’m doing my best.” He shifted his weight and lifted his shoulders before letting them drop, his hands in his pockets. “I did it because of you.”

I had no response, shocked into silence. Not once, in my entire life, has anyone ever told me they’ve done anything positive for themselves because of me. I’m not that special. I’m not that important. I’m not that influential. I have brain damage and a tendency to throw a fit when things don’t go my way. To be told by my own ex-boyfriend that he chose a better way of living because of me is not something I can understand. 

These thoughts must have crossed my face because he smiled, holding my face in his hands. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Harley sit up in his chair, ready to pounce. He beat up Chase once over me. He’d do it again.

“You were never anything but kind, good, and genuine to me, Wind,” he says. “You are the most understanding, non-judgmental, loving person I’ve ever met. I took that for granted and I won’t forgive myself for that. You’re an amazing person, Windy Malcom. No matter what you’ve been through, the end result is you being this incredible woman who is second to none and I will never forgive myself for not seeing that sooner.”

I can feel the tears well in my eyes and I choke them back, ignoring my racing heart. There was a reason I fell for this man…but there was a reason I had to walk away from him, too. Apparently that was enough for him to realize he needed to get help. 

“Thank you for saving me,” he says softly and kisses my cheek, pulling me into a hug. 

I squeeze him tightly, his body warm around mine, his hands pressed hard into my back. I try not to think of all those nights we spent together, all those times he held me close, his breath hot against my skin, his fingers tight against my body, tangled in my hair, his lips hard against mine. 

“You’re welcome,” I whisper, kissing next to his ear. “Don’t stop now.”

“I won’t,” he whispers in return. When he pulls away, his hands on my waist, he smiles. “I was wondering…do you think we can be friends?”

My lips twitch in a smile. “Can you still be friends with someone you’ve seen naked?”

He bursts into laughter and wipes under his nose. I realize then that a few tears have escaped down his cheeks. “I don’t know,” he says. “But I’d like to try. That is, if you want to.”

I look over to Harley who’s sunk back into his chair, talking with Chevy, Heather on his lap.

“I guess I can add you to my friend’s list. It’s pretty thin, anyway.”

He grins and hugs me again. “Thanks,” he says. Before we walk back over to the rest he stops me, his expression serious. “One more thing,” he says. “About Harley…”

I know what he’s about to say before he says it. I look down. “He doesn’t want help,” I say softly. “I’ve tried. His whole family has tried.”

He frowns, a soft sigh exiting his throat. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “That’s what scares me. I know how much Robin’s death has affected him. Hell, if I’d heard what he did, I’d be fucked up, too.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

He quirks an eyebrow. “You mean he never told you?”

“Told me what?” I ask slowly.

He looks from me, to Harley, and back to me. “He was on the phone with Robin when he died.”

I stiffen.

“He heard everything, Windy.” His eyes were hard. “Everything.”

“How do you know?”

He swallows. “Because I was there when it happened.”

*

I push the conversation with Chase from my mind, intending to ask Harley about it later, knowing I probably won’t get the full answer anyway. Still, I’m not about to let this new revelation ruin my birthday. Instead, I dove headfirst into the festivities, allowing the joy of the day to consume me. I laughed and danced with the kids, drank and laughed with the adults, played twister with Harley, Chevy, Chase, Abby, and Kathy, a friend of Abby’s from her clinic. 

I allowed myself to have fun, and I knew Harley was having fun, too. He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay to himself, but none of us allowed him to. We danced together, we sang karaoke, and played drinking games. By the time the night was nearing its end, we were both giddy and laughing like idiots in the backyard, lying in the grass under the brilliant summer night sky.

We were there when everyone else had left. We were both drunk, both giggly and acting childish. That’s when he asked what me and Chase talked about at the beginning of the day.

I hesitated, staring at the stars. He was watching them, too, waiting. “He’s sober,” I finally said.

He was silent for a moment, the bottle of beer at his side quavering slightly. “Yeah?” he said softly. “Good for him.”

“You didn’t notice he wasn’t drinking?”

He shook his head. “Too busy paying attention to you and drinking my own weight.”

I grin. “Yeah, that sounds like you.”

There’s a comfortable silence between us. A moment where we can both just stare at the sky and be. I want to tell Harley what he means to me, that he’s my rock and the best friend I’ve ever had, but I can’t. I’m too scared. If I do, he’ll disappear. It makes me wonder if he feels the same way.

“Don’t leave.”

I turn my head slowly in his direction. He’s staring at the sky, the smile gone from his face.

“You tried to kill yourself a couple months ago, didn’t you?”

I stare at him for a moment. Dammit…I hate that he can read me when I try and hide. Finally I turn my head back, my eyes tracing a constellation.

“Yes.”

He pauses. “Don’t do that to me, Bug. You scared the ever loving shit out of me when I didn’t hear from you. Mindy didn’t tell me anything, neither did Carl and it pissed me off to no end. I called out from work, ignored everyone’s calls, and even called fucking Nikki.”

I flinch, closing my eyes.

He’s quiet for another minute. “Please, Windy,” he whispers. “Don’t leave me.”

I have to ask. “What did Nikki say?”

“Nothing,” he snorts. “She told me to stop freaking out, that you were probably fine and just didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

“Lies.”

“Total lie. I know you better than that.” I can hear his head move on the grass and his hand finds mine, his fingers curling into my own. “You’re all I have, you know that, right?”

I open my eyes, the shine of the stars brilliant in my inebriated state. “Will you sober up for me?” I ask softly.

He says nothing. He doesn’t move his hand, he doesn’t loosen his grip, and he doesn’t remove his gaze from my profile. “I’m trying,” he finally says. “I just…” He turns his head. “I don’t hate him yet.”

I’ve heard him say something similar to this before. Once, when he was completely wasted, he screamed to me how much he wanted to hate Robin for dying. He wanted to hate him, to forget him. The memories hurt, losing him was killing him. The nightmares were driving him insane. He drank himself stupid to shut it all out.

“You never will,” I say softly.

Another long pause. “I know.”

It’s my turn to begin a round of silence. When I break it, I feel a tear run slowly down into my ear. “If you sober up, I’ll stop.”

Nothing more needed to be said. I feel his head touch my shoulder. “I love you,” he says softly. “You know that?”

I nod. “I love you, too.”

There’s a heavy silence, a tension that needs to be broken but neither of us are willing to touch. Not once in the last year and a half have we said that to each other. It isn’t awkward, it isn’t strange. It’s natural and normal. I do love Harley. He’s everything to me; my best friend and my anchor. I’m alive for him. I need to be. If for no other reason, I hang on for him.

“I’m not going to fuck you,” I finally say.

He snorts, and we both dissolve into a fit of giggles. After a minute of this we lapse back into silence.

He says, “I texted someone the other day.”

I look at him, eyes wide, but say nothing. He doesn’t look at me.

“A guy I met at Jackie’s,” he continues after a brief pause. “We were talking. Like, actually talking, and we exchanged numbers.” He swallows. “I asked him to hang out tomorrow.”

I lift my head. This is the first time he’s done this. He has been so set on avoiding any type of connection or contact with another man that this announcement takes me by surprise. He runs a hand over his face and sighs.

“Tell me I’m stupid and to cancel. Please, Bug. This scares me.”

I sit up on my elbow. “You are stupid. If it scares you, then, yeah, blow him off. You just told me the other day you weren’t ready for this.”

“I know.” He runs his hand through his hair, letting it rest at the crown, gripping it in his fingers, his eyes searching the sky as if he’s looking for a message from Robin that he didn’t leave. “But I…I want to…try…” His voice trails off. “It’s been almost two years.”

“Two years next month,” I say.

He nods slowly. “I can’t…I can’t keep holding on like this. I’m in love with a ghost, someone that will never come back no matter how badly I want him to. How is that even fair? Should I really stay single for the rest of my life? Should I continue hanging on believing I’m betraying him when I know in my head that’s not what I’m doing? I can’t let go of him, I can’t move on, but…” he sits up, folding his arms around his knees, clasping his wrist in one hand. “I don’t know if I can keep this up much longer.”

From where I lay on the grass, I stare at him, watching how his shoulders fall, his eyes finding a point near his toes and lingering there. He’s doubting himself, doubting everything he believes and trusts within himself. He’s still madly in love with Robin, everyone knows that. Not once have I ever encouraged him to move on, to find someone else. Sleeping with someone else isn’t going to deaden his feelings for Robin, we both know that. But he’s right. Hanging on to someone who will literally never return is killing him. He needs to be able to move, to live his life however that may be.

I turn my gaze to the stars. “You know I support you no matter what, Lee,” I say. “But if you’re not confident you can go through with this, then don’t.”

He tilts his head back slightly, his eyes on the sky. “I’m not,” he admits. “But…fuck, I don’t know.” He lets his head drop back into his hands. “I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss sex. My hand just isn’t enough.”

“Ew.”

“I’m a lonely man, Windy, bite me.”

“I did that once and you screamed like a little bitch.”

“You drew blood!”

I grin, sitting up. “You’re just thin-skinned, that’s all.” I sigh and take up the same pose as him. “Is this something you’re really ready for?” I ask him.

He hesitates, his thoughts running over his face, one after the next. Finally he says with a small shake of his head, “I don’t know.”

I prop my chin in both hands. “Then I guess, just hang out and see what happens.”

“Sage advice.”

“That will be three hundred dollars, Mister Cox.”

He snorts and reaches for his beer, taking a long swig. “Okay,” he says after a minute. “I’ll just see how it goes.”

“If it goes sideways, text me.”

He nods. “Deal.”

It’s a rule we established a long time ago when I started dating again, even before Chase. When things were going badly or I didn’t feel comfortable, I’d text Harley two simple words: Save me. That could mean anything from a phone call to a direct pick up. It depended on how the text was sent, what punctuation or emoji was used. If it was severe enough, he’d be there in his truck within ten minutes to pick me up. This would be the first time the roles were reversed.

After another few minutes of silence, I say, “Thank you for giving me a good birthday.”

He chuckles softly. “Even though you didn’t want it?”

“Especially because I didn’t want it.”

He wraps his arm around me and kisses the top of my head. “You’re welcome, Mothgirl.” And then, “Robin really would have loved you.”

I dip my head further into him. “I think I would have loved him, too.”

That’s when I remembered I was going to ask Harley about the day Robin died, what he heard. 

And I decide that it simply doesn’t matter.

*